wishing on stars for the millionth time...

       i haven't withered as much as i thought i would have after having my computer access severely restricted. i've been catching up on my netflix, which has been nice, but i'm getting increasingly antsy. i feel like i'm on some sort of time crunch to produce something worth publishing before i die so that all the claims of wanting to be a writer don't make me look like such the collossal fool (that, secretly or not-so-secrelty, i am). it's an urgency fueled by these movies and tv shows depicting people going about their happy lives in cities like boston or new york or london -- places that i would instantly run to if afforded the opportunity by some publishing success. or a sugar daddy -- let's face it, i'm not that proud. but the theme of my more antagonistic thoughts plays in that maddening loop and makes me wonder if i'm getting too old for such fantasies. also starting to wonder if it's a now or never type of thing. i'm not getting any younger.

       i'm not used to the darkness outside my window. both because of the end of daylight savings and because my parents are frustratingly in the middle of nowhere. i miss the persistent orange hum of the streetlight right outside that would remind me that there were people nearby. and i miss having people i love nearby. there are some small comforts, though. the stars here are amazing. i've said that before. ever since i was a child i'd look up at orion and find comfort in his twinkling protection. i always looked forward to autumn and winter, when i'd see him again. isn't that silly? i haven't really thought of that in a while as columbia's lights dimmed all but the brightest stars. but it's been nice to have that again, especially considering i've been slowly cracking up since moving back here.

       i've been talking about moving into town, though, and i may be able to before too long. i'll have enough to buy a new computer by next friday. i probably could have ordered it last week if i skimped on a couple wish list items, but i thought i'd just wait. then i want to build up a considerable savings again before moving out. but i had a thought. i could save for a couple months, get a couple months' worth of rent in the bank, and move out. a friend from columbia told me this week that he's wanting to move here in the summer and wondered if i'd be interested in rooming, which would be great. it's a little longer than i was hoping to be with the 'rents, but it's not a big deal. or... i could save up for a little longer and go for something a little bigger. like boston or new york or london. or edinburgh. that wasn't on the first list in the first paragraph, but it's definitely on that list. i don't know anyone there, though. i've been talking for years about moving out of missouri, but it's always just been talk. even now that's probably all it is. i'm nowhere near being able to do that, and who knows what will happen in the near future. but the thought keeps me going and right now that's a good thing.

       i need to go for a run, then shower and bed. early shift in the morning.