hello from raleigh...

       i've got that feeling you get when you want nothing more than to lie down and go straight to sleep but then you realize you still have half the day left. it's been good, though. flew in yesterday. that was exhausting enough. had four different gate assignments in chicago, and i found out about each change just as i was getting to the next gate. definitely got my exercise for the day running around that terminal. also got a mild case of food poisoning from a grilled chicken wrap at the chili's to go in o'hare, but that was nothing more than some discomfort on the plane ride. but after getting in to raleigh and claiming my bags and getting the rental car and driving to trevor's place and chatting with trevor for a bit i went out to the cheesecake factory (had a salad and some egg rolls -- no cheesecake, sadly) with a guy i met on connexion.org. haha. thomas. you might be hearing more about him in the future. good times.

       today has been just as crazy, and i don't know what i would have done without the gps on my iphone. barely made it to the interview in chapel hill on time. well, i can't really say that it was on time. trevor told me that it takes 30 minutes flat to get there, so i allowed myself 45 minutes because i wanted to be early. it took 44 minutes. between construction and rush-hour traffic i ended up walking into the building at 8:59am, but by the time i found the office it was about 9:01. grrrrrr. but it went well, i think. two and a half hours. bit crazy. bit exhausting. damn difficult questions, and i floundered on a couple (didn't help that i was already dog-tired), but i think i recovered well enough. we chatted a lot. and after the interview she walked me out and showed me a few things, told me some of the office politics. good sign, right? fingers crossed. i'm supposed to hear back within a week or two.

       after that i drove out to durham to trevor's office to tell him how it went. he gave me directions over the phone, didn't give me an address. ended up driving 20 minutes in the wrong direction. lol. but it was good to see the countryside a bit. had lunch at a panera at a mall on the way back to raleigh, then decided to check out a gym. i'd been doing research online of the different gyms in the area and this seemed to be the best one. it was freaking amazing. put mizzou rec to shame, and if you've ever been to mizzou rec it's one of the top college gyms in the nation. or at least it was when it re-opened a few years ago. that was a big thing for them. this place -- lol. it's just beautiful. had a guy take me on a tour and i was all giddy by the end. yeah, i signed up. no contract and he said that there was a promotion just ending where if you're referred they waive the $274 sign up fee. so he grabbed some random passing member and had her refer me. :) it's kinda expensive, a little more than what the rec center was, but on my new salary i'll be able to afford it. and if i cancel within two weeks i won't be charged anything. i figure i'll hear back from my job within two weeks, so might as well, and a month of dues that i won't use is a heck of a lot cheaper than the $274 fee. and yes, i realize he could have been playing me. he was a damn good salesman and, let's face it, i'm a bit naive. but it's an f-ing gorgeous gym. i'm getting excited.

       going out tonight. more to come later. more flights tomorrow. i don't think i like flying.

volatile...

       haven't been in a writing mindset lately. too busy freaking out and being nervous and wondering what the hell i'm doing. two weeks ago i officially applied for a job in north carolina, a full-time clerical/office position in an ophthalmology clinic that's a part of the university of north carolina in chapel hill, about 20 minutes from raleigh. it's a different branch of the same office that my future roommate works for, so he put in a good word. it'd be about twice my current wages. this last thursday i had a phone interview (a first for me), which seemed to go really well, or at least i was invited to fly out next weekend for an interview in person. trevor says she wouldn't have done that if she wasn't serious about it. i hope he's right because i'm paying for it. but i fly out sunday and return tuesday, sort of a whirlwind trip, which will also be my first to the area. also my first plane ride since january 2001, and definitely my first alone. i have an hour and a half layover in chicago (previously reported incorrectly to some as an hour), which i was nervous about when i thought it was less time, but suddenly i'm excited about those extra 30 minutes. i was rather inspired on my last layover, ten years ago. that one was a bit longer, though. maybe something will come out of this one. who knows? but the position, should it be offered to me, starts a month earlier than originally anticipated. i'd be moving out there at the end of april instead of the end of may. suddenly i feel a little more crunched for time. maybe that's part of what has been making me nervous, feeling like i'm being torn away before i'm ready. it's all been happening so quickly. even though i've been wanting to get out of here for forever. i know it doesn't make sense. but i just have this pervasive feeling that i have no idea what i'm doing. and it's kinda true.

       i really hope it works.

       i love words with multiple meanings. they're so extremely interesting.

       would it be bad to get into a relationship just for the sake of having one? oh, it's way too soon to talk about such things. but i'm still curious.

       really weird mood today. no sleep last night might have something to do with it. i should get some now.

because you asked...

       this weekend has been most welcome. today was only the second i had off since the 9th of february, so i've been simultaneously trying to get a lot done and trying to be as lazy as possible. with some success. i've been going through a lot of old storage items and repacking them for more permanent storage in the lofts and closets of my old rooms. i found several paper boxes full of old cds, so it's been kinda fun going through those, copying some to my hard drive, rolling my eyes at others (and then copying some of them anyway). even found a large box marked "C. S. P." in my late grandfather's hand (he died when i was about nine, i think). turned out to be a massive stamp collection from places around the world, some of which don't exist anymore. i looked through a few and realized that i probably shouldn't be (some of them obviously required more care than i could take), so i put them carefully back in the box, but not before discovering several mementos from my early life, like the program from my baptism with little notes that grampa wrote (he wasn't terribly religious, but he saved it anyway). won't lie, kinda got a little choked up.

       also spent the day updating my resume and attempting to write my first cover letter ever. also had the wonderful opportunity to talk to the lovely maureen today (who hasn't updated in ages), who made a suggestion. i might format it a little differently, but otherwise i found it quite appropriate:

Dear Sir or Madam:
TAKE ME PLEASE! I'M DESPERATE!
Sincerely,
Chris P.

       i may not be desperate yet. or at least i don't feel desperate yet. but the idea of having this job has made the rest of it seem a little easier.

       god, i love dario marianelli. sorry, completely random. he's on my itunes now.

       i'm tired. think i might read some and cuddle with hermes some and sleep some. another day off tomorrow. looking forward to that. except i think i need some catharsis in the next day or so. don't know what. laters.

taking shape...

       apparently my work crush is now in a relationship with one of the bakery girls. or so sayeth the great facebook. i happen to be of the opinion that he was so surprised and scared by his supposedly unnatural feelings for me that he ran in a drunken stupor to the arms of the first girl that would be delusional enough to date a 'mo. which is kind of what happened, minus my little flourishes. but i'm not upset by it or anything. funny thing, though, it does kinda further the north carolina cause. i notice that i keep looking for things that would keep me here, but they all slowly disappear and i end up grasping at straws. i don't know why. the comfort of home and family, perhaps, or at least of familiar things. when you're a crazy person like me, the familiar things keep you grounded. routine, etc. and i've certainly been crazy lately. but new places can become familiar, too, i guess. i think i'm just getting impatient. i want to be on the other side of the river and not have to worry about jumping to the next stepping stone. except there's a million of them and i don't know whether i'm going backwards or forwards or sideways. but with the exception of the people here in kc, most have been encouraging. actually, while i was in columbia i mentioned the possibility to my former co-worker, chris, who said that she had lived in the area and loved it. she said it was a lot like columbia except bigger, which made me groan at first, but when i think of it, i really liked columbia except that it was so stinking small. raleigh itself is closer to the size of kc minus the metro, so...

       i'm starting to think i might do it.

       not long term, probably. take it a little at a time. and the idea of paring down my belongings to what i can fit in my little escort is kind of attractive. in a scary way. or maybe my parents will help me move with their truck. but that's a long drive and i don't know if i want to ask them to do that. i could get one of those little mini-uhauls. i don't know if my car could pull that, though. haha. but this is all hypothetical, of course. nothing solid. yet.

       sometimes i'm excited by the idea and sometimes i really don't want to do it. but i think i'm slowly getting used to it. the adventure and newness of it is winning me over.

       i'm still tired from doing the chocolate covered strawberries. roughly two tons in four days. but it was good. listened to "jonathan strange and mr. norrell" by susanna clarke, which i very much enjoyed. and i enjoyed spending time with old friends and making a couple new ones. and i'm sure i'll appreciate the check, when it comes. the loss of gym time was apparent when i went back on monday, but it wasn't that terrible. in fact i think it may have helped to have a short break to shock my body out of forming a routine. i noticed today that i'm getting my abs back. i was excited.

       k, that's all for today. things to do. hope you're all well.

       <edit> 2.17.11 -- raleigh is officially a probability and quite a big one, it seems. talked to trevor (new future roomie) last night and worked some more things out, and i talked to my parents tonight about moving either in june or august, depending on whether i can get a certain job (june if i get it, august if i don't). more details to come. so far my ex future roomie is not taking it well. :( </edit>

long time no update...

       it's been kind of a roller coaster. came a bit unglued for a while in there. might still be, a little. crazy as it is, i highly recommend it on occasion. makes you appreciate sanity a little more. the double dose of glee this week helped a lot, especially since they geared tonight's a little more to the hopeful yet still lonely hearts. i like my feel-good show. definitely a contrast to what i saw immediately previous, though. after work i went out and saw black swan. going to a movie by myself is kind of a ritual when in the aforementioned state of falling apart. and natalie portman greatly appeals to that ~5% of me that isn't entirely gay. i didn't want to say straight just then because, when it comes down to it, ... ew. but it was kinda amazing. made me a little queasy in parts. i actually covered my mouth with my hands a few times. felt a bit girly, but fortunately i had the row to myself. i was completely drawn in -- took me a while to come back down. i don't like writing about such things, though -- i'm sure i'd make a terrible critic. i just like to get lost in it, which made this kinda perfect. thinking about seeing something else again tomorrow, if i have time. not sure yet. the king's speech or 127 hours. i need to let my mind mellow. the mixture of crazy and dread from the coming week has me on the edge of hyperventilation.

       my mind is seriously kicking and screaming about the strawberries. it's like i can feel time dragging me inevitably closer and closer to the open gates of hell. once i get there i'm sure i'll be fine. might even have fun as long as i get plenty of sleep, but i've been bad about that lately and i'm sure being around old friends won't help. everyone's wanting to do something and i'm torn between wanting to see people and being able to get through the week. it's such a slog. but i have "jonathan strange and mr. norrell" by susanna clark and "the thirteenth tale" by diane setterfield ready to go on my ipod, and my starbucks card is freshly reloaded. so i should be ok.

       i just realized that was the first movie i saw this year (in a theater, i mean). that's kinda sad. i love movies.

       let's see... what else... the gym thing has faltered briefly. only one trip last week because of snowpocalypse and the crazy, but i lifted some at home and shoveled snow for about 90 minutes. i'm planning to go tomorrow before leaving for columbia, but that will be my only visit for this week, too. better jump right back on next monday or i'm gonna slide like crazy. already feeling fat. oh, and the north carolina thing has moved past the "just a thought" stage into the "possibility" stage, even bordering on "probability." we still need to talk about that a little more. but other people i mention it to seem to be encouraging. and, i notice, raleigh is not currently buried in snow. definite bonus points there.

       i could really go for a cuddle right now. the last several nights i've been dreaming about being held by someone, only to wake to find hermes cuddling up. which is really cute and all... i love my kitty. but it's so not the same.

looking for something...

       remember how i was hoping that i wouldn't run into my work crush at the gym for a while? well, tonight i did. we passed each other a couple times and neither said anything. we kinda ignored each other, actually. well, i watched him a bit while i was on the elliptical and he was doing some incline bench work on the other side of the room. don't tell. but we didn't even acknowledge each other. it was weird. when he was walking in he walked right behind me and he had a strange look on his face. he had to have seen me. but neither let the other know we had seen each other. and that was that.

       within the last week we've started to seriously look for apartments and such in the area. things are already getting a bit interesting as the future roomie is pushing for super cheap but is kinda being brought down to reality with kc's prices. i'm not against economy but i do value my life and some degree of comfort. he's also only been looking at listings on craigslist and sending them over as suggestions. two of his suggestions made me scared just thinking about the area (smack dab in the middle of the places you only hear about in the news with relation to shootings, armed robberies, etc). and most of the others have been pretty dumpy. but he's also used to columbia prices. one apartment i had there was $175/month (half a duplex with three other guys in a 4br 3 bath setup), which was amazing. but you won't get that here. not possible. i've been finding decent places, definitely lower end but still habitable and in safer areas, for a little over $300/month each, and he keeps saying he wants cheaper. which is starting to make me think that this might not work. and apparently he had forgotten about hermes and he's allergic to cats. so. might not be the future roomie after all.

       but. another option has presented itself again. it's always been an option, really, but i hadn't thought about it in a while. i have a good friend living in raleigh, nc who has been trying to get me to move in with him for a couple years. he contacted me again last night to catch up and kinda jokingly asked when i was going to move down there. it's always been a tempting idea, but suddenly it's downright attractive. of course it'd be another complete upheaval of my life. and more of a sideways move than up. but it'd be an adventure, and that's part of the attractive bit. it's new and different. not the midwest. close to mountains and beaches. he'd be able to get me a job at starbucks and i'd still be able to write. of course it's just a thought right now. but i kinda like it. am i crazy?

foolishness...

  

       hello all. kinda felt like rambling a bit tonight, so what better place than here? you probably won't miss much if you skip this one.

       week three of the foolishness that is my gym adventure is complete. haven't missed a single day, even though it's not really that difficult to go to the gym three times a week, but i suppose it's the longest i've stayed with a gym-based exercise routine in the last four years, so i guess it's at least something of an accomplishment. week four is off to a simultaneously good and rocky start. after doing some research (including some davey wavey tips) to update myself on modern fitness practices i've changed my methods slightly and my ass was properly kicked today. i'll try it for the next few weeks and see how it goes. i've also started keeping track of my routines with a handy dandy iPhone app, iFitness. highly recommended for the serious gym-goer. had a slightly crazy episode after my workout, though, in the locker room. it was about 6pm and getting pretty packed in there, and poor design means close quarters and even a slight wait time to get to your locker. but as i was packing my things and getting ready to leave i found myself suddenly surrounded by a half dozen perfectly sculpted sets of abs and i became both a little breathless and suddenly very aware that i was the fat boy of the group. i kinda wanted to cry. right now i'm saying "you'll get there, you'll get there, you'll get there" over and over in my head, trying to make myself believe it. but i've lost five pounds in those three weeks, so i'm getting somewhere at least. yes, i'm trying not to let myself get discouraged.

       i'm trying not to be all high-school-girly about the new guy. as in, trying not to freak out because he hasn't texted me yet today and i don't want to be the one to do all the initiating but he did call me first when we first talked. i think i'm gonna do it. i'll let him call/text first next time.

       ok, i have to pee so i'm going to end it there. not as rambly as i thought it was going to be. smiling helps.

oh $#*!...

       two things.

       one. i received a text at four this morning informing me that my date for the hy-vee christmas party tonight had to cancel because he was in the process of being arrested. he promised details later, so you know about as much as i do, but i know him pretty well and my curiosity is of the more amused variety rather than the worried or nervous sort. my guess is that he decked someone that deserved it. as far as the party goes, though, i really don't want to go alone, especially after telling people that i was bringing a tall blond and handsome date. i'll tell them that we were otherwise engaged and never made it, let them fill in the gaps.

       two. kind of an odd one in juxtaposition to the first, and it's one of those way too soon to really even post about it things, but despite my assertions of wanting to wait before jumping back into the dating scene, it seems i'm kinda finding myself suddenly in the middle of it again. i just got off the phone with the next guy who will break my heart. he's thirty and a phd student studying latin american literature, currently working on his dissertation. he's pseudo-recently divorced (eep!) with two young boys (eep! eep!) but seems settled and comfortable enough now and i always like the slightly damaged guys anyway. and he works out. a lot. so we'll see where that goes, if anywhere, but i have a feeling i'm gonna like him.

       k, off to get some things done. i hope.

snow daze...

       gotta love stupid titles. anyway. today was a snow day for me. the paycheck will suffer a little for it, but the break was welcome. definitely hate winter driving, though. yesterday i braved it in my mother's all-wheel drive suv, going all grandma-style on that snow's ass. no problems, but the two hours of driving thoroughly stressed me out. i went to the gym after work anyway, just because i'm trying to take a "no excuses" approach, and i was happy i did. titties and tris yesterday, and they's goood sore. my boss called me this morning, though, saying that they were so slow i could stay home if i didn't feel like driving, and the roads were worse today, so i was glad for it. working tomorrow night, though, and gym again after, but the grandma style seems to work for me. except at the gym. but yeah, i'm already antsy for spring.

       it was a pretty snow. or at least the stuff i was able to enjoy while lounging in my warm pajamas from the comfort of home.

       snagged a date for the christmas party this weekend. good ol' toby. haven't seen him in a while, so i'm excited for that. i'm sure there are still a few at work who remain in denial about my preferences, so the tall blond surfer dude should help with that. but someone said it's supposed to snow again this weekend. pfft. oh, weather.com says it won't. fingers crossed.

       finished off christmas on sunday with the regular extended family since we couldn't get everyone together at the usual time. seems like it gets more difficult every year to pull it together, and i admire those who won't give up on it, namely my mother. i admit i wasn't terribly disappointed that i had to leave early to go to work, though. all my cousins are popping out babies left and right and there were a half dozen bouncing/screaming/slobbering two-year-olds all over the place. and then there's the sense that we're all doing it just because it's what good families are supposed to do at such times of the year. we all live within ten miles of each other, give or take a few, and holidays are about the only times we see the bulk of them. yeah, we're a pretty close-knit group. the funny thing is -- i miss it. i hope my future husperson, if he exists, has a family i can adopt.

       and that's about all there is to report from my exciting life. hope you're all well. i'm gonna go read now.

new year's networking...

       gah! remember that match.com sub i paid for last month? yeah, i forgot to turn off the auto-renew. so i just paid for another month. i hate auto-renew. well, except on important things ...like netflix. and guess how many times i've taken advantage of that not-so-little subscription? yeah. none. this is where all my money goes. grrr.

       office christmas party in a couple weeks and i'm trying to figure out 1) if i want to go, and 2) who to go with. i won't go without a date. no way. so i'm currently taking applications. preference given to attractive men. intelligence is a plus but not required. it's just an office party, after all.

       so far doing well with the whole working out thing. or at least i'm still going. and i've remembered how much i like that muscle soreness after. i'm closing tonight then going, so hopefully it won't be as packed at 11pm as it was at 5pm on monday. i was kinda amazed how busy it was. kinda ridiculous, but i was still able to do what i wanted. i'm already noticing a marked difference in the hardness of my muscles, and my blood pressure and resting heart rate have plummeted. that's about it, but i wasn't even expecting those to happen this soon, so it makes me optimistic that it won't take quite as long to get back to an acceptable fitness level. but no, i don't plan to stop there. i want my abs back.

       i'm kind of accidentally forcing myself to have a social life again. but that was kinda one of my resolutions, too, so we'll just say it was on purpose. got to talk to my friend dan for a while last night, which is always ...having trouble finishing that sentence. we talk every few weeks or so, and it's always the best part of those few weeks for me. that wasn't an accident, though. but i did randomly meet some guy online later last night and we also ended up talking on the phone for a couple hours. he seems cool, but he's a little over an hour away. it's all friendly, though. nothing too exciting. and, of course, i'm all excited that garett is back. after being silent on the social front for so long, though, it was strange to have so much all at once. and i think i'm getting ahead of myself.

       k, i need to get some things accomplished before work. love to all. laters.

resolved to...

       resolutions. eleven of them, according to the challenge. should be interesting, in a boring way.

1. body. i knew this was going to be one, so i got a jump on it last week to make it feel a little less like a new year's resolution. i joined the twenty-four hour fitness in independence, which i found out later is where my crush from work also goes. i haven't met him there yet, and i'm going to avoid meeting him there for a while, but... well, i'm looking forward to it. i went three times during the week, meeting my goal, and while i did have a couple "i don't wanna go!" moments, i think it will be easier to keep up with. i'm already getting used to it -- had a really good workout today, and certainly enjoying the workouts, so that's good. and i've already noticed a slight elevation in my mood. but beyond basic working out, there are also a few other things i've always wanted to try that require more physical resources than i've had. probably won't be at that level for a long while, even assuming i keep up the workouts, but either way i'll keep those hush hush for now.
   
   
2. write more. bet you're surprised by this one. the reason i most often don't write is because of a crappy mood, so i'm hoping the first resolution will aid in that. i really need to get a move on there, though. fer serious. but i received some inspiration for christmas in that little book of short stories. good stuffs.
   
   
3. chillax about getting older. i noticed lines on my face for the first time tonight and promptly freaked out. just smile lines around my eyes, and they're pretty small, but i still ran to amazon.com and ordered some anti-aging moisturizer from my currently preferred brand. i'm a little bummed because i just bought two more bottles of my regular stuff, but they'll be good to have on hand anyway. oh, and the rogaine continues to work its lovely magic. not perfection by any means, but definitely better. twenty-seven is too young to freak out, though, and i've always thought guys in their late twenties were more attractive anyway. once again crossing my fingers in hopes that i'll get there. but i think i'm just freaking out because i wanted to have things accomplished by this time ...and i'm still living with my parents. which brings me to number four.
   
   
4. move out before my twenty-eighth birthday. i'm pretty confident that this will happen well before that point, but i'm still going to list it. the new computer and christmas (and christmas for me!) drained my already paltry savings, but i'm already on the way to recovery. i need to be entirely self-supporting, though. perhaps if i keep my second resolution i'll be a bit closer to that point.
   
   
5. i really need to be better with money, too. i've always been bad with it and probably always will be on some level, but there's still a lot of room to grow within those parameters. i opened a savings account in august, which was a crucial step (kinda sad, i know), and i think the moving out thing will necessitate an improvement, but i simply need to stop buying things i don't need. what would be good, though, is a boyfriend who's good with the stuff. that would be nice.
   
   
6. yeah, it's kinda pathetic that i'm making this a resolution, but i would enjoy having a boyfriend. late twenties and lacking a solid relationship history is fitting for a guy living with his parents, granted, but do i really need to say more on the subject? a cuddle buddy at least would be appreciated.
   
   
7. get out more. kinda goes along with the last, or at least it could possibly facilitate the success of that goal, though not necessarily with the abundance of technological ways a gay can meet others of the same persuasion (all you breeders are way behind us there). but this one does kinda put a strain on that fifth resolution, so some care must be exercised. 
   
   
8. read more. funny coming from me, but since moving back here i really haven't been reading as much as i'd like. the stack of books on my nightstand continues to pile up, and i'm excited about all of them. just haven't.
   
   
9. go to bed earlier. way too many benefits to pass up, but i've been barely getting what i need, hence, in part, the caffeine reliance. but i don't really do all that much when i stay up late. usually just surfing or watching netflix. i'm sure it will help with number eight, too. i always love reading in bed.
   
   
10. travel. probably one of the ones i won't keep as much as i'd hope. kind of a traveler at heart, though, thanks to traveling around the country with the 'rents while growing up. but i do have a trip to iowa planned in february and i'd like to visit friends in new york and boston sooner rather than later.
    
    
11. expand my horizons. there are many things i want to do that are a bit beyond my usual daily routine, but that's kinda the point.
    
    
12. ooh. bonus resolutions. i'd like to piano more. i haven't since moving back, but an interest in the doctor who soundtrack is rekindling the desire.
    
    
13. lucky thirteen. invent a time machine so i'll be able to fit all these ridiculous things in my schedule.

       done now. happy new year. :)

the resolusionist...

      yup, i've become one of those. you know the sort -- the ones that clog up the gym for the first couple months of a new year, swearing confidently to get back into shape only to burn out and give up, squeezing their chubby asses out the gym door to return again next year. i used to hate those people, back when i was what you’d call a gym rat. i’d spend six days a week, two or three hours a day in that place, and i belonged there. those cookie-dough-assed wannabes had no right choking up my beloved treadmills, machines, and swimming pool. that was, what? four or five years ago? haha. now i’m that cookie-dough-assed wannabe. ok, no, i’m not that bad. while the gym visits didn’t stick much longer than a month last january, i did resume in march with my 30-50 miles a week on the trail, which lasted until my abrupt move to kansas city just over six months ago.. that’s when it got bad. i was determined to keep up with it. i went out on the trail here a few times, but i’d been spoiled by columbia’s excellent park system (water fountains and shade!). i swam several times in my parent’s pool, but i’d only go after dark and i’d often skip because i was tired or busy. and i lifted -- occasionally. very occasionally. i didn’t realize how occasionally it was until tonight.

      this afternoon, after six long months of self-pity and procrastination, i joined a gym. i even did it before the new year just to make myself feel a little better. but holy crap, i felt out of place. the only gym i’ve ever really known was the mizzou rec center. beautiful gym, full of lanky college kids, a few die-hards, and a few old creepy people. while i was a regular i felt completely at ease -- very little self-consciousness or insecurity, and pretty damn strong -- i could max out most of the machines with several reps and hold my own in the free-weight room. i’ve lost a lot of muscle since then, but i’m still not a small guy. short, yes, but not small. the guys in the gym this afternoon made me feel tiny. these were the guys that kept working out after college, and oh daddy... haha. wow. i felt like i had no excuse whatsoever only putting up 170lbs on the bench... on a machine. it was pathetic. but it’s a start. and i’m taking davey wavey’s advice about working up to it -- two or three times a week for the first few weeks to avoid burning out completely after two months. and i’m determined. and excited. and am now accepting bets on how long i’ll keep the membership.

      the only thing i didn’t like? no doors or curtains on the tiny shower stalls. maybe back in the day i’d have been up to the challenge. but after seeing so many guys with bodies that would make greek gods jealous, i decided to run out to my car in my nasty gym clothes. but i’ll get there. oh yes, i’ll get there. and yes, i took wet wipes to my car seats when i got home. =)

off-white counts...

       what a week. haha. i was about to give up on humanity on wednesday night. full moon and senior citizen discount day (generally acknowledged by all in the store to be the absolute worst day of the week -- old people really suck) and the fact that it was three days before christmas was a dangerous mixture. all three of us in customer service were cussed out at least once, and certainly by no fault of ours. for the most part we do our jobs really well. sure, there are occasional mistakes, usually easily fixed, but this wasn't the case here. the people were just uber bitchy. and i mean i wouldn't have been surprised if some of them snarled and showed fangs with blood dripping from them. it took a few episodes of true blood and some irish hot chocolate with a little extra irish to calm me down that night. last night was better, though. hella busy and i had to stay an extra half hour because people wouldn't let me close, but certainly not as evil. actually, it was much different. there was one guy that came in, handed me $300, and told me to ring up six gift cards with $50 each and give them to people who looked like they could use a little extra christmas cheer. certainly replenished some of my own.

       it's kinda lovely out, but i only say that while i'm warm indoors and not driving. i hate winter driving. my good friend a.j. surprised me at work last night. he lives in iowa but is home for christmas. it's a little funny to me that all my jewish friends celebrate christmas. ;) anyway, we were going to get lunch today but because of the weather decided to postpone until breakfast monday, so that was the only drawback of the snow for me. we didn't get a lot, but it still has that peaceful effect. and the kittehs are being all snuggly. and i'm wrapping presents now, so that's always fun. makes it more imminent somehow.

       doing better, i think. slowly grappling my way back to some semblance of sanity. i've eaten too many christmas cookies, though, and i need to do some major cardio. maybe i'll get some in during the doctor who marathon tomorrow. :)

       i hope you're all well, that you're feeling warm and happy and loved, and that all the usual worries and frustrations will give way to the real magic of the season. merry christmas!

goings on...

       i've remembered how to listen to music. i haven't for a long time since i've been listening to audiobooks on my commutes, otherwise the only time i really get to 'rock out'. but i've got some mumford and sons going on iTunes as i type, and it's acting as a sort of salve, drawing out some of the poison.

       i've been stutter blogging a lot over the last couple weeks, but everything ends up deleted. still feeling pretty lost, but holding on, i suppose. still here.

       received a package in the mail yesterday from new york, which rocketed my spirits. christmas presents from my friend dan, here sometimes commenting as "mr. mysterious" or some similar monicker, which included a collection of short stories by amy hempel, some great little orange flavored shortbreads from harlem, and a rainbow-colored feather boa (my personal favorite). all more appreciated than i've been able to express.

       remember that match.com subscription i mentioned? still haven't done anything with it. ha. there's one that i keep wanting to message, but i don't. it's kind of a weird situation. i want to send him a message, but i also know i'm not in the right place. so i do nothing.

       saw tron: legacy last night. it's been getting mixed reviews, but i really enjoyed it. the score was inspired -- i always like twists of old and new like that. made me want to dabble in such things again. the story was somewhat similar to the first, so it had a tinge of remake, but i didn't mind that, and the deeper levels of meaning were underdeveloped but present and appreciated. kind of had a questioning of hope and dreams thing going on. it's probably a question being asked a lot right now, as the "american dream" has deflated somewhat.

       christmas in three days. kinda crazy how 2010 flew. two years from yesterday is the end of the world. haha. k, time for work. laters.

i wanna be a housewife...

       melting into the plush leather seat at starbucks again. best seat in the house, with a view of the whole place. there's a really cute guy in here, but he's with a girl. i'm thinking fag hag. but even if he were of the persuasion i'm sure i wouldn't have a shot. just wishful thinking. oh, weird. this other girl at the next table spoke to her friend on the phone and i realized it wasn't a girl at all. startled me. the music is kinda hip-hop jazzy. not many people here, probably because of the cold. and now that i have a chance to sit and think a bit i'm realizing that i really don't want to sit and think at all. the escapist in me has been in full swing lately. lots of netflix. and i'm re-reading the count of monte cristo. well, not really. it's an audiobook. i mostly listen to it during the ~1.5 hour commute to work each day. i'm kind of in a slow part in the middle so my mind wanders sometimes. really looking forward to the next, "jonathan strange and mr. norrell." i need some hand lotion. super dry. ooh, bob dylan just came on. "blowin' in the wind." i like jay brannan's version better. is that sacrilegious? eh, i don't care, i love jay.

       i came in here to write, but once again i'm not really feeling it. it's the sitting and thinking that catches up with me. i don't really want to go home, though. but now the songs are trending towards the cozy cuddle in front of the fire christmas music. ugh. but i'm going out with toby on friday. that might help. no, i don't think there's anything there, and i don't know if i want there to be. but he cuddles with me. i'm going to make that a mandatory portion of our evening. almost had some juicy love triangle drama to share, but it didn't really turn into anything because i'm lame like that.

       i don't like this, the way things are. i don't like where i am. kinda getting to a point where i want to go to a doctor to get some happy pills. i wonder how much my insurance would cover. ooh, some u-haul therapy would be nice. i'd go to miami to be with david bromstad. i wonder if he likes short guys.

       yeah, i think i'm gonna give up for the day, go home and cuddle with hermes. later taters.

thinking about baseball...

       wow, i'm tired. not a bad kind of tired -- just the "i really should have gone to bed earlier" kind. but i went to see "unstoppable" with my dad last night, which is possibly the first time i've been to a movie alone with my father, now that i think of it. i wasn't terribly excited about the movie, but it turned out to be quite good. well told and fairly suspenseful. i wouldn't buy it, though. after you know what happens it's like... ok, i'm good now. then when i got home i realized i had a true blood disc waiting for me and i wanted to mail it off today so of course i had to watch that too. it wasn't that late by the time i went to bed, but i had to get up for work this morning. and as a result you get a whole paragraph on why i'm tired.

       sitting in starbucks now, sipping my grande half caff nonfat no whip white mocha, hoping it will wake me up enough to get some writing done, but i'm beginning to doubt. just not feeling sharp enough. maybe i'll have a nap later then try again tonight. yeah, this book will never be finished. wow, eddie izzard just walked in. seriously, he looks just like him. and finn's here, of course. i don't know if i've mentioned him here before, perhaps in a pulse, but there's a barista that looks just like finn from glee. makes for an enjoyable coffee experience when i'm surrounded by my celebrities and rambling in another pointless xanga post. almost even makes me feel like a real writer.

       i wonder if there's anything interesting i can say. can't really think of anything. nothing new happening. i'm getting quite bored, actually. i haven't been out properly since my date with mark a week before halloween. oh, no, ryan was up from columbia last weekend and we walked around the mall a bit then went to krispy kreme. first time i'd been there since i've been back. really good, of course, but now i can't go for another five years. so not good for me. ...not like starbucks. it was really good to see him, though. kinda felt like i had friends again. it's fun to watch him squirm at my sordid tales.

       still trying to keep up hope. increasingly difficult, that. it's a slow leak, though -- just a trickle. the computer helped, strangely. it's a lot of fun. but the season is a bittersweet thing. i've always loved christmas and haven't had a proper one in a while. last year i was an emotional mess with coming out to my family (a year already!). the year before was an emotional mess with starting to come out period. now that my mind is free to wander a bit it isn't my sexuality but my singularity to which my thoughts return. what, like there's something to think about other than myself? it really sucks being a fifth wheel in my family, though. and i miss cuddling. i'm just ready to be there. if "settled down" isn't the right phrase it's awfully close. my dreams are simple enough. just damn near impossible.

       randomness ensues.

       i bought another month at match.com. haha. someone sent me an email about a month ago and it's been hounding me since to subscribe to be able to read it. i've done a month here and there, maybe two or three in the last year and a half. received a text this morning that i had another email, though, so i broke down. turns out both were from the same guy, if you can call him that. i'm skeptical of his humanity. no picture, bad english, and almost the exact text in both. now i feel obligated to say that people who speak imperfect english and opt to remain anonymous are not necessarily inhuman. or so i'm told. but i was disheartened. and remain frustrated that the people i'm attracted to are usually not the ones attracted to me, and the ones that are attracted to me are not the ones i'm attracted to. *sigh* so just to contradict everything i've been talking about here, i'm not sure if i'd be ready for a relationship anyway. so there.

       i was closing the other night. thursday. it was a slow night and i was leaning against the rear counter of customer service, watching the front end (more entertaining than you'd expect) and letting my mind wander, when santa claus caught my eye, walked over, and told me to smile. it was weird. he was wearing denim overalls and a white t-shirt, but he was the best damn santa i've ever seen. he told me that it was the christmas season, that it was magical, and that there was no reason not to smile. and it was rather magical. i wasn't frowning on purpose. just thinking. but he made me laugh.

       there's this guy that i've seen here in starbucks several times. at first we'd catch each other looking at the other. finally he approached a few weeks ago and we exchanged pleasantries. no, not like that. we both recognized each other from the church days. bumped into him again tonight and we ended up talking for about an hour about nothing in particular, him neglecting his studying, me my rambly xanga post. i'm not really tired anymore, so now i can write, but i was made acutely aware how much more socially awkward i've become this summer. i tend to withdraw, my world becomes internal, three-quarters fantasy and one-quarter automated. i forget how to speak, and my tongue trips on itself more often. i like my fantasy world, though. it's kinda like "the girl who loved tom gordon." i have my own tom gordon. no, it's not actually tom gordon. i won't tell you who my tom gordon is. but he keeps me alive.

       k, now to write.

slipping into misanthropy...

       i'm developing a major crush on this guy at work. it's starting to be a distraction. jury's still out on his sexuality, but if my crush history is any indication then there's about an 80% chance that he either likes the ladies or hails from the planet raxacoricofallapatorius. mad props if you have any idea what i'm referring to there. i'm kind of in an anti-boys streak at the moment, though. not an anger thing, just a "do i really want to get into this again?" thing. i really don't. the ones that want me are always old and desperate (or married), the ones i date turn out to be exceptionally ordinary, and the ones i want are always hopelessly unattainable. probably something a shrink would find interesting.

       these stolen moments on my parents' computer are getting old. really ready for my own to get here, but that's still a good week and a half off. haven't written anything in too long, but, frightened of that as i was at first, i'm kind of enjoying the break. i was pushing myself too hard to produce something and i think the quality was suffering. so it's been nice to give my head a break, soak up some joss whedon and bbc, forget things a while. ironically, i did make a couple leaps, figured a couple things out. but, of course, more questions came up.

       i don't know, maybe it's the holidays. or maybe it's just more of the usual. kind of in a funk, but not a bad one. customers at work are getting more impatient and more bitchy, which has the rest of us overcompensating like mad. it's kind of a laugh to keep from crying thing. words that we thought were internal are more often slipping out. breaks are stretched and bathroom trips increase. tension has been slowly building at home. i miss certain people. a lot. starting to be more reclusive. and according to the scale at plasma this afternoon i've gained a couple pounds, and not the good kind. feeling tired, lazy. hm. just realized it might be that s.a.d. thing. that hasn't really affected me so much in the past, though. do any of you get that?

       what do you think of the whole tsa screening/patdown thing? i'm kind of enjoying the attempts to undermine it. i have a mildly anarchist streak in me. k, i need some mindless entertainment to slip into before bed.

the morning after...

       with all the previous potter films i left the theater feeling slightly disappointed that they left such and such out or something wasn't quite right. none of them quite gave me the same feeling that i got while reading the book. i ended up loving them all with subsequent viewings, but i'm just talking about first impressions here. this one was different. it went further than i expected and successfully conveyed (i thought) the brilliant tone of the book. and being my favorite book of the series, i had some pretty high expectations. this movie was awesome. they left very little out and executed it beautifully. it was intense and unrelenting, yet still retained the humor. i loved the animation of the story of the deathly hallows. freaking loved it. unexpected and beautiful. the things i missed were minor: the mention that grindelwald was dumbledore's unrequited love (sigh), but they still have room for that in the second. and, it might surprise you to hear it from me, but i missed the undertones of spirituality. yeah, i'm not big on religion right now, but what she had was quite meaningful and beautiful (i couldn't quite make it out, but i think one of the scripture verses was still present on the potters's gravestone). both elements, i think, are very important to the story, particularly the latter, and the films may lose some meaning if they don't bring them back somehow.

       definitely made me all emotional, though, which was part of the measure of the movie's success for me. the book was pretty tough to read, emotionally, and the film effectively brought most of that back. reminded me why it's one of my favorite stories.

       young grindelwald was gorgeous, btw. and did anyone else notice that daniel radcliffe was half naked for half the film? and i love bill nighy, brief as his appearance was. and what's up with emma watson? she was kinda amazing.

       oh, and i bought my computer. just now. ordered it. it'll be a couple weeks still, but i'm really excited. i'm a big nerd like that. but i very much miss having one. even splurged a little more than i was planning to. this paycheck was slightly bigger than i was expecting. it's kinda tricked out. usually people go for either performance or portability or razzle dazzle. i did all three. it's not tiny -- i don't like those tiny ones, impressive as they are. but it is by far the smallest computer i'll have owned. and it has three times the recommended memory and more hard drive than i'll ever use. also got a wireless printer and a bluetooth mouse, which means freed up usb ports. and with the employee pricing that i got from borders rewards i saved about $500 from someone who'd buy the same stuff from best buy, e.g. yes, i checked. now all i need is lots of f*cking sequins.

       now i have to buy christmas presents. oy. then i can start saving for an apartment.

       k, time for work. i requested the day off but she was in a hurry and gave me tomorrow instead. no worries. it's a short shift and i still got my sleep. really tempted to go see it again tonight. i have with all the others. might wait until monday, though, when it's half price. i just obliterated my pitiful savings, after all. k. laters.

big softy...

       some of you may remember that i once tried to be a vegetarian. i think most gays go through the phase. it was short lived, but it led to a major cutback in how much meat i eat and an almost complete elimination of beef (living at home has made that more difficult and, let's face it, i like a steak or burger on occasion). i had many reasons for going veg -- the u.s. is the #1 consumer of meats and we cannot sustain our addiction with what we raise domestically so we've also become the #1 importer. because we can afford to pay more and because we create a smaller supply in the originating countries, the price of meat in those countries skyrockets until the farmers who raise the animals can't even afford to buy the stuff. much of our grain is also devoted to feeding the animals (it's all feed corn now, which is a cheaper and more fattening food) so neither do we produce enough grain for humans to eat and we get the same story again. so basically the u.s. is greatly exacerbating world hunger because of our addiction to meat. also, if you've ever seen the documentary "food, inc." you'd never want to eat a hamburger again. it's fucking disgusting.

       i'll also mention the movie "powder" with the uber-hot sean patrick flanery. nevermind the fact that he's gay, there's a scene in the movie when some guys are out hunting and one of them shoots a doe. powder proceeds to put one hand on the dying doe and one on the guy who shot her and is able to make the man feel the pain and terror of the animal, after which he never hunts again. it's an interesting scene that always stuck with me.

       the point of all this? last night my brother went deer hunting. on my way home from work i got a call from my father asking me to rush home and get some bullets to my brother who had run out after shooting a buck. the shot wasn't immediately fatal and my brother couldn't get close enough to finish it off with a knife but he wanted to stay and watch as it thrashed so that he wouldn't lose it if it managed to get up again. well, my grandmother was able to get the bullets to him first, fortunately, but as he was getting them from her he managed to lose it anyway. they tracked the poor thing for three hours trying to find it again, which they eventually did, but it left me thoroughly disgusted.

       all i want to know is why? i think it's a delusion saying that it's population control. god knows humans need population control, too, but we can't buy permits to shoot those. unfortunately. and it certainly isn't necessity, nor is it cheaper. after permit and processing costs you could probably get the same amount of meat from a grocery store for less. which leaves one thing: sport. killing for sport. it's barbaric and cruel. and i really, really want to punch my brother in the face right now, especially after being that irresponsible. he let the poor thing suffer for three hours and now it's hanging like a trophy from a tree in the back yard. it's small, too, barely a 4-point.

       i swear i was adopted.

       so what do you think? am i overreacting? is it just the natural order of things?

       speaking of big softy, i need to go work out. i really need to get into a routine again, and no better time than the present.

       laters.

wishing on stars for the millionth time...

       i haven't withered as much as i thought i would have after having my computer access severely restricted. i've been catching up on my netflix, which has been nice, but i'm getting increasingly antsy. i feel like i'm on some sort of time crunch to produce something worth publishing before i die so that all the claims of wanting to be a writer don't make me look like such the collossal fool (that, secretly or not-so-secrelty, i am). it's an urgency fueled by these movies and tv shows depicting people going about their happy lives in cities like boston or new york or london -- places that i would instantly run to if afforded the opportunity by some publishing success. or a sugar daddy -- let's face it, i'm not that proud. but the theme of my more antagonistic thoughts plays in that maddening loop and makes me wonder if i'm getting too old for such fantasies. also starting to wonder if it's a now or never type of thing. i'm not getting any younger.

       i'm not used to the darkness outside my window. both because of the end of daylight savings and because my parents are frustratingly in the middle of nowhere. i miss the persistent orange hum of the streetlight right outside that would remind me that there were people nearby. and i miss having people i love nearby. there are some small comforts, though. the stars here are amazing. i've said that before. ever since i was a child i'd look up at orion and find comfort in his twinkling protection. i always looked forward to autumn and winter, when i'd see him again. isn't that silly? i haven't really thought of that in a while as columbia's lights dimmed all but the brightest stars. but it's been nice to have that again, especially considering i've been slowly cracking up since moving back here.

       i've been talking about moving into town, though, and i may be able to before too long. i'll have enough to buy a new computer by next friday. i probably could have ordered it last week if i skimped on a couple wish list items, but i thought i'd just wait. then i want to build up a considerable savings again before moving out. but i had a thought. i could save for a couple months, get a couple months' worth of rent in the bank, and move out. a friend from columbia told me this week that he's wanting to move here in the summer and wondered if i'd be interested in rooming, which would be great. it's a little longer than i was hoping to be with the 'rents, but it's not a big deal. or... i could save up for a little longer and go for something a little bigger. like boston or new york or london. or edinburgh. that wasn't on the first list in the first paragraph, but it's definitely on that list. i don't know anyone there, though. i've been talking for years about moving out of missouri, but it's always just been talk. even now that's probably all it is. i'm nowhere near being able to do that, and who knows what will happen in the near future. but the thought keeps me going and right now that's a good thing.

       i need to go for a run, then shower and bed. early shift in the morning.