adjusting...
well... i'm here...
it's still sinking in. i'm not really sure why i just uprooted my entire life, but it's done now and i find myself looking around and asking... "now what?" not surprising that i haven't found what i'm looking for yet, but i think the answer to that is actually the question itself. because i sure as hell don't know. well, kinda. but not really. the funny thing is that i wanted it to feel like an adventure, but now that i'm here i just want things to settle down, to find a sense of normalcy. maybe i'll find a happy medium. the reclaimed independence gave me an immediate sense of relief, but i have some jay brannan lyrics circling my head that feel really appropriate: "if it's in my hands are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?"
the loneliness isn't surprising, but it doesn't make it any easier. that's one thing that i kinda took for granted when living with my parents, and sure there were still times when it would creep up on me, but i could always go downstairs and plop in front of the tv with them. being here feels a lot like being back in columbia when i lived on... get this... raleigh drive. it was outside of town and i wasn't out yet and didn't have any gay friends and didn't have many close straight friends. and yeah, i know i'll meet people. it's just kinda funny to me that for a loner i don't really like being alone.
first day of work was today. just orientation, though, and i wasn't even close to the building that i will be working in. it felt huge and corporate, which furthered the desire in my mind to be an artist. the irony is that hy-vee, with all it's multiple stores in multiple cities across several states, was probably larger (in terms of employees, not dollar signs). but i don't like people telling me how to think and act. they seriously told us how we should organize our thoughts to meet their standards. and they used sports metaphors. i was glad that there was a lady at my table, a new hire in the housekeeping department, who was groaning and giggling at their peacocking right along with me. "we're not going to talk about the $200 million we're spending on such and such or the millions we're putting into this new building, because it's not about that. it's about the people. and people matter." sounded like some b.s. george w. would spew. anyway, there's a little more orientation tomorrow morning, then i go over to my proper department for orientation and training. i'll let you know how that goes, of course.
hermes has been good, but clingy. but i've been glad for that. we're both adjusting. i start the gym tomorrow, too. haven't had the chance/energy to go yet, so of course i wait until my personal training session. two free sessions with membership. so going to make a fool out of myself. ...hm. i should be used to that, though. but i'm pretty much all unpacked. that's huge. i was going crazy for a while. i don't like messes. i'm enough of one.