thinking about baseball...

       wow, i'm tired. not a bad kind of tired -- just the "i really should have gone to bed earlier" kind. but i went to see "unstoppable" with my dad last night, which is possibly the first time i've been to a movie alone with my father, now that i think of it. i wasn't terribly excited about the movie, but it turned out to be quite good. well told and fairly suspenseful. i wouldn't buy it, though. after you know what happens it's like... ok, i'm good now. then when i got home i realized i had a true blood disc waiting for me and i wanted to mail it off today so of course i had to watch that too. it wasn't that late by the time i went to bed, but i had to get up for work this morning. and as a result you get a whole paragraph on why i'm tired.

       sitting in starbucks now, sipping my grande half caff nonfat no whip white mocha, hoping it will wake me up enough to get some writing done, but i'm beginning to doubt. just not feeling sharp enough. maybe i'll have a nap later then try again tonight. yeah, this book will never be finished. wow, eddie izzard just walked in. seriously, he looks just like him. and finn's here, of course. i don't know if i've mentioned him here before, perhaps in a pulse, but there's a barista that looks just like finn from glee. makes for an enjoyable coffee experience when i'm surrounded by my celebrities and rambling in another pointless xanga post. almost even makes me feel like a real writer.

       i wonder if there's anything interesting i can say. can't really think of anything. nothing new happening. i'm getting quite bored, actually. i haven't been out properly since my date with mark a week before halloween. oh, no, ryan was up from columbia last weekend and we walked around the mall a bit then went to krispy kreme. first time i'd been there since i've been back. really good, of course, but now i can't go for another five years. so not good for me. ...not like starbucks. it was really good to see him, though. kinda felt like i had friends again. it's fun to watch him squirm at my sordid tales.

       still trying to keep up hope. increasingly difficult, that. it's a slow leak, though -- just a trickle. the computer helped, strangely. it's a lot of fun. but the season is a bittersweet thing. i've always loved christmas and haven't had a proper one in a while. last year i was an emotional mess with coming out to my family (a year already!). the year before was an emotional mess with starting to come out period. now that my mind is free to wander a bit it isn't my sexuality but my singularity to which my thoughts return. what, like there's something to think about other than myself? it really sucks being a fifth wheel in my family, though. and i miss cuddling. i'm just ready to be there. if "settled down" isn't the right phrase it's awfully close. my dreams are simple enough. just damn near impossible.

       randomness ensues.

       i bought another month at match.com. haha. someone sent me an email about a month ago and it's been hounding me since to subscribe to be able to read it. i've done a month here and there, maybe two or three in the last year and a half. received a text this morning that i had another email, though, so i broke down. turns out both were from the same guy, if you can call him that. i'm skeptical of his humanity. no picture, bad english, and almost the exact text in both. now i feel obligated to say that people who speak imperfect english and opt to remain anonymous are not necessarily inhuman. or so i'm told. but i was disheartened. and remain frustrated that the people i'm attracted to are usually not the ones attracted to me, and the ones that are attracted to me are not the ones i'm attracted to. *sigh* so just to contradict everything i've been talking about here, i'm not sure if i'd be ready for a relationship anyway. so there.

       i was closing the other night. thursday. it was a slow night and i was leaning against the rear counter of customer service, watching the front end (more entertaining than you'd expect) and letting my mind wander, when santa claus caught my eye, walked over, and told me to smile. it was weird. he was wearing denim overalls and a white t-shirt, but he was the best damn santa i've ever seen. he told me that it was the christmas season, that it was magical, and that there was no reason not to smile. and it was rather magical. i wasn't frowning on purpose. just thinking. but he made me laugh.

       there's this guy that i've seen here in starbucks several times. at first we'd catch each other looking at the other. finally he approached a few weeks ago and we exchanged pleasantries. no, not like that. we both recognized each other from the church days. bumped into him again tonight and we ended up talking for about an hour about nothing in particular, him neglecting his studying, me my rambly xanga post. i'm not really tired anymore, so now i can write, but i was made acutely aware how much more socially awkward i've become this summer. i tend to withdraw, my world becomes internal, three-quarters fantasy and one-quarter automated. i forget how to speak, and my tongue trips on itself more often. i like my fantasy world, though. it's kinda like "the girl who loved tom gordon." i have my own tom gordon. no, it's not actually tom gordon. i won't tell you who my tom gordon is. but he keeps me alive.

       k, now to write.