at least i won't have to work tomorrow...

       send happy thoughts. please. i was in a bad car accident on the way home from work tonight. head on. i'm ok. i think. but i'm really sore. i feel like a big bruise. my car is dead, though. i'm sure it'll be totaled. good ol' daisy. just had the oil changed too. synthetic. great gas mileage. $30 to fill up the tank, once a week, and it's just shy of 30 miles one way to work. i don't really remember the accident very well. i was turning left and i thought i had a green arrow. i was just following the guy in front of me. then all of a sudden i was being plowed across the highway. apparently it wasn't an arrow. i was about 20 minutes from raleigh, but a friend came and brought me home. took some ibuprofen. took a hot bath. about to go to bed. tomorrow the insurance adjustor will call to tell me how much shit i'm in. after a bath and a shower (i washed my hair twice) i can still smell that nasty airbag smell and it's making me sick. i want to go to sleep and dream about being someone else.

       when the cop asked me if i had someone to call to come get me i almost started crying. all the people i could think of were thousands of miles away. it was a little awkward with the friend who came. i wasn't sure that i could ask him for that favor.

       i want to go home. but i don't know where that is.

momma said...

       days like this make me wonder what it's going to feel like when i'm actually old.

       that is all.

return of the citikitty...

       so today i've officially rebooted my toilet training attempts with hermes after the unexpected move about a year and a half ago forced me to abandon them. over the last couple weeks i've been slowly getting him accustomed to the insert again, and today we finally moved it up to the big boy potty. it really is gross. i probably won't be able to have boys over for a while. but it's so going to be worth it to be litter-free. i really hate kitty litter.

       then yesterday i was at the (insanely crowded) post office mailing a package for a merchandise exchange (because all my christmas shopping was done weeks ago) and i overheard the lady behind me saying "i'd wear those pants, too, if i had a body like that." at least in my mind she was talking about me. i had just washed my jeans and they were particularly skin-tight. so that's fun.

       i got presents at work friday, so that made for a fun day. the doctors gave me a bottle of wine, which i thought rather appropriate. and we had a secret santa gift exchange and my santa (who knows me too well) got me an amazon.com card, chocolate, and some wicked recipes i'm excited to try out. then when i got home there was a package waiting from dan. he gave me "plato's symposium" -- in greek. haha. so i'd better get on with those greek lessons. :) i'm 'cited.

       uuummmm. not much else to report. recently finished the book "wicked" and have added "the help" to my currently reading pile. really loved "wicked," and yes i know i'm about fifteen years behind. but i get tired of stories where it's all so black and white. granted, there was a polarity in the novel, but it was unexpected and still left some things blurry. oh, and the roommate went home today, so it will be nice to have the place to myself for a bit. i think. at any rate it's 5pm and i'm still in my underwear. so that's fun.

don't panic!

       hello. yes, i'm still alive. technically.

       not much to update. i've been scaling back on the dating thing. if you can call it dating. i've been seeing one guy for not quite a month now. but it's too soon to talk about it. haven't been writing, really. a little brainstorming here and there. but my heart isn't in it. my solace has been the gym, when i go. the mindless pounding, physical exertion. i don't really feel like i'm getting anywhere, but it wears me out and it makes me feel like i'm doing something.

       i've been shopping a lot. ha. they raised my credit limit. (eek!). my boss said that for every two presents you buy other people you're supposed to buy one for yourself, but i think i've been doing it the other way around. i'm reacting strangely to christmas this year. it's the first one ever that i won't be home for. in fact i'll be the only one here. so... yeah. half of me wants to pretend it's just another day, keep moving, nothing to see here. the other half loves the season and wants to jump in head first. so i'm kinda flopping all over the place instead.

       i keep meaning to live and i keep getting sidetracked. can't really remember what i was doing, though.

writing myself to sleep...

       i wrote my therapist the other night and cancelled our appointments for the rest of the year. i can't afford them. and it feels like the rest of the world's so fucked up it doesn't really matter if i am too. at least now i'll get to buy people christmas presents so they'll know that i'm thinking of them and then they'll like me. i have no idea what to get anyone yet. if you don't get one it's probably because i couldn't find one perfect enough. i'm going to try to start again after the new year.

       i just watched the chumscrubber. very interesting movie. i can't decide whether it's a new favorite. it might be. then i stumbled on jay brannan's cover of "someone like you." that's when i decided to write a xanga post.

       i finished a story last week. dan made me. kinda not really. i had been working on it and he asked for one so i just sped it up a bit. i sent it to him a week ago now and i still haven't heard his response and i'm going a little crazy. great job, dan. make the crazy person even more crazy. yes, i'm mostly joking. but not entirely. i think i'm about to delete the story and pretend i never wrote it.

       the last three nights i've had the best sleep since i've been in raleigh. i've been slightly ill for the last month or so, and it kinda came to a climax this last week. i'm fine during the day, but for some reason when i try to sleep i start trying to cough up my testicles. so i took some nyquil. uh-maze-ing. i may or may not need it tonight, but i'm planning on taking it anyway. i really miss sleep. it has even made work a little more bearable. but not quite.

       well, until today when i found out that i didn't make the cut for either the bonus or the "wage adjustment." it's not a raise because apparently i got a job at a place that's on a pay freeze. no, no one told me this when i was hired. they're just giving people who have been there since january a small percentage increase in salary to compensate for inflation. just another nail in the coffin of that job. and another excuse for me to say "fuck my life."  

       my shoulder really hurts. mandatory flu shot. and i'm breaking out. i think i'm pms-ing.

       the medicine's starting to kick in. bed time. nighty night.

(r)evolution???

       i woke up to people running down the dorm hallways, then someone knocked on my door. they asked me to turn on my tv. i saw the second plane hit live. in a daze i went to my first class and it was the only thing people were talking about. i knew what had happened, but i still asked. it didn't feel real. a few of the others hadn't heard yet and voiced their confusion with mine. the teacher dismissed the class early, the rest of the classes were canceled for the day. i sat huddled with strangers, new friends that i had met only a few weeks before, staring at the television, watching the planes fly into the towers over and over again. then they cut to them as they crumbled, as people ran from the dust clouds. we sat silent, occasionally paralyzed by fear or shock or anger. when the conversation started, it was of war, and suddenly my fear wasn't for the people in the towers -- it was that i had just turned 18 and was now eligible for the draft. i wasn't a very warlike individual.

       my friend dan wrote an excellent post today. you should go read his because he's always been better with words and ideas than me. i wish i shared his optimism about our country catching up, though. yesterday, on npr, i heard an author talking about how he thinks we've gone in exactly the wrong direction. in some ways we've changed for the better. (i got an email this morning from a meetup.com co-founder about how 9/11 was part of the impetus for creating a site that would organize people to meet up in person and create a community, much like the little communities that were formed and bonds that were made when people were forced to come out of their apartments and help their neighbors ten years ago.) but we're a mess. economically, socially. the emergence and especially the continuation of the tea party is to me very alarming. people are scared, panicked by change. we took risks. they were bad ones. the world is still trying not to collapse.

       only on the precipice do we evolve. i've written about that line before. when looking for that link i was surprised that it was only last october when i wrote that. it seems like it could have been as long ago as the attacks. just looking back at that old post has changed my mind about this one a little. it's not optimism so much, but a small hope at least. i've been talking about hope with my therapist. i've been losing mine lately. again. for me it's become very difficult to tell the difference between hope and delusion. i, like the rest of the world, have been very close to the edge. i hope we'll be able to see it as an opportunity. i've been fighting, though. still not warlike, no. or at least not in that sense. but something has changed. i've signed those petitions just like dan. i've been trying to stay better informed. internally, too, i'm fighting. i'm getting help. maybe this time..... who knows? i'm slightly terrified to see where we'll be in another ten years. but there's some hope there, too, if only because there always is.

       where were you?

a natural disaster...

       a lot has been happening, yes, but i just haven't had all that much to say. not a lot has changed in my emotional state since my last post of early july, which was quickly set to private, but i suppose there have been some moves to make changes. i guess we'll see if anything happens there. otherwise i've been trying to meet people, which is exhausting. i have a feeling many of them will turn out to be single-serving friends. and many of my old friends seem to be... moving on. aided, i'm sure, by my stellar communication skills. meantime i've discovered that i don't have to be alone if i don't want to be. but in the end i usually wind up feeling more so. like tonight. the more people i meet the more convinced i become that i will end up alone. and my proclivity for ice cream sandwiches when in such a mood just about guarantees that. at least hermes loves me still.

       i got to play piano a bit for the first time since being here. i was at a small party of sorts with some new friends and someone blabbed to the host couple that i played. so they made me sit and play. i was pretty drunk by that point and couldn't remember half of the notes, but it still felt good. i miss it terribly. also went to a club for the first time since being here, later that night. hadn't planned on going but one of the guys wanted to go out and he needed a chaperone. i reluctantly agreed. it was all right, but it kinda heightened my loneliness for some reason.

       oh, and for my birthday we had an earthquake and a hurricane. both were underwhelming.

       k, i'm going back to my reading now.

some with a flattering word...

       so this is the first time since being in north carolina that i'm sitting down properly to write. and of course i have to write a xanga post first. my roommate is having someone over, so i'm sitting in a starbucks a couple miles down the road from my apartment and there's a small group of young, rather loud and obnoxious college guys that are kind of annoying me. i think one is a 'mo, but he's far too young for me. i want them to leave.

       lessee... updates. yeah, not much. with work and (barely) keeping up at the gym i don't have a lot of time to do much else. or money. i was kind of spoiled while living with the 'rents. things are much cheaper there. and they take a shit-ton out in taxes. i'm just barely squeaking by. i don't like the feeling. i'm hardly saving anything. the shopping spree at express in the first few weeks of being here didn't help. but i needed clothes to wear to work!

       as far as the gym goes, i've only recently bumped it up to the four times a week that i was maintaining in kc. i was spoiled there, too, having the gym so close to work. it's still kind of on the way home, but it's a little bit of a detour that's easy to bypass. and work drains me. i'm making progress, though. i sent a friend from kc a picture and he said so straight away. so that's good.

       dating in the south is not going well. i've met a lot of guys here, but only two of those were out. one was from new york city and i wasn't really interested, the other is my boss's boss's boss. yeah. two. gay rights here is about a decade behind the rest of the world. at least. everyone is deeply religious and really messed up. kinda like i was. no thanks. oh, wait, no, there was another one. but he was way too young and i wasn't interested either. fortunately many of the guys here aren't actually from here. i don't really like the north carolina accent. it's somewhat endearing on the women, but there was only one guy that i found it attractive on. he was a patient at the clinic and lives about an hour away. and i couldn't tell if he was flirting or just being friendly. i'm kind of in a phase where i don't really want to date anyone right now, though, so maybe i'll actually get some writing done. ha. we'll see how far that goes.

       north carolina drivers suck, too. definitely in the bad way. no one quite understands the purpose of a passing lane. and they drive like old people. and they like to look where they're going after they're already merging or changing lanes. there is always at least one accident on the highway every day, and traffic gets backed up for decades. and their dmv is a nightmare. i mentioned getting my license, but i still haven't had a chance to get my car registered and licensed yet. i have to have it registered before i can even get it inspected. so i have to make three separate trips to the nightmare dmv instead of the one stop shop that i was used to in missouri. and i haven't been able to get a day off work to do anything and of course they aren't open on any saturdays. i couldn't even get the harry potter premier off. and i might not be able to get my birthday. oh, i'm still going to the movie at midnight. i haven't missed any of them and i'm not about to miss the last. i'll only have two hours of sleep that night, but it'll so be worth it.

       no, i don't plan to be here long. i'm already planning my escape. it involves getting rich through my writing so i can afford to gtfo. i'll go to edinburgh and meet some tall, muscly scotsman and we'll get married and live happily ever after.

       oh yeah, and i'm kinda giving up on the whole writing thing.

       i dream too much.

regress report...

       i think i'm having a mini existential crisis. it's nothing so grand that would necessitate a quote from hamlet, but i'm still wondering what the hell i'm doing here.

       there's a scottish guy on grindr that i tried talking to once in hopes of marriage and instant permanent work visa acceptance. he responded once, but didn't respond to my followup because i really can bore people that fast, apparently. he's quite attractive, too, and i haven't even heard him speak yet, which is probably for the best because then i'd be a basket case and it'd take me years to get over him. which isn't much of an exaggeration. i'm still trying to get over the last one, and things are only working in the wrong direction as far as that goes.

       i was looking through some of kweeny's older challenges, since she just posted another (and about frickin' time), and i remembered the new year's challenge to come up with some resolutions and i thought i'd give you a mid-year progress(?) report. told you i was boring. my original post here.

1. body. working on it. i seem to be hovering in the lower 160s, but since my goal weight, according to my erstwhile trainer, is about 170 i'm not that worried. i've been going about three times a week and i'd like to add another day soon. time doesn't seem to be slipping away as quickly as it did at first, so i think i can manage it. i've also been venturing more into the world of free-weights, which i hate, but it's what you're supposed to do. progress is slow, but there has been enough to keep me from being entirely frustrated.
2. write more. completely failing on this one. this is contributing significantly to that crisis mentioned previously. 
3. chillax about getting older. i'm not as worried as i was when i wrote that. related worries seem to be taking the place of it, though. like being fugly and dying alone.
   
4. move out before my twenty-eighth birthday. check.
5. i really need to be better with money, too. well, i've had one paycheck over the last month and have paid two months of rent and other living expenses and have gone out a lot. my credit card is almost maxed out and i have twenty dollars to last me till wednesday. so right now it doesn't look so hot. but my paychecks have doubled in size and now that those are coming regularly i'm not worried. well i am until wednesday, but i won't be after that.
6. boyfriend. ugh. don't ask. see paragraph two and item three. and i learned today that both a friend (also an ex) is moving in with his boyfriend and that the first guy i dated here in raleigh is, according to facebook, in a relationship.
   
7. get out more. since moving to raleigh, i have. week before last i was out every night. but yesterday and today i haven't left the house, sooo... mixed response, i guess. getting better, though.
8. read more. i have been. last saturday i sat down and read "peter" by alice walker in its entirety. loved it. today i started manuel puig's "kiss of the spider woman," which i'm enjoying quite a lot, but i'm taking my time on it. during the week i've been reading harry potter (currently on the third) on my lunch breaks via kindle. yeah, they're pirated copies but i'm on my second physical copies of the first three because i read them to tatters so i don't feel bad.
   
9. go to bed earlier. check. i get up at 5:30 every morning, so i've had to out of necessity. still not getting enough sleep, though. i've been napping a lot lately.
10. travel. i moved half-way across the country, but somehow that doesn't quite feel like it counts. i need to visit some friends, though. and i still need to get a passport. once hot scottish guy realizes i can make things better than his mum's haggis i'll be needing it.
11. expand my horizons. hasn't really happened yet. well, ok, a recent experience might qualify, but it's not what i had in mind when i wrote that. no, i'm not telling.
12. piano more. very sadly, no. i don't have a piano anymore. i think i'm going to buy one soon. i neeeeed it.

 
       i feel like a little piggy. i've been sooo hungry, and i'm eating so much. i don't like it! ok, i'm boring myself. back to reading about other people's lives.

for serial...

 

       oh my god, i'm so bored. i've been here at work for about an hour now and so far all i've done is log into my computer. so i've been checking my email for the last hour. now i'm writing a xanga post. it's been a while.

 

       finally got my new north carolina driver's license. i'm official. my picture makes me look like a serial killer. i might attach it when i get home if i feel like it. it's a little scary.

 

       and i'm a little worried: the word "y'all" is trying to worm its way into my vocabulary. already. it hasn't even been a month yet. but i've noticed that people treat you better if you affect an accent.

 

       oh, and i've been on something like six dates since saturday. the seventh is tonight. i made lasagna. i'm excited.

 

       i think i like the new job, though. finally all trained up and system access granted. and i still like the people.

 

work...

       it's nearly 9 and i'm just getting home. it hasn't even been a week yet and i feel like my life is slipping away in the 8 to 5. well, more like the 6:50am to 6:10pm with drive and shuttle time. went to the gym afterwards tonight, hence the slightly later homecoming. but still. i don't want to get home this late every night. and i really need to get to the gym. i's fats. but now i have to go to bed in about 2.5 hours.

       i'm hoping it'll be something i adjust to. because right now i feel like i'm going to go crazy. i don't want work to be my life. well, at least not this work. and the other kind... well, that's going nowhere.

        on the plus side there's a really hot tech in my office. he looks like a taller, bigger (really muscled), and completely bald version of chord overstreet. i try not to stare. and now that i think of it, it's probably not on the plus side after all.

craziness...

       ho. ly. crap. i just had my ass thrashed by a really sexy red head. and i mean in the good way. no, not that good. get your mind out of the gutter. it was my first personal training session ever. didn't really know what to expect, but i tried to be all tough and manly in hopes of not looking like a complete fool, but of course he saw through it. he was intense and energetic and he got me to do things for him that i wouldn't even do to myself. felt like he squeezed it all into about fifteen minutes, but it was definitely the fastest hour ever. and despite barely being able to complete the exercises he had me do (and we only used weights once the entire time)... i had fun. and i can do it all again for the low low price of $99/session. he probably is worth it, though. it's cheaper for a group, if i want to make a fool of myself in front of a few other people besides him. but he gave me some pretty solid advice. even did a basic body composition test with a computer. like i really needed that. he had me lift up my shirt in public(!!!) so he could pinch my fat. but he didn't ask, he told me to do it. haha. so i did. oh lordy. i have a long way to go. but one thing that was really helpful was that he was my size. well, except buff and with abs. he asked me what my goals were and i said, "well, about like you." muscular, but not too big, and lean. at the end he sat me down and said that 80% of what i need to do is nutrition. i have to lose about 16 pounds of nastiness, but ultimately gain an additional 7 pounds on top of my current weight. and that i had to stick to the free weights. grrrr.

       i'm having an apple dusted with ginger and smeared with peanut butter (cottage cheese on the side) for supper, in his honor (get it? ginger!?).

       oh yeah, and i got to go to my office today. i'll just be doing a lot of computer training for about the next week (and this before the real training begins). but i think i'm going to like it. the people seem really fun. i did feel a little hopelessly like the new guy. but i am. and i won't be forever. definitely overwhelmed right now, though. and i hurt, not only from the workout, but from the myriad of immunizations i had to get this morning. ouch. they turned my shoulders into mush, which didn't help with the workout, i'm sure. but ryan (trainer) still showed no mercy. yes, i told him.

       so much to do. i feel like i haven't had time to sit and breathe in ages, even though i'm kinda doing it right now. just so much to do. and it's already 9pm and i have to shower and start thinking about tomorrow. and i have to set up my fantasy baseball team for the week. craziness.

adjusting...

       well... i'm here...

       it's still sinking in. i'm not really sure why i just uprooted my entire life, but it's done now and i find myself looking around and asking... "now what?" not surprising that i haven't found what i'm looking for yet, but i think the answer to that is actually the question itself. because i sure as hell don't know. well, kinda. but not really. the funny thing is that i wanted it to feel like an adventure, but now that i'm here i just want things to settle down, to find a sense of normalcy. maybe i'll find a happy medium. the reclaimed independence gave me an immediate sense of relief, but i have some jay brannan lyrics circling my head that feel really appropriate: "if it's in my hands are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?"

       the loneliness isn't surprising, but it doesn't make it any easier. that's one thing that i kinda took for granted when living with my parents, and sure there were still times when it would creep up on me, but i could always go downstairs and plop in front of the tv with them. being here feels a lot like being back in columbia when i lived on... get this... raleigh drive. it was outside of town and i wasn't out yet and didn't have any gay friends and didn't have many close straight friends. and yeah, i know i'll meet people. it's just kinda funny to me that for a loner i don't really like being alone.

       first day of work was today. just orientation, though, and i wasn't even close to the building that i will be working in. it felt huge and corporate, which furthered the desire in my mind to be an artist. the irony is that hy-vee, with all it's multiple stores in multiple cities across several states, was probably larger (in terms of employees, not dollar signs). but i don't like people telling me how to think and act. they seriously told us how we should organize our thoughts to meet their standards. and they used sports metaphors. i was glad that there was a lady at my table, a new hire in the housekeeping department, who was groaning and giggling at their peacocking right along with me. "we're not going to talk about the $200 million we're spending on such and such or the millions we're putting into this new building, because it's not about that. it's about the people. and people matter." sounded like some b.s. george w. would spew. anyway, there's a little more orientation tomorrow morning, then i go over to my proper department for orientation and training. i'll let you know how that goes, of course.

       hermes has been good, but clingy. but i've been glad for that. we're both adjusting. i start the gym tomorrow, too. haven't had the chance/energy to go yet, so of course i wait until my personal training session. two free sessions with membership. so going to make a fool out of myself. ...hm. i should be used to that, though. but i'm pretty much all unpacked. that's huge. i was going crazy for a while. i don't like messes. i'm enough of one.

yup. still packing...

       hi, my name is chris, and i am a pack rat. good grief. i knew i was bad, but i didn't realize how bad until i started sifting through storage items from the last twenty years. i literally found bits of shiny paper that i no doubt saved because i thought it was pretty. THAT is why it is taking me over a month to pack. in one of my rooms i have a pile of things i'm burning stacked taller than me, made up of old papers, clothes not even worthy of goodwill (there's another pile for those that are worthy), other random detritus. and i've filled several garbage bags with things that won't burn. lots of '90s stuff in there.

       my mother dragged us out tonight to get some family photos taken. yeah, we were all excited. she even told the photographer that i was moving away, after which the photographer suggested i sit on the stool with everyone around me. i refused. i hate having my picture taken and i hate being the center of attention. no fucking way. that's why there are 32 pictures tagged of me on facebook, and half of those are random things people tagged that aren't me (tag the star wars character that fits your friends' personalities!). david knows how i feel, 'cept mirrors don't spontaneously break in response to his reflection like they do mine.

       welp, back to it. gonna try to get a little more done tonight. having lunch with toby tomorrow. looking forward to that. the move is less than a week away now. crazy.

more of the same...

       so the theologian's recent post brought my attention to the current trend around xanga to show body pictures as a sort of "i love my body" campaign. no, i will not be participating this time around. i've certainly made a lot of progress since late december, but... no way. i have every intention of showing off my abs when i reclaim them (don't hold your breath). i'm just not there yet.

       the kitties are running around and playing together in their uber-cute way and it makes me sad that i'm going to be separating them in just over two weeks. is it weird that this is heartbreaking to me? i remember how clingy hermes got after just a weekend here when we lived in columbia. i know they'll adjust. but still, it's like tearing best friends apart. i feel like a selfish asshole.

       two of my high school classmates have asked me recently if we we're going to have a ten-year reunion soon (yes, i'm old). i was class president so for some reason they think that's my job to organize that kind of stuff. frankly, my dears, i don't give a damn. i started trying to forget about that place the day i graduated. i currently keep up with two of my classmates (not the same two), and i'm related to one of those.

       i'd really like to see toby before i move because i haven't seen him in ages, but we're having scheduling problems and i've been kinda surprised by how sad that's making me. i wish i'd have met him when i was in a different/better place in my life. the really sad thing is that i can say that for more than just him. i should just stop meeting people so that i'm not in weird places in life and avoid the things not working out thing altogether. ohh. my heart hurts now.

       two weeks and a day. that's how much time i have left to pack/organize/store/move. i'm not only going through all the stuff from columbia, but all of my storage items from the first seventeen years of my life as well. there is shit everywhere and it's driving me crazy. also trying to jump through all the new job hoops, like talking to h.r. and scheduling pee tests. also trying to get things ready in raleigh, and trying to sell my old car, which is not happening and my father is threatening to haul it off for scrap metal, and i'm still working nearly full time and trying to go to the gym 3-5 times a week. don't ask how much i'm actually getting done. i'm starting to worry a little.

       i'm still in my gym clothes. i need a shower and a bed. goodnight.

delirious drivel...

       i have seven unread emails from boys in north carolina in my match.com inbox that i'm unable to read unless i spend more money. stupid boys. i even wrote on my profile, "not currently a member, so i'm afraid any messages will languish unread in my inbox," and still they send them just to torture me and to try to make me spend more money on that silly site. they probably didn't even read it, just saw my sexy face and couldn't resist a hello. poor things. i'm resisting, for now.

       it's funny to me that before i found out about the job i was keeping up with the packing and organizing, but it has all come to a screeching halt since then. suddenly the procrastination kicks in? i guess i've been busy, though. because of the trip to branson last weekend and because i'm nice and covered a shift today i didn't have a single day off this week. this all goes to my last decent paycheck from hy-vee, though, so i'm going to be glad for it as long as i can find the time to pack around my otherwise unaltered schedule.

       i've been missing someone like crazy lately. probably not a good thing. like, really crazy.

       saw "source code" tonight with my family. exciting and interesting and strange. jake gyllenhaal makes everything good, though. *melts* even the kind of terrible "prince of persia" was worth watching for him.

       i added an eastern time clock to the list of clocks on the lower bar of my browser and it's first on the list so i freak out every time i see it when i think i've just spent an extra hour writing a sentence. either way it's past my bed time, though, especially after having to get up at 4:30 this morning. nighty night.

time for an update...

       well, i got the job! they called yesterday morning and made the offer. it was a decent offer -- not ideal, but reasonable. definitely more than i've ever made before. and there's been a noticeable decrease in stress levels now that i know what's going on. i'm excited. still nervous, sure, and it's going to be bittersweet leaving the few friends that i've made over the last eleven months, but i've been craving new experience and a change of scenery. and i'm really looking forward to having a regular schedule with a regular time to go to the gym and a regular time to write. which is huge.

       is it silly that i'm really looking forward to this gym? haha. i am kinda frustrated that i've started gaining weight again. i'm not sure if it was a result of a terrible diet while in branson or the emphasis on strength training (i try not to step on the scale very often), but i've gained three pounds since the last time. my waist is noticeably slimmer and someone even called me skinny the other day (i still wouldn't use that word), so i'm hoping it's muscle. my muscles aren't that much bigger, but i'm certainly stronger than i was. i've only increased my bench by about 20 pounds over the last 3 months, but i'm already two plates from the bottom of the stack on the cable bicep curl at my regular workout level. i'm nervous to start doing free weights again, but i'm going to have to before too long. i really need to start working on diet, though. my diet hasn't been bad by any means (i say this while munching a 100% whole wheat fig newton -- like the whole wheat makes that much of a difference), but i really need to change things up in order to find that six-pack again. but that's another reason i'm looking forward to raleigh. i have control over my diet here, sure, but buying my own food will help a lot. but enough of that.

       i'd write more, but it's time for work. lots to do yet. i move in three weeks! crazy!

i need to go back to bed...

       i am increasingly convinced that i will die alone. i've just spent the not-quite-awake-yet parts of my morning looking through some random profiles on random sites for no clear reason and came away largely depressed at the lack of possibilities. most of them can't spell or are immature or are just... no. i've only fallen for a small handful of guys in my life and probably only two of those were painful enough to matter. unfortunately one was straight and the other flew straight away. it's just the morning i'm having.

       about to leave, in an hour or so, for good ol' branson, mo. it's like nashville's little hillbilly cousin. not looking forward to it. but my mom wanted to have some family time, meaning cramming five of us into a car that can only comfortably seat four and driving six hours to some country-loving christian's idea of vegas. i'm tired and have had a shitty week, and i've spent the last three days trying not to be a bitch at work, so i have a feeling something's going to 'splode.

       still haven't heard yet. i've been really bipolar about it, though. i always hate the waiting on the edge of something. to be honest, i kinda don't want to go anymore. it's been downgraded slightly from "a place to go" to "a place i could go if i have no other alternative." so right now i don't think i'd be that disappointed in a "no." i just want to know what's going on. really, really frustrating.

       i need a shower. still have to pack, too. my nerves feel frayed. and i could really use a cuddle.

for the birds...

i was always amazed, as a child, with the great annual migrations of birds. they’d fly south for the winter then north again when their homes began to thaw. i was amazed because it was such a long journey -- surely their little wings would give out somewhere around arkansas and they’d tumble out of the sky. and when i’d find a little bird on the ground, a little mushed and half eaten, i’d stop for a moment in wonder and lament that the little thing just didn’t have the strength.

and when i became an adult i knew how he felt.

it didn’t occur to me that they would rest. with my childish understanding i thought they’d just fly relentlessly from point a to b. then one day i saw a large group gabbing away in a clump of trees by my house. occasionally a smaller group would break off and fly to the next clump, just a little bit farther north, until the entire flock was resting on that clump, and it struck me that they were patient little creatures. they knew they could get there, a little at a time.

crunch...

       i'm kind of in a bitchy mood. i blame work, mostly, but i'm also tired and trying to fight off some bug and stressed/worried about all the impending changes and the uncertainty that still hovers around those changes. haven't heard anything yet about the job, but i didn't really expect to yet. it'd certainly be nice, though. my future roommate currently has a tenant that will require a 30-day notice, but 30 days from my move-in date (if i get the job) will be next tuesday. so hopefully i'll hear by then. if not -- well, i don't want to think about that yet. i don't know what i'd do, though. i'd have to get a hotel or some storage space, which means moving twice, which would require renting a truck.... no, i just don't want to think about that yet. i'm the sort that likes things to be settled. i like to plan in advance and know what i'm doing and have things lined up for an easy transition so i can go and unpack and start to settle immediately into my new life and avoid as much stress as possible. i don't like stress.

       trevor gave me the key already, though. he put it on random spare ring that had an "I <3 NY" pendant attached. the little silver teddy bear charm that's on my current key chain used to have "I <3 Chicago" stamped across his chest. now all i need is something with "I <3 Boston" or "I <3 Edinburgh" to make the irony complete. but for the millionth time someone told me tonight, "raleigh!? i lived there once! i loved it! i'm sure you will, too."

       it's not so much about loving the city, though. my nervousness is mostly about loving who i am when i'm there. and who i will love when i'm there. i almost feel like i'm giving up on some things. but some things probably need to be given up on. i'd rather not spend the rest of my life pining after things that will never be. damn hope. it's kind of annoying sometimes.

       but the absolute biggest thing i'm worried about is moving in with an uber-religious republican. wasn't expecting that one.

       currently trolling GWiP and wondering if this is as good as it gets.