resolutions. eleven of them, according to the challenge. should be interesting, in a boring way.
- body. i knew this was going to be one, so i got a jump on it last week to make it feel a little less like a new year's resolution. i joined the twenty-four hour fitness in independence, which i found out later is where my crush from work also goes. i haven't met him there yet, and i'm going to avoid meeting him there for a while, but... well, i'm looking forward to it. i went three times during the week, meeting my goal, and while i did have a couple "i don't wanna go!" moments, i think it will be easier to keep up with. i'm already getting used to it -- had a really good workout today, and certainly enjoying the workouts, so that's good. and i've already noticed a slight elevation in my mood. but beyond basic working out, there are also a few other things i've always wanted to try that require more physical resources than i've had. probably won't be at that level for a long while, even assuming i keep up the workouts, but either way i'll keep those hush hush for now.
- write more. bet you're surprised by this one. the reason i most often don't write is because of a crappy mood, so i'm hoping the first resolution will aid in that. i really need to get a move on there, though. fer serious. but i received some inspiration for christmas in that little book of short stories. good stuffs.
- chillax about getting older. i noticed lines on my face for the first time tonight and promptly freaked out. just smile lines around my eyes, and they're pretty small, but i still ran to amazon.com and ordered some anti-aging moisturizer from my currently preferred brand. i'm a little bummed because i just bought two more bottles of my regular stuff, but they'll be good to have on hand anyway. oh, and the rogaine continues to work its lovely magic. not perfection by any means, but definitely better. twenty-seven is too young to freak out, though, and i've always thought guys in their late twenties were more attractive anyway. once again crossing my fingers in hopes that i'll get there. but i think i'm just freaking out because i wanted to have things accomplished by this time ...and i'm still living with my parents. which brings me to number four.
- move out before my twenty-eighth birthday. i'm pretty confident that this will happen well before that point, but i'm still going to list it. the new computer and christmas (and christmas for me!) drained my already paltry savings, but i'm already on the way to recovery. i need to be entirely self-supporting, though. perhaps if i keep my second resolution i'll be a bit closer to that point.
- i really need to be better with money, too. i've always been bad with it and probably always will be on some level, but there's still a lot of room to grow within those parameters. i opened a savings account in august, which was a crucial step (kinda sad, i know), and i think the moving out thing will necessitate an improvement, but i simply need to stop buying things i don't need. what would be good, though, is a boyfriend who's good with the stuff. that would be nice.
- yeah, it's kinda pathetic that i'm making this a resolution, but i would enjoy having a boyfriend. late twenties and lacking a solid relationship history is fitting for a guy living with his parents, granted, but do i really need to say more on the subject? a cuddle buddy at least would be appreciated.
- get out more. kinda goes along with the last, or at least it could possibly facilitate the success of that goal, though not necessarily with the abundance of technological ways a gay can meet others of the same persuasion (all you breeders are way behind us there). but this one does kinda put a strain on that fifth resolution, so some care must be exercised.
- read more. funny coming from me, but since moving back here i really haven't been reading as much as i'd like. the stack of books on my nightstand continues to pile up, and i'm excited about all of them. just haven't.
- go to bed earlier. way too many benefits to pass up, but i've been barely getting what i need, hence, in part, the caffeine reliance. but i don't really do all that much when i stay up late. usually just surfing or watching netflix. i'm sure it will help with number eight, too. i always love reading in bed.
- travel. probably one of the ones i won't keep as much as i'd hope. kind of a traveler at heart, though, thanks to traveling around the country with the 'rents while growing up. but i do have a trip to iowa planned in february and i'd like to visit friends in new york and boston sooner rather than later.
- expand my horizons. there are many things i want to do that are a bit beyond my usual daily routine, but that's kinda the point.
- ooh. bonus resolutions. i'd like to piano more. i haven't since moving back, but an interest in the doctor who soundtrack is rekindling the desire.
- lucky thirteen. invent a time machine so i'll be able to fit all these ridiculous things in my schedule.
done now. happy new year. :)
i've always been a dreamer. a big dreamer. and for myself i've only really had two main dreams that, whatever else i may have wanted or whatever else may have happened, i could imagine myself being ok if i had one of these two. and i wanted them
badly. both have always existed -- even when i was very, very young i wanted to be either a singer/musician or a writer. or both. the first twenty years of my life (maybe a little less) were dominated by the desire to sing. i wanted it so bad i was in pain. the desire was so great that even now when i think about it, though i realize that it's not going to happen, i still feel a little twinge, and that was nearly ten years ago. but i got some training and sang as much as i could and even made a cd. haha. but by then the ever so practical dream of being a writer started to fill in between the tatters of my singing career. i'm still kinda stuck on that one, and i'm starting to worry that the edges of this one are fraying like the one before it did, but this time there isn't anything to fill in the gaps. it's what i want to do. definitely a "here goes nuthin'" sort of thing.
it's kinda sad that all four text messages i've received so far today were twitter updates from
davey wavey. yeah, don't ask.
day twenty-six. talk about the last "random act of kindness" you encountered. i'm a little bit stumped on this one. and troubled that i'm stumped. i can think of plenty acts of kindness, but it's the "random" that gets me. my cat just randomly jumped on my lap to snuggle. that was kind. and certainly appreciated. so there.
day fifteen. a poem you wrote.
i don't like poems,
so i'm writing this haiku
to meet the challenge.
ooh, another verse,
written just to celebrate
the fact that i'm done.
but i should tell you
that i have a bit of news:
i'm seeing someone.
sometimes i wake up -- and you're no longer there.
<edit note> a good friend corrected my unintended yet improper and rather insensitive use of the word pharisee, for which i apologize. the phrase has been removed. </note>
so that whole huckabee thing really pissed me off. i rather liked garett's rant about it. so the other night in my own righteous anger i posted on my facebook (along with a link to the article), "if anyone agrees with this f*cktard please defriend me now. kthxbai." that started a nice little poop storm on my facebook wall. as i mentioned before i was raised mormon (more or less), and i'm still connected via social networking to many of these friends from what increasingly feels like my former life -- the life i'm slowly trying to climb up out of. so a few of the more outspoken ones felt the need to throw in their two cents instead of kindly granting my request (granted, there were actually more who posted that they also thought it was bull, but i'm talking about the others for now). a few stepped in and sounded their ideas of loving the person, not the sin, and that friendships are certainly still possible and desired. one person even said that it's a shame that i can't be friends with people who don't share my views.
i really have to question that.
frankly, that kind of a relationship just doesn't work for me. if you say you love me and want to have a good christian friendship with me out of one side of your mouth then from the other side say that i'm a sinner bound for hell and vote to strip me of my rights because you don't agree with my "choices" -- well that's not exactly love, is it? i certainly respect other views and i firmly believe that they should be able to express those views, but i really have no desire to maintain friendships with people who believe that i'm going to hell (a.k.a. bigots). i'm trying to cut out the negativity in my life, not invite more in. it took me over a decade to deal with all of that crap and i really don't want to have it around if i can avoid it. maybe i'm being an intolerant a**hole, but i think it's ok to be a little intolerant of intolerance, no?
what do you think?
the second part of this month's kween_of_the_queens writing challenge follows. this might get dangerous, lol.
Challenge B: That's right, my loyal subjects, it's April Fool's Day. To celebrate, I'd like you to tell me about those things that make you feel foolish. Another list! 25 things on this one, too! Or perhaps you'd like to take it in a different direction? Perhaps you'd like to talk about your favorite April Fool's prank that you've pulled or fell victim to or heard about instead.
- falling in love with someone. le sigh.
- "forgetting" something that's on my head/face/body. for example, i was at the gym over christmas break and as i was leaving i freaked out because i couldn't find my beanie. i retraced my steps only to find it ... yeah, on my head. i do that with my glasses quite often. even when they're in their proper place. you know... right in front of my eyes.
- attractive men. one of countless examples: today there was this guy at my sandwich shop who decided to get up and walk across the room to fill up his soda just as i was putting a sandwich in the toaster oven. i definitely missed the toaster. ham and bacon all over the place.
- reading the same page half a dozen times without realizing it. i used to do this with dickens a lot.
- being nearly 27 and completely lacking any sort of professional career or even a plan for one.
- when i unintentionally make off-hand remarks that hurt people i care about.
- waving back at someone only to realize they were waving at someone behind me. this happens all. the. time. it's almost to the point where i just ignore everyone now in the likely case that it's not me they're saying "hi" to.
- when former professors or classmates come into my sandwich shop and see how far my degree has taken me. there's one guy who comes in fairly regularly, and i'm convinced it's just to gloat. even though he probably doesn't have a clue who i am.
- this one, like number 7, is probably pretty universal, but i do it alot -- the whole walking into a room and having no idea what you were doing there thing.
- when i forget that my walls aren't soundproof and start belting it along with celine dion or the glee sountrack.
more coming. eventually.
so i'm going to try it again, this whole challenge thing. this one is from kween_of_the_queens. check it out. ;)
Challenge A: What gives you Glee? Seriously. What makes you happy? What are the things thing that would give you a full blown patronus or that would make you dance around in your pajamas during a raging thunderstorm singing and twirling with draperies? Let's go for a list. We haven't had one of those in a while. 25 things that make you giddy with glee. Aaaand... go!
- raindrops on roses
- whiskers on kittens
- bright copper kettles
oh... you mean i have to come up with my own? dammit. fine then. in no particular order:
- books. well, this one might be in order. i'm a big fan. really big.
- writing. more of a love/hate thing here. well, an always love but not always like thing. but it's what i want to do. for some reason.
- friends. especially the ones that actually like me.
- music. it rocks. even the non-rocky stuff.
- midnight releases. i've dressed up once. didn't add much. but i love these. i hope i'm never too old for them.
- concerts. haven't been in too long. they used to depress me. they still make me a little nostalgic.
- theater. awesomeness on a stage.
- movies. it's like the theater. except it's on a screen. and you can get them with subtitles.
- ice cream sandwiches. oh me. more like orgasm sandwiches. i like making my own, too, with chocolate chip cookies. but the store-bought chocolate wafer ones are just as amazing.
- thunderstorms. because they go "BOOM!" like dynamite.
- hot showers. often more than one. often the favorite parts of my day.
- kittens. though he's not much of a kitten anymore. he cuddles with me. =)
- travel. i haven't been on a proper trip in almost a decade. sad sad. but i love them. love road trips. and i want to be able to travel someday.
- glee. the emotion is good, but i'm definitely talking about the tv show. i'm so freaking excited for the 13th. i'm throwing a party. =)
- cuddling. i'm kind of a cuddle whore.
- boys. let's face it: i'm boy crazy. and it's wonderful to be able to say that.
- british accents. david is one of my best friends (alas, haven't met him yet) and he has an amazing voice. seriously sounds like jude law. i love skyping with him. why does that sound dirty? hm... probably because i want it to. ;) now he'll never want to do it again. =( anyway. i have a slight hope that my husband will have a british accent.
- exercise. maybe i'm weird, but i love it. lifting, running, what have you. especially long walks. love 'em. beach not required. company is nice, but also not required.
- getting things in the mail. i'm an amazon.com and netflix junkie, so i usually know when things are coming (because i track their progress religiously), but it's also nice when they get there early. surprise packages/letters are the best, but i usually only get those from my mom. she thinks i'm special.
- cooking. i like it a lot. i should go help my mom with lunch, actually. =)
- teaching. some things. not school, really, though i've never tried it, but i like teaching people how to do things or about things. recently i've been teaching a friend how to sing. and it's fun.
- crosswords. i love a good crossword.
- chocolate eggs. or just chocolate in general. yummy stuff.
- mania. i'm a bit bipolar, so sometimes i can't help it when i feel all giddy. sometimes it's nice, for a change.
- stars. i'm home in kansas city for the weekend and my parents live a little bit out in the country. last night was the first time i've seen stars in ages. it was wonderful. =)
click! take the challenge! you know you want to...
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 10, 2010
Contact:
mercurialmusic
MIRACLE DRUG DISCOVERED
Pharmaceutical giant Panazoth announced Wednesday that they have discovered a cure for the condition responsible for many cases of depression, anxiety, poor self-image, excessive obsession, mania, and stress, and which contributes directly to economic hardship and global overpopulation.
"We're very excited about this discovery," says Panazoth spokeswoman Anita Goodman. "Hopeless romantics and computer nerds all over the world will be able to take back control of their emotions. We no longer have to face the debilitating pain that plagues so many. There is now a choice!"
Panazoth has dubbed its new wonder-drug Amorex, which is available in different formulas for both men and women. According to its developers, the drug works on chemical receptors in the brain to simultaneously regulate levels of oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, norepinephrine, seratonin, and either testosterone or estrogen (depending on the formula), which are considered the main chemical offenders behind the symptoms associated with the condition commonly and often mistakenly referred to as "love." Panazoth claims that Amorex will restore normal behavior and increase productivity many times over.
"Clinical trials have been quite impressive," says Goodman. "Testers have reported fewer thoughts of suicide, a decrease in emotional eating, and most importantly a significant reduction in sentimental babbling and other generally annoying behaviors."
Panazoth expects Amorex to hit stores worldwide as early as this weekend and hopes that the drug will curb outbreaks of the "love" disease, which is usually most rampant this time of year.
It's been a long time since we last met. The last time was here, wasn't it? Well... in there. The doors are shut now. Probably a service in progress. I remember what it was like to be in there, to see the King children in the back row with their coloring books and little baggies of Cheerios, old lady Shaw and her warm smile and penetrating eyes, and Miss Jeanie sitting straight as an arrow behind the piano. Is she well? She used to give me the biggest smiles, the sweetest hugs. She and her husband took me out for my birthday last year. I miss them. I miss all of them. I'm still the same person, after all. It was their smiles that faltered, their breath that got caught up in the battle between me and what they think you said. But it wasn't you, was it? No, you wouldn't say something like that about me. Yet, here I am, and there they are--the doors locked more securely than before, the narrow windows more tightly shuttered. I used to preach from their pulpit; now I'm here, behind these bars, the once shiny black paint chipping away and showing the rust beneath. Looking up at the cold stone stained by centuries of weather and creeping vines, it's hard to imagine you living there. But you're not contained by stone halls or iron bars, are you? How could you be? No... you're right. Neither am I. They're the ones behind the bars, kept in the stone vault and looking out narrow windows. Maybe, one day, they'll venture down that old gravel path and discover you waiting for them in places they didn't expect. And I'll hug Miss Jeanie again and wink at old lady Shaw and see how much the children have grown.
Three things I'm thankful for, day two:
- Warm, whole-wheat bread fresh from the oven with peach preserves I made a couple nights ago.
- Quiet nights in, complete with conversations with good friends and Netflix movies on tap.
- Course schedules from a helpful graduate assistant assuring me I didn't procrastinate too long and that I will graduate. Finally.
A writing challenge from
Kween of the Queens!
How dothe mild days and freshness of spring affect your mood and outlook on
life? Does Spring make you hopeful of good things to come? When winter
ends and spring begins, do you really notice the transformation of life
happening all around you? What do you notice the most?
I've always been a fan of autumn/early winter, myself, but spring is the next best thing. When late winter starts to be too cold and bitter and brown, it's nice to shed some layers and go for a walk with all of the new life springing up. It doesn't quite hold the same magic for me that autumn does, but the feeling of a new beginning--another chance at life--does take over, and it gives me more a sense of physical energy than autumn's ethereal sort. And yes, I suppose that makes me hopeful in a way. It's always nice to have another chance at things. Right now I see it as an opportunity to reinvent myself, and I've been trying to take advantage of that. I've been making some more serious attempts to get back in shape, I've been trying on some new ideas, and I'm discovering more about myself and what I want to do with my life.
Yesterday was the first official day of spring, but around here it came a couple weeks ago with all of this beautiful weather that we've been having. Maybe it's my imagination, but there seems to be a new bounce in everyone's step as they walk down the street. I walk to work every day, and I've definitely noticed more smiles on people's faces, even if they are on their way to a class. I went back and read that autumn post and I realized that I've come further than I realized since then. I've been feeling a little down with the recent verbal renewal of my position here at the house, fearing that I've been too stagnant, but knowing where I was back in September and sensing what's ahead of me now, I smile in spite of my usually negative self. There are still choices to be made. There will always be those. But the things I want don't seem quite as unattainable at the moment. It's a nice feeling.
Happy spring everyone! Take care.
so i've recently become a fan of writing challenges thanks to this guy. if you do not approve, please blame him, but if you do, it was all my idea. i figured this boring little blog could use a little revitalization after 5 years, though, so i'm going to try it. this is the current challenge and my first attempt:
A writing challenge from Kween_of_the_Queens!
I want you to all list 25 things that you have a positive attitude about. Sounds hard? Just think of all the things you have in your every day life that you can be positive about....yes, even the hard times! Here's to hoping your 2009 starts out on a positive note!
a list! i don't think i've ever done one before... yes... i can do this. it'd be good for me, too, eternal optimist that i am. yes, i can hear you scoffing. stop that.
i am positive about:
- making new friends. i am quiet and usually don't have a whole lot to say, and when i do have something to say i often fumble the words quite spectacularly (my mouth can never keep up with my brain). despite this, a few people still think i'm interesting enough to get to know, even if it's the same kind of interesting as a car accident on the interstate. i also can't recall an instance where i've ever failed to make a new friend when i set my mind to it.
- cooking. it soothes me, even when i'm in a cooking frenzy. i love working with my hands to create something for others (and myself on occasion) to enjoy. i may be humble about it, but i know when i've made something good. i've actually recently heard about an open chef's position at one of my favorite local restaurants, sophia's. they don't require a lot of previous experience, and i think i'm going to try for it. wish me luck!
- my pianoing. yes, i know that's not a word. and yes, i'm fully aware that this is becoming a list of things i'm confident about, but they are somewhat linked and it's my list so you can take your negativity and... make it go away. this is a positive post. i may not be awesome at piano, but i'm not bad. i love it, actually. my second piano teacher once told me, "you can play anything you set your mind to. just take it one note at a time." and i can. i'm almost finished with butterflies and hurricanes. stupid solo arpeggios. they're killer.
- writing my book. i'm going to finish it along with several others. i have to.
- creating a new life. i don't mean kids, but maybe... someday? who knows. i mean getting out of columbia, getting out of missouri, and possibly/hopefully/maybe getting out of the states. i mean having a life surrounded by those whom i love who might occasionally deign to love me back. i want to be in a place where i don't have to be afraid of who i am and a place where i'm not alone, where i'm happy to wake up to a new day and able to fall asleep at night. a (real-life) friend (i have a few) of mine, ami (i know, right? french word for "friend" here, people), recently became tired of my whining and has resolved to send me away, if only so she doesn't have to listen to me pine away anymore. i love her.
- finishing this list. i'm on number six and doing fine. may not write as much on the others, though. this is getting long. hehe.
- finally finishing school. eight years, my friends, and i'm going to be finished in a few months. yes, this was supposed to be a four-year degree. so what? i took a few breaks, some more extended than others, but i'm finally there, and i'm not as freaked out about the whole "life after college" thing as i used to be. i have hopes now. i have dreams!
- getting control of my fitness. i gain and lose more times than oprah, usually the results of my craziness, laziness, and my myriad of other issues combined with nervous breakdowns and my mad cooking skillz. the worst was a little over a year and a half ago, but i'm over it and now i'm getting back on track, quite literally. btw, myriad is a noun, not an adjective, see? the "of" is supposed to be there.
- the new house director being nice. i met her tonight for the first time. she seems very cool. *crosses fingers and toes*
- that this is going to be a good year. i may not yet get the changes i'm hoping for, but i will be working diligently for them. and yes, i may need a kick in the pants (or several) along the way. but i will get there. oh yes, i will get there.
- becoming better at violin. i stopped playing for a few reasons, one being my grandmother's passing, another being obnoxious roommates, and another being my own lack of confidence because i didn't seem to be improving. that will change.
- becoming better at guitar. i never really stopped -- just haven't been as diligent as i need to be.
- thirteen not being unlucky. folks, this is called filler. i have to come up with twenty-five of these
stinking happy things! - being positive. as much as i would like to be, i'm not always a "glass is half full" kind of person. i'm not really a "glass is half empty" person either, but i am more prone to moping about how the liquid in the glass isn't complete without its other half and how the glass itself is suffocating the liquid and how the ambient light of the room isn't hitting said liquid in exactly the right way for it to look and feel its best. oh yeah, and how the liquid itself is too fat. i'm positive that this will also change.
- dreaming. if you recall, this topic was mentioned briefly in bullet number seven. i have tried many times to give up on my dreams. quite unfortunately i was successful in doing so with perhaps my greatest. it actually hurts to think that i don't want it as much anymore, and it hurts even more to realize that i probably could have had it if i kept working at it. yes, part of me still wants it. anyway, i'm positive that i will not give up on my current dreams (see bullet four), even though i've tried almost as hard to give up on it as i did the first.
- all these silly daydreams becoming reality. related to the last but more specifically about bullet five. i'm sitting in front of my fireplace (great for the laptop, i know) and i keep getting lost in the flames. i know it's kinda cheating to say it again like this, but i really want nothing more at the moment.
- my little brother's marriage. i probably shouldn't mention it here, but i've been really worried about him. they married young and a little too quickly, and they have issues (like any couple, i suppose). but i've been really impressed with the way they seem to be working through them.
- not letting the fact that i'm twenty-five and have never been in a *serious* relationship get to me too much, even though most of my old friends and many of my current friends are in them. it'll happen when it happens. *shrugs*
- dang fire. it's too bewitching. i'm positive about being very cozy and warm right now despite the negative temperatures outside (no joke!). it's kinda wonderful, actually. and the bread in my oven smells really good.
- the new movies i got for christmas. i absolutely love movies. love can't be emphasized enough, but it'd be a little silly if i really did emphasize it like i ought to. just imagine the underlines and the circles and the arrows pointing to love in that sentence. i even got a book/movie combo of "howl's moving castle." yup. be jealous.
- harry potter and the half-blood prince being released in u.s. theaters on july 17th. because if they move it again, heads will roll.
- the little stuffed black sheep that jordan bought for me. she knows me too well. we named him "eunique" because he's a eunuch (we looked) and also unique (black sheep).
- trying to be a better person. i've been allowing myself to molder a little too much.
- this movie i'm about to watch being awesome. "son of rambow." it's been recommended by about fifty bajillion people and i'm finally sitting down to watch it, old lady cross-stitch in hand.
- my life, past, present, and future. this is bullet twenty-five, i'm twenty-five years old, and i'm determined to be positive about all of the years i've had and all of the years still to come.
eunique says "mooo"
(he's a confused little sheep)
