so it wasn't goodby after all. haha. i knew i couldn't really stay away from here. missed my xanga b-day, though... 4 years. lol. wait... 5? i don't remember. wow. lots of ups and downs since, but what else is new? who could have guessed that figuring things out was such a process, though? wish i could say that i've made some progress. heck, i wish i could say i've even gone a step in the right direction. haven't a clue what that is anymore... thought i did, but... we'll see. i guess i still know what i want, but dreaming feels pretty foolish anymore. what do you guys think? is it ridiculous to hold on to dreams? when is the right time to put them away?
winter break has come far too quickly, and people are filtering out of the house. well, more like wrestling for a place in line to get out the door. a month alone. i'm sure it'll go faster than i expect, and while i'll probably enjoy the quiet for a while, it does tend to get a little oppressive. i have things to keep me busy, though--i plan to finally finish this last class so i can get a job that pays a bit more than minimum wage; i also bought myself a piano book for christmas, music from the film score to "the hours" by philip glass. didn't really care for the movie, but it's probably my favorite soundtrack ever. super-awesome piano and strings. listen to it after a really long day and i promise you'll feel better. i still have a lot of books on the reading list. finished the third musashi this week--that series is quickly becoming a new favorite, thanks to david--and i've since picked up george orwell's "1984" because i'm tired of people saying, "you're an english major and you haven't read '1984'!?" fyi: we may be geniuses, but we don't have all the answers, and neither have we read every book that was ever printed. it's difficult enough to read our own material sometimes. i'm also going home for christmas. i was informed at thanksgiving that that trip was my second trip home this year. this will be my third and final. pretty sad, seeing how i'm two hours from home. should be a good christmas, though. anyway, the break is also bringing some changes. new house director at the l-house. i have an idea who it will be, but i'm not sure yet. hopefully the transition will be smooth. i have to admit, it's very nice to see that it's remaining open, at least for a little while. i'd like to think that my efforts had something to do with that, but i don't know. i was just a pebble in the lake.
new song up. my favorite muse song, "butterflies and hurricanes." currently learning it on piano, which is definitely stretching my musical muscles. that rachmaninoff-esque piano solo in the middle is quite the doozy. all those arpeggios are pretty difficult to master, but i'm getting closer. i wish i could say i've been practicing guitar or even violin, but i haven't. the piano is my old crutch, i guess. i really don't know what i'd do without one, or at least one with easy access. but after 20 years of playing (20 years! it feels so strange to say i've been doing anything for 20 years!) i can sit down and not worry too much about where my fingers go. i have more confidence behind a keyboard. haha. both types. which brings me to something else i haven't been doing--writing. the most writing i've been doing is only in emails or on g-chat. that's something else i should do over the break... i've had a new story in mind for a while, but right now it's still a bunch of loose threads that don't quite match up. too much of a perfectionist and lacking too much confidence there, i'm afraid.
still toeing the line between order and chaos, the light and the dark side, if you will. interesting, in a nerdy sorta way, because i'm currently playing "the force unleashed" for wii and i have to make that decision soon. =) i think i'll be good for the game (at least to start--i'll probably go back and try it the other way, too), but for life? heh. feeling a little like harry in order of the phoenix right now. yes, i identify with a fifteen year-old. a bit late, eh? really wondering what side i'll end up on, though....
my path to the dark side has begun, though... wednesday evening, after sending ryan back to oklahoma, jordan and i decided to take a walk to wal-mart for a few random items. she and i have been trying lately to increase the calorie deficit. we've been mildly successful in carrying out our plans. but we decided to walk the appx. 4-mile (round-trip) through the snow and sub-freezing temperatures to get--chocolate and marhsmallows. the plan needs a little work, i know, but to be fair the chocolate wasn't all for us. anyway, we realized when we'd finished our shopping that we'd purchased too much stuff and that even if we had the energy to carry them, the bags probably wouldn't make it. so... we stole a shopping cart. and we pushed it home. through the snow. and as we were pushing the chocolate-laden cart up one of the snow and ice-covered hills, i remembered from my many years of pushing carts at hy-vee one of the design flaws with which shopping carts are cursed--they don't go through snow very well. yes, it would have been much easier to carry the bags, but instead we decided to carry a shopping cart. so if you happened to be driving down broadway somewhere around 8pm wednesday and saw two bums trying to carry a shopping cart up a hill, i hope you didn't feel too sorry for them--it was just us. it did wear me out, though. and i don't remember the last time i laughed that hard...
mmm.... the long week is over. and what a week it was.... oy. just thinking about it hurts. but i got my paycheck, got my starbucks, and now i'm ready to melt into a quiet friday evening with mr. glass. no work next week and i couldn't be more excited for that. i've really enjoyed the snow, even though it all disappeared with the rain last night. kinda glad, though, because my shoes were getting really salty. the wal-mart run didn't help that, though. gotta watch out for the kicks. well, i'll probably be around to wish you all a merry christmas, but i'll do it early anyway. may you not procrastinate, but if you do may the lines part to let you through. may you find joy in hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. and may you be with the ones you love.... even if only in your heart. i love you guys... take care.
"don't let yourself down, don't let yourself go--your last chance has arrived. best, you've got to be the best--you've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard..."