'puters and boobs...

       well, it's official. my computer's dead. or the screen is, anyway, and the monitor that i was using as a replacement also went out. nice bit of irony there. so i'll largely be absent from computer-land for the next few weeks as i continue to save up for the new one. hopefully that will happen within the next couple paychecks. in the meantime i've been using my parent's computer, but i don't have many chances to access it and their computer is sadder than mine despite beng a much newer model. makes me feel a little proud of my tech-savvy. the car didn't sell within its listing period, though, mostly from lack of effort on my part. i had about 50 calls and only 2 of those came out to take a look at it. the first guy barely fit in the car so i knew he wasn't going to buy it. the second was buying it for his daughter and she didn't like the maroon. very frustrating, and i'm kicking myself for not trying to sell it when i had more time, but then i couldn't afford to sell it at that point either. but that was going to be the new computer. so. here i am.

       the halloween costume is coming together better than i expected. i've been pretty nervous about my first drag experience, but i've been practicing with the makeup and i think i finally have it down. i've discovered that cream eyeliners are far superior to pencils and false lashes are a bitch. i'm ditching the lipstick, which was a little too garish even for halloween, and upon finding this nifty little padded bra thing at gordman's while shopping for lady pants i've decided to go for the boobs, which really make a difference. i'm using socks to fill 'em out tonight for a halloween party, but a friend is bringing water insert thingies to work tomorrow that i'll be able to use. i don't look much like flo, but it's fun. i'm sure pictures will make their way to facebook. and by the way, the lady pants make my ass look awesome. but let's just say i'm glad i'm wearing that progressive apron. those pants leave nothing to the imagination.

       i'm off to do some sewing, though. final touches on the costume. everyone have fun this weekend! be safe.

       <edit>

yeah. i got first place. =)

       </edit>

go with the flo...

       so did anyone else see the rocky horror glee show tonight? definitely glad i dvr'd that one. raised my temperature a couple degrees. i definitely need to watch the original again.

       i got packages in the mail today! expecting a whole slew of them over the next few days. yeah, i've been bad about saving up for that new computer (as the screen flickers threateningly) and my car isn't selling, partly because i friggin' hate selling it. oh, no, i want to get rid of it. but the whole calling people back and answering questions and meeting with them thing. i'm going to try to bribe my dad to do it. anyway. the packages today were mostly a couple gift items for friends along with a few books that i'm excited about. the next few should contain pieces of my halloween costume, which, fingers crossed, will earn me that $100 gift card up for grabs at work. i'm going as flo from the progressive commercials. i really like progressive as a company (VERY gay friendly, great service, good insurance). i got my whole family to switch. really, i did. it's my first foray into drag, though, and i'm both nervous and excited. and i'm going all out, the costume complete with a wig and makeup and false eyelashes. i think i'm going to leave out the boobs, though. as my friend dan commented, she doesn't have much anyway. i'll just get a tighter shirt and let my own hang out. it's also the first time in a long time, and the second time ever, that i've dressed up for halloween. for that alone i'm excited. it's definitely one of my favorites.

       what are all of you doing for halloween?

       oy. bed time. for some reason i never have any time anymore.

fashionably(?) late...

       i seem to be something of a hunter/quester after all. i wonder if it's a thing hard wired into the y chromosome, but i'm finding myself in a funny situation where i'm asking... now what? go ahead, draw your conclusions. you probably won't be too far off. needless to say, it was a good weekend. the grail turned out to be not as shiny as i expected or, more appropriately, hoped, and i'm feeling somewhat deflated tonight, mostly upset with myself for hoping for impossible things. but i'm also crossing a few wires in my brain and all the emotions are getting confused, so maybe things will settle down shortly. yes, i'm being cryptic on purpose. my kc gay bar cherry was popped over the weekend, though. i had to laugh at myself because i found it strange that the place had multiple rooms, multiple bars, and every inch of it was packed (hehe). but it turned out to be simultaneously more and less intimidating than i expected. certainly more people than the columbia bars and a far greater variety, which was refreshing. kinda disappointed in the drag show, though. it seemed like more of an afterthought, tucked away in a corner with very little structure or attention. granted, i didn't see much of it, but it was obvious that it wasn't nearly the entertaining production that i came to know in como. but this was only one of the bars. we even took a cab, which, thinking about it now, was my first time ever riding in a taxi. that's kinda funny. it was all a good time, though. and about time.

       today was the 24th, or yesterday was. for a long time it has been one of my favorite dates, simply on nerd principle, and you can see by my pulse that i still honored it, even if you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's always so wonderfully autumny, though, which you know is my favorite season, and then there's the whole, well, nerd part of it. i actually requested today off, in hopes of getting some writing in and of enjoying the day, but i didn't get much of that done. i think i'd rather blame it on the time of the month or being uber-exhausted from the weekend (i still had to work saturday morning after being out till 3, and since there was no way i could drive that night i had to get up at 7 to drive the hour back to my house to shower and change into my work clothes before driving the 45 minutes back to work -- have i mentioned that i hate living in the country?) than thinking about it too much, which is what i'll inevitably do if i keep rambling on.

       i'm trying to make something right now, and i want it to be perfect. except i'm kinda giving up on it because i'm convinced that it won't be. sometimes i feel very silly and out of touch with what's going on around me, which isn't a good thing for someone who wants to be a writer. i hate not knowing how people will respond to things.

       bed time. past bed time, actually. ninight.

i just met the next guy who's going to break my heart...

       i haven't even known the guy for twelve hours and i'm already going crazy about him. not a good sign. or maybe it is and it'll be one of those intense but fleeting things that won't leave me in pieces like every other guy i've fallen for -- just a fond memory to look back on occasionally when i think of october afternoons or dark chocolate eyes. we spent the afternoon with a mutual friend at the final day of the renaissance festival in kansas city, and it was such a good time. our friend even remarked later to me that he had never seen him so unreserved with someone new. we really seemed to click. but no, this will probably be a doozy, just like the others. because, just like the other guys that i fall for, it's kind of a foregone conclusion that he won't be interested. that's kinda how it works for me. but i could not take my eyes off him. just.... wow.

       k, back to real life now.

<edit> 10/19. talked to him for over an hour tonight. he initiated. we seem to have a lot in common. we both have random schedules (he's a nursing student and an EMT), but both want to meet up again soon. fingers crossed, heart pounding. exciting stuff, folks. </edit>

<edit 2.0> 10/21. date tomorrow night. wish me luck! =) </edit 2.0>

the quintessential human delusion...

       it's no secret that the last few months have been pretty tough for me. even i'm starting to get sick of all my whining and "woe is me." maybe it's the fact that it's autumn (by far my favorite) or that i have something of an income now, or perhaps it's simply that i'm getting used to the way things are, but the thought struck me this morning that i'm actually thriving. it might only be on a level equivalent to that of a bacterium in a petri dish (in terms of social standing, not rate of growth), but i'm bolstered by the realization that in some ways i've been at my best. i came to this conclusion after speaking with a couple friends in similarly tough times. their attitudes and feelings reminded me of my own, and the hope and optimism that i have for them allowed me to take a step back out of my own wallowing to see that the dark times often turn out to be some of my favorite.

       several days ago i happened through a bit of channel surfing to come across the remake of "the day the earth stood still." the character played by the wonderful john cleese, here proclaimed a world leader (as a thinker, not a person in a position of political or religious power), said "it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. only at the precipice do we evolve. this is our moment." my feeling has been something like that, a throwback to my old perhaps naive but still favorite topic of hope, a thing which the second matrix film profoundly characterized as "simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness," a statement that i've found to be quite true (which is perhaps the reason i'm so fascinated by the subject).

       i know that i have been evolving over the last couple months. faced with a precipice of my own, many times (and still) wondering if it would be better to give up entirely on my rather ridiculous dream of sustaining myself as an author, it only takes a glance at my notebooks and computer documents to see that i've written more in the last month or so than in all the rest of 2010. and i have a job which may afford me the chance to be self-reliant within a few more months. the economy is still very squarely in the crapper, as is my mood more often than not, but in keeping (relatively) up on current opinions and trends, there's certainly a note of cautious optimism. such is the case with queer rights (at least in the u.s.) as well. the phrase "all men are created equal" is still something of a humorless joke, but there have been several extremely important advancements in the courts as well as with public opinion (which, for the first time in recent history, the (still small) majority supports equality). will this be a great human precipice that will bring about some wonderful evolution? probably not. but there's hope, and that's the point.

curse the wind...

       i'm not handling things very well right now. i'll be the first to say it. had a few life upheavals this summer and i'm still trying to find my footing. it's been three months. then in the last couple weeks i've been trying to get over a stubborn eye infection, started back at my first job, my computer has been acting up (i'm really hoping it will last just another month), and then tonight i was on my way to hang out with this guy i've been kinda seeing (sporadically -- tonight he was going to take me out on the town for my first kansas city gay bar experience, which would have been our fourth date since the end of july) and i get a flat tire just a few miles from home, which takes me about a half hour to change because i'm bummed out and i couldn't get the stupid bolts off the wheel (which just pissed me off because i'm fairly strong). after that i was all sweaty and dirty and i kinda melted into a puddle there on the side of the road.

       i just want something to work.

       i've been slacking this week. i haven't written a word. i still haven't done the kweeny post for mid-september yet, and if i don't do it soon it will be the second mid-month post i've missed in a row. turning out to be a bad queen and this is only my eighth month. a friend of mine who may or may not read this blog sent me a message tonight that said "don't be tired of hoping. just because it is not what you expected it to be doesn't mean you are not where you should be." despite myself, it kinda helps a little. i don't really know how much i believe in whether there is some sort of grand cosmic plan laid out by interdimensional white mice, but it certainly helps me sympathize a little with those who do. in the least it gives me something to swear at.

       he called me, the guy i was meeting -- he tried to cheer me up a little, which worked some. i think we're both realizing that i'm not exactly relationship ready, though. which is kind of unfortunate. guess we'll see what happens.

       bed time. hope you're all well.

what was your major in college? do you wish you could have studied something else?

       sure, it was a question from a couple days ago, but i just saw it because i'm hip and up to date like that. and even though most of you know the answer already i'm going to answer it anyway then just keep on rambling like i usually do because i can. english with an emphasis in fiction creative writing and an incomplete minor in linguistics because i'm a "see things through" kinda guy. hm. i really am, though. sometimes a little too much. do i wish i'd have studied something else? sometimes, yes. i liked science, too, and i'd probably have a better chance of a salaried job right now had i gone that route. and i almost did music, but that probably would have been even more stupid (for me). but i don't regret my choice, and i'm glad i finally finished it. but i've been wondering "now what?" for a bit too long and it's getting rather frustrating. i like spontaneity in little things -- not big things.

       i wrote the ending to the first chapter of this historical fiction/fantasy that i've been working on. no, the chapter's not done -- just the ending. haha. i'm probably not too far from finishing the chapter, but i also started this thing -- jesus, i just looked it up -- almost a year ago. and i had had the idea for a while before that, turning it over in my mind. yeah, i did the bulk of what i have now during nanowrimo last year. i had started a little early and posted the prologue on tenebra_ruo at the end of october (ha, the 24th -- my favorite day). don't bother clicking on that link, i think only two of you will be able to see it. it's not much to see anyway -- things have changed since then. wow, that kinda threw me. that's really sad. sure, i have bits of the second and third chapters going, but just that after a year? that's pathetic. but -- i write best when that's all i'm doing. if i could take a year, not have to worry about anything else, and just write -- i'm sure i could finish it. they should do grants for nobody writers working on the next great american novel and give them loads of cash so they can live and work on their writing, all in the name of bettering society. or something. i wonder if i could do some fundraising, get some art investors who don't expect a return other than perhaps a signed copy of the finished product. anyone know anyone? hm?

       got kinda off base there. anyway, i wrote this ending. and i really liked it. seriously tugged my heartstrings and got me all excited because it's a little bit of a cliff-hanger. and now none of you will be able to read it because i'll be way too self-conscious and scared because i'm proud of it and i'll be crushed if you don't like it. especially you critics out there. and i've already decided to write under a pen name that none of you will recognize. so .

       first day back at the grocery store tomorrow. so pumped.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

playing with dinosaurs...

       i'm kinda amused by the fact that i'm a little nervous about orientation tomorrow. why i have orientation for a place i worked for over nine years i'm not sure, but it has been over three since i've been there and i'm sure things have changed. i'm going to have a lot of stuff to relearn in customer service, too, and you'd be surprised how much there is to it. i don't know, though -- i think it's the newness. some of the employees are the same, but a lot of them are different. because, you know, they're all high schoolers. oh, and the coming out. i haven't decided yet how to do that. turns out it's a lifelong process, one that i'm still relatively new to, so i haven't quite got it down yet. i think for now i'm going to try to keep it as organic as possible -- when it comes up. or maybe they'll get the idea when they catch me staring at a hot guy. yeah, it happens.

       having fun with the computer right now. last weekend the screen randomly decided to go berserk. without provocation it just started turning itself off. like, every two to five seconds. i figured out fairly quickly that hitting the little button that turns the screen off when the lid closes turns it back on, but i was sitting here keeping one finger on the button and one on the keyboard because i had to keep tapping it. quite annoying. after a lot of research i discovered that the backlight on my screen is going out. the backlight itself is a ten dollar part and i did an exploratory surgery to see if i could replace it myself. i kinda like taking things apart. that's always how i would win at the rubik's cube, by taking the thing apart and putting it back together the right way. i could solve it in thirty seconds flat. alas, the backlight is built into the screen assembly itself, so changing it isn't possible. a new screen runs at least a hundred bucks, so with all the other warning signs that my computer will soon explode (which my last one did) i've decided that it's just time for a new one. i'm currently very anti-credit card (or, more appropriately, they're very anti-me) so i'm gonna be saving my pennies and praying that my little dinosaur here will hold out for another month or so. heh. it's not as if i have anything better to spend my money on. but i found a temporary fix in dimming the screen to a very low setting, which solved the on/off problem, but now i can't look at the screen for too long or my eyes go all buggy. it's waay past its time, though, so i'm looking forward to the new one.

       mmm. bed time.

yes, i'm an emotional being...

       so i was a bit emotional the other day. thanks to all for your words of encouragement and calling me out on my illogical-ness. unfortunately it happens more often than i'd like to admit. yes, i have a job, and that's a good thing. with some luck and a slight stretch of the imagination i may even be able to get my own place before too long. i've just decided to set my goal as christmas, but we shall see. i won't be paid that much and i don't know how many hours i'll be able to get.

       i went in today for a pee test and i passed, so that was good. no, i wasn't worried. i was told to go in at two but things were pushed back and they couldn't see me until three, so i sat in the parking lot (it's a freaking beautiful day today) and read a little and chatted a bit. i decided to read over some of what i have written thus far in this historical fiction/fantasy that i've been working on, and i was very pleasantly surprised that i kinda got lost in it. granted, i created the world and it already exists fairly well-formed in my mind, but i don't think i've ever had that happen before when reading my own stuff. it really took me off guard when i kinda snapped out of it. so i'm taking that as a good sign.

       i've opened the windows in the house and i'm just reveling in this weather. low seventies and breezy and autumny. always my favorite time of year. and i just found an apartment i want. not the one downtown that i was looking at earlier, but closer to good ol' hy-vee in independence. i need a roommate, though. any takers?

damsel in distress...

       i never thought i'd be so sad about getting a job before. i had the privilege of chatting with maureen for a bit this afternoon before she ran to pick up her adorable little munchkins, and i commented on still being jobless, as has been my increasingly common lament for the past couple months. soon after i told her that, though, i got a call from my friend in the customer service department of hy-vee, the first job i ever held (for about nine years). she had an opening on weekends. so... yeah. haha. somehow the thought is making me even more depressed, but it's a job, right? and it'll hold me over until something else comes along.

       to be fair, i liked the job. it's a decent company and the pay is above average for the sort of work. but suddenly i feel like my soul is depressurizing and leaking out my ears.

       no, it's no use screaming and telling me to go for what i want instead. trust me, i and probably many of you have tried. for one, i'm not sure what i want. for another, i wouldn't know the first thing about trying to get it. and for another still i have this debilitating lack of self-confidence that's not entirely unfounded, which keeps me rooted to one spot.

       i feel like i'm waiting/hoping to be rescued. excellent boyfriend material.

       i'm gonna go cook dinner now. laters.

binge and purge...

       i swam tonight. now i'm polishing off the last piece of the coldstone peanut butter and chocolate ice cream cake left from my birthday. and i just saw this recipe for guinness chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting and i think that sounds amazing too (i'm all for crunchy p.b., but i'd definitely use creamy in this recipe). yeah, that's how i roll. hopefully not literally. i blame bad genes a lot, and sure, they're probably a factor. i'm the skinniest person in my family, after all, and no one has used that particular word to describe me since the ninth grade. but i hate myself a little more with every scrumptious bite.

       i'm starting to worry about my increasing tendency to fantasize. i'll often start with good intentions, thinking about how i want a particular scene to feel (i've been writing more), but then my mind will wander and i'll end up getting very little done. i seem to have the most success when i get out of the house and find a nice air-conditioned spot in town to sit and sip and saturate myself in these little worlds i'm trying to create, but doing that becomes a chore since the closest decent place i could go is a twenty minute drive one way so i usually try to make an afternoon of it and there's rarely time for that and while i'm there i have to write it all by hand anyway, which is slow going.... so most of the stuff i do is right here at home, later in the evening after my parents are asleep. and even still i can't focus. instead of creating these lives on paper i end up making up my own entirely fictitious life in my head. today, for example, 'he' came home from a long day at work and we just cuddled on the sofa and talked before deciding to order some chinese. i also had an interview with anderson cooper and a meeting with my editor who really liked the last chapter i submitted but thinks its starting to get a little too predictable.

       yeah, i'm one of those crazy writers. except i can't really be called a writer since i don't write, so i guess that just leaves the crazy part. once again, excellent boyfriend material.

       worked on the deck a little today. i don't remember if i've mentioned that before? we're building a pool deck. well, mostly it's my dad building the pool deck and i help out on occasion. mostly i've just been doing dirt work and measuring angles and cutting wood, but today i also did a little work on the short stone retaining wall going against the dirt that was dug out to level the area for the pool. yeah, it's not a cool in-ground one. just a big above-ground. i figured the wall would go up pretty quickly, but it ended up taking me a very frustrating hour to set four of the base stones, and it turned out i did them wrong anyway. i was under the impression that i was to level each stone with the stone preceding it, when actually i was supposed to level the stones with the deck piers that the wall runs around and between. which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. but whatevs.

       i know, completely pointless post. but when have i ever actually said something with my writing? sometimes it's just good to ramble on, though -- to get it out. yeah, don't worry, i'll never use this blog as part of a portfolio, no matter how desperate.

twenty-seven...

       it's official. i'm old. twenty-seven does seem a somewhat sexier number than twenty-six, though. it's a little more adult, somehow -- the age of having things figured out and being on the way to achieving dreams ...and such. and for some reason when i think of a twenty-seven year old guy "hotness" springs to mind. haha. ahem. well, i have successfully kick-started my old exercise program, at least. similar to the one i was using four years ago (geez) when i had abs like marky mark. well, maybe not quite that good. but not too far off. and i'm very close to breaking into the 150s again, which i haven't been in well, about 4 years. yes, i'm trying to get myself amped up and all optimistic about achieving goals. i feel kinda old, and the rogaine in my medicine cabinet doesn't help. it's called overcompensation. not quite mid-life crisis, but a little too old to be quarter-life. i did that one already with the whole gay thing. i'm not sure i want to know what the mid-life one's going to be like.

       my parents took me shopping for my birthday. i got a pair of shoes -- slip-ons, because i hate laces. went to three stores and none of them had the shoes i was looking for, but they had the same style in a different color so i settled for those. $50 as opposed to the $70 to get the others online. and i got... underwear. lol. i needed it, though. i'm experimenting with v-neck t-shirts because i think they're really hot. i guess the person wearing them kinda determines that, but hey -- i can pretend. at least i'm not a 300-pound girl wearing a mini-skirt and a tube top. that image was meant to distract from the one of me in a v-neck. hope it worked. but they're giving me the rest of my gift in cash because i'm a poor, jobless twenty-seven year old living with his parents. excellent boyfriend material.

       have to get up early tomorrow morning. 6am. haven't been up that early since the strawberry-dunking loneliness-inducing hell week commonly referred to as valentine's day. but i'm going to the doctor. and i'm excited. what i thought last week was fluke allergies has turned out to be a full-blown uber-nasty eye infection from hell. any contributing member of society would have had it taken care of by now, but since i'm the afore-mentioned jobless (and thus insurance-less) twenty-seven year old living with his parents i had to wait for an appointment at a clinic in lexington (30 miles away) that charges on a sliding scale and will thus treat me, drugs included (i think/hope), for a grand total of ten dollars. thus far my eye hasn't fallen out or anything, to the disappointment of a few friends who keep mentioning something about an eye-patch and "arrrgh." which, i admit, is a titillating thought. especially if i was wearing a v-neck t-shirt and i got that ear-piercing that i've been coveting.

       it's been a good day, though. tomorrow we're celebrating with my bro and his wifey at the cheesecake factory, which is always fun. what was that about a 300-pound girl? i meant me, not the wifey. and if the eye is any better i may drag a certain boy to a certain dance club on saturday. i've had britney spears and celine dion in my head all day. it's time.

       also time for bed. but how are all of you? big plans for the weekend?

       laters.

       <edit> oh! i almost forgot! netflix gave me an awesome bday present today with the release of their iphone app! so now i can watch streaming videos on my iphone! woohoo! seriously, it rocks. now google just needs to release an editable version of google docs for iphone and my life will be complete. </edit>

expecto... oh, f*ck it...

       i must have been blogged out after that 30-day 60-day challenge thingy. it's been a while. i've been falling apart a little bit, so i'll just say that i've been sparing you. yes, you're welcome. i did do a few of those stutter-blog things where i write a post and end up deleting it. you should have read last night's. lol. ooh, that one was interesting. against my better judgment i've been watching some romance-themed things, so those left me hugging my pillows and despairing that the only green eyes i'll wake up to in the foreseeable future are those of my black and white domestic medium-hair cat. hey, at least somebody loves me.

       i turn twenty-seven on thursday. not with a bang but a whimper. dunno. not terribly excited about it. my mom keeps asking me what i want to do and i'm starting to get a little grumpy about it. i don't really care. all i want is something to be excited about. not for my birthday, but for my life. yeah. just where i am right now. weird places.

       in other news, i've run out of things to write about for examiner. haha. the target thing is petering out and i'm so freaking tired of writing about target anyway. but they gave me something to write about. so now i'm kinda stuck...

       oh, and i'm totally giving up on men. again.

       hm. i'm gonna go read. my books are my friends.

wikicrastination, the examiner, and kittens...

       i was reading an article on the frontpage earlier about triceratops, about how they didn't exist. that led me to wikipedia. from there i went to the brontosaurus, which also didn't exist, then to dinosaurs in general, then to the extinctions, then i was curious about the timing of it all so i went to the article on earth, and from there to the universe. i love wikipedia. but because of those last two articles i was left feeling very small and fleeting, and it made me want to be immortal so i could see all the things that were and that will be. especially the star trek kinda stuff. that would be fun. i'll be so disappointed in humanity if we never get to that point. but it made me think about my own life. i've been doing that more -- it's kinda weird. my brother and his family (wife and in-laws) are here, downstairs chatting away (i'm being anti-social), and i heard his father in law talking about how he's worked for the usps for over twenty years and how he has about fifteen more before he retires. i dunno. just makes me think about how much i want to accomplish and how time keeps on slipping (slippin' slippin' into the future) by. it's not fear, but it is scary.

       so week one on examiner.com is over. it's not difficult at all, but it takes time (mostly because i get distracted quite easily). seven articles in seven days, with just under 1,500 page views thanks to people here as well as marketing on a few other social networking sites (facebook, twitter, reddit). had a random spike of visitors on thursday that put me in the number one examiner spot for the city for the day and #5 overall in the city for the week. and i earned about $15 for it. haha. but i had absolutely no writing resume before this, so it'll help things along. i hope. and, hey, it's an extra $60 a month if things stay on track. woohoo!

       my cousin amber was here this weekend, too. she took me to a better than ezra concert downtown. she's been to about 40-some now. she's a big fan. this was my third, all with her, but it was widely agreed to be the best. we got to hang out with the rouge, one of the opening bands, after the show. we went to get copies of their cd and amber bought the last, just in front of me. i was sad because i was in love (check out the lead singer on my facebook under mobile uploads -- so hot) and they had amazing music. so the guy whips out his laptop and burned me a copy and had them all sign it. and he hugged me like three times and let me run my hands over him. it was nice. then they had to leave so we went back to better than ezra's bus and chatted up the band for a bit. i didn't know them, but the people i was with did. one guy had been to over 150 shows and another girl we were with was on her 50th. so the bte guys were showing us some videos of places they'd been and it was kinda cool. but the highlight for me was still that shirtless rouge guy. his stage presence was similar to freddie mercury. and he has an amazing voice. so check them out.

       i'll leave you with this:

judge walker delivers prop 8 decision...

       this is very exciting, folks. prop 8 has been overturned!

two birds, two stones, one post...

       wow. i've been busy the last few days. being a self-professed news whore is starting to pay off. a little. early in july i applied to be a freelance restaurant review writer for examiner.com. i knew from the start that it wasn't going to be a lucrative position by any means -- i wanted it for the exposure, the writing practice, the resume/portfolio boost, and whatever i could get financially. because right now all i have is plasma and random jobs for the 'rents. because i'm awesome like that. i may have talked about this before? but anyway, they wanted me to be their "glbt business examiner" instead (i know, it should be lgbtq, but i don't have enough clout to change my title yet), so after more samples were sent they said i was a "go." little did i know how much work i'd be putting into it for so very, very little pay, lol. and i've only published two articles so far (just submitted the second one tonight). but i like it. it's getting me writing again, even if it's not my desired style of writing -- it's still writing. sort of. but the research is fun. and it will look good for my real job applications, especially if i do well.

       i'm paid a paltry flat rate by the article, but i'm also paid a commission based on subscriptions, page views, session length, and advertiser interest. so click here and check it out. pretty please? thanks. love you. yes, you. mhm.

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featured grownups. first august topic. if you could live in any book world, which one would it be?

<nerd>

       middle earth. post sauron, of course. or pre. just not during any of that war crap because that wouldn't be fun. i'm slightly torn between the shire and rivendell and lothlorien. the shire would be nice on vacations, though, a place to kick back in the country and have a pint. and lothlorien would be freakin' gorgeous, but i'd be afraid to fall out of the trees while sleeping unless they had something similar to those vine/bed/thingies in avatar. so it'd probably be rivendell. it's perpetually autumn there anyway, which is my favorite season. and it's homey while still technologically advanced. and i love wood and stone work and water features. yes, probably rivendell. i'm sure the elves are very progressive. and it's closer to the shire when i feel like kicking back and having a pint. which sounds really good right now.

</nerd>

       oh, and don't forget to click here and read my articles and subscribe and be nice to me. =)

the death of the american dream...

       i've always been something of a news junkie. online journalism is far more appealing than broadcast (i find the latter more ego-centric and entertainment driven), but i've become even more so with my new phone. i have applications from nine different news sources (well, eight, really -- the onion is the ninth) including the advocate, bbc news, fox news, the huffington post, npr news, the new york times, newsy.com, and usa today, and i access all of them regularly. i love it. especially newsy, because they draw from all of the other sources and keep things relatively more neutral. which, now that i think of it, is amusing that there can be varying degrees of neutrality. anywho.

       anyway, i was reading usa today and stumbled on this article that cites a study of 300 million tweets and concludes that people are happiest on sunday mornings and saddest around thursday nights. it makes sense, after all. on sunday morning people have had some time to relax after the M-F 9-5, and they still have all day sunday in front of them, while on thursday they're already worn out from the week and they still have to go to work the next day. but how sad is that!? this article grabbed my attention because that's always been something i've wanted to avoid in my life -- the daily grind. the slog. because isn't it basically just the death of dreams?

       i've never been a big proponent of the american dream. white picket fence and 2.5 kids and church on sundays and thinly veiled alcoholism supported by a job as an insurance salesmen finding ways to scare people into giving you money and then dodging them when they need a little of it back. not to dog on insurance people -- just the first thing that popped into mind. but you all remember the movie "the incredibles" where the dad did just that... boring claims person, back and forth to work every day, no excitement, when he had all of this potential inside him. why can't people be proud of the superheroes they are?

       so what happened to us? how did we get stuck in this rut?

       i blame the capitalists.

       seriously, though. what do you think? or is everything fine the way it is?

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day thirty. share what you have learned, if anything, about yourself over the last thirty days.

       welp, finally done. and it only took me two months. ha. i think i even predicted as much. what did i learn? um... lol. not much. got me posting a bit more, though, so that's good. but now i'm gonna go swimming. laters!

bit rambly, not much going on...

       wow. it's been a while. for a few things, but we'll not get into that. not too much to report, really. went to the dentist last wednesday and my dentist still calls me his most boring patient ever (never had a cavity or braces or such things). and that was the first time i've been in 3 years. umm... what else... got an email from the freelance peeps i've been trying to get on board with doing local restaurant reviews. they said they were impressed with my writing and would like me to head up the section on lgbt business and news instead. so that's cool. it's not finalized -- they wanted more writing samples that would be relevant, so i've been working on that. need to get on that, actually. my cousin came to visit last weekend and we went downtown. my first time to westport since i've been back. good times. and i've been chatting up several applicants for new friend positions that desperately need to be filled. met one today (didn't go so hot). meeting another tomorrow (fingers crossed). my parents got a pool. it's currently being filled. looking forward to that. oh, and for the first time in nearly a decade i had a successful long-hand writing attempt while sitting in the mcdonalds on 291 and 24 in independence. i was in need of some coffee/wi-fi/writing therapy after the not so hot friend meeting today. got a solid page out.

       i miss my friends in columbia. one of those is moving soon, a little closer, temporarily, then far far away eventually, to new york city where he'll become great, i'm sure. hopefully we'll get a chance or two to hang out before that happens. i'm going to visit some of the others in mid-august, so i'm really looking forward to that. and i'm starting to ramble. i should go get some things done. how are all y'all doing?

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day twenty-nine. hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days.

       not sure. everything's been shuffled lately, so i've been trying to figure that out, too, but at the same time i've been somewhat overwhelmed by the need to figure things out. i'd like to get a good job. i never really thought i'd say that. i've been hoping for so long that i'd finally finish the next great american novel and be able to support myself while working on the next great after that, but i haven't been doing very well with that. so i need a job. and an apartment. i'd really like a place in midtown, i think. they have some nice apartments there. i still don't really want to end up in kc, but right now i don't have too many options, and kc's really not that bad a city. and i need a boyfriend. working on that one. and i'd like to lose another 15 pounds or so. and i need to write. then i'll worry about what comes after that.

caution: wet floor...

       my long-time readers probably won't remember the incident several years ago when i passed out after giving plasma. it was mildly entertaining. i had been fine during the donation, but it was later, as i was leaving, that i noticed my arm had been improperly bandaged and that i was bleeding again. i had asked for help and someone changed the bandage, and just as she was finishing i woke up on the floor. well... it happened again yesterday. this time she had even walked away when i started feeling woozy. i really don't like the sight of blood gushing out of me without the tubes and machines attached to give it back. but i crouched on the ground and put my head between my knees because i knew i was going. a couple female employees asked me if i was ok and told me to get up and sit on one of the beds. when i said that i just needed to breathe, they came to me and tried to help me up. then i woke up on the floor. apparently there was another guy who had come up to help and it was his arms that i passed out in. he was pretty cute, too. anyway, this episode was particularly embarrassing because when i realized that i was bleeding i was on my way to the bathroom because i really had to pee. and when i woke up i didn't have to anymore. yeah...

       probably one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. especially because they were pretty busy and there were all sorts of people around. but one kind employee threw her lab coat over me so that it just looked like they were keeping me warm. and they gave me a pair of scrubs to wear home. except they only had one pair of spare scrubs and they were 2XLs. now i was very happy for them, but i have a 30-inch waist and they gave me a pair of pants that would fit an individual with a 56-inch waist. so i got to say cool things like "it's hammer time!" as i was driving home. it's ok, you can laugh. i am.

       i think i'm going to go see a movie tonight. i really need to get out of the house. someone want to come with me? please?

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day twenty-eight. say something to your fifteen year old self.

       garret already said it to his fifteen year old self, but i had thought of it before he posted his (i swear!). because if there was anything i needed to hear it was this: you're gay. get over it. enjoy it. spare yourself the heartache and insanity.

what the funk...

       i'm kind of in a blogging funk. i was writing the next challenge, though, and i was here, so i figured i should take the opportunity.

       got my new phone. i've been playing with it way too much. i really like it. and it doesn't push random buttons or call people when i don't want it to. it's way too easy to turn off the alarm, though. my blackberry had a relentless alarm. and the only other thing i miss is the blinking red light that tells me i have a new message and which doesn't go away until i give it some attention. but it's cool. way too easy to push the little "buy now" button on the apps, though. some are pretty nifty, though. i got one that tells you when you can run to go pee in the middle of a movie, how much time you have, and it tells you what you missed while you were gone. =P

       i've been slowly getting back on the work-out wagon since falling off after the move. only a few trips to the trail (i really miss the mkt -- lots more people and water fountains and so much shade), but i've been jogging some on my parents' treadmill (still not nearly as much) and lifting perhaps a little more than i was before. so... yeah. hopefully i won't balloon up.

       i've been going crazy the last few days. nothing major -- just a slow descent into the depths of shame and torment and loneliness. i really miss my friends. and no luck in the new friends dept. but i made a cake today and that helped. white with raspberry filling and white frosting. mmm.

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day twenty-seven. the last thing that made you cry.

       a boy. of course.