(r)evolution???

       i woke up to people running down the dorm hallways, then someone knocked on my door. they asked me to turn on my tv. i saw the second plane hit live. in a daze i went to my first class and it was the only thing people were talking about. i knew what had happened, but i still asked. it didn't feel real. a few of the others hadn't heard yet and voiced their confusion with mine. the teacher dismissed the class early, the rest of the classes were canceled for the day. i sat huddled with strangers, new friends that i had met only a few weeks before, staring at the television, watching the planes fly into the towers over and over again. then they cut to them as they crumbled, as people ran from the dust clouds. we sat silent, occasionally paralyzed by fear or shock or anger. when the conversation started, it was of war, and suddenly my fear wasn't for the people in the towers -- it was that i had just turned 18 and was now eligible for the draft. i wasn't a very warlike individual.

       my friend dan wrote an excellent post today. you should go read his because he's always been better with words and ideas than me. i wish i shared his optimism about our country catching up, though. yesterday, on npr, i heard an author talking about how he thinks we've gone in exactly the wrong direction. in some ways we've changed for the better. (i got an email this morning from a meetup.com co-founder about how 9/11 was part of the impetus for creating a site that would organize people to meet up in person and create a community, much like the little communities that were formed and bonds that were made when people were forced to come out of their apartments and help their neighbors ten years ago.) but we're a mess. economically, socially. the emergence and especially the continuation of the tea party is to me very alarming. people are scared, panicked by change. we took risks. they were bad ones. the world is still trying not to collapse.

       only on the precipice do we evolve. i've written about that line before. when looking for that link i was surprised that it was only last october when i wrote that. it seems like it could have been as long ago as the attacks. just looking back at that old post has changed my mind about this one a little. it's not optimism so much, but a small hope at least. i've been talking about hope with my therapist. i've been losing mine lately. again. for me it's become very difficult to tell the difference between hope and delusion. i, like the rest of the world, have been very close to the edge. i hope we'll be able to see it as an opportunity. i've been fighting, though. still not warlike, no. or at least not in that sense. but something has changed. i've signed those petitions just like dan. i've been trying to stay better informed. internally, too, i'm fighting. i'm getting help. maybe this time..... who knows? i'm slightly terrified to see where we'll be in another ten years. but there's some hope there, too, if only because there always is.

       where were you?