the month the world ends...

       so about a month ago i signed up for this home delivery of local produce. it's not a co-op, but that's the easiest way to describe it. basically it's a business that goes to the farmer's market for me, negotiates a price, and delivers 1/2 bushel of amazingness to my door either weekly or every other week (the latter is my chosen option). i did it because i like the whole local and organic thing, and it gets me eating a better variety of veggies. so last week my box contained about a half dozen beets. i have hated beets since my mama tried to feed them to me from the little gerber bottle. nasty ass $h*t. so tonight i broke in one of my christmas presents that came early from home (since i'm flying home this year my parents sent some gifts ahead of time to avoid extra baggage on the way back -- this box was unmarked and i opened it expecting something else and -- voila! -- christmas came early). let me tell you -- i already love this thing. i went through a sweet potato, a red potato, and a beet in a matter of a couple minutes. and then, in my quest for better health, i deep-fried it all. hey, i am in the south. and omg. the beets were my favorite. ha! so good. the recipe is on my pinterest. not that it's much of a recipe.

       so yeah... going home for xmas. first time in two years. kinda ambivalent about it, but it's only for 4 days (not including travel days) and it is christmas. and it kinda sucked not really having one last year (on top of being all beat up from my wreck). i'm very much looking forward to sunday morning when my parents go to church and i can play the piano to an empty house. i miss it so much.

       it kinda scares me how much time has passed since i've been here. in nc, i mean. not that i have anywhere else to be. i was just looking back through some of the things that i keep track of and was surprised. "good lord, that was over a year ago?!" i remember when i first experienced that somewhat frightening feeling it was at my first full-time job at 'the candy factory'. i quit not long after. there were a lot of things going on at the time, not the least of which was that i was in the thick of grappling with my sexuality (i started coming out at the end of that year). that was december 2008, and there's another of those "has it really been that long?" moments.

       but i might be starting a new job soon. not the one they snubbed me on. another one. possibly better. a good spring-board job in a looks-impressive-on-a-resume sort of way. but i don't have an offer yet, so we'll see, but it is a very good chance. i just hope i like it -- or at least can endure it. and that it pays decently. i'm poor.

       i'm also bored. good thing the world is ending in thirteen days.

playing with dinosaurs...

       i'm kinda amused by the fact that i'm a little nervous about orientation tomorrow. why i have orientation for a place i worked for over nine years i'm not sure, but it has been over three since i've been there and i'm sure things have changed. i'm going to have a lot of stuff to relearn in customer service, too, and you'd be surprised how much there is to it. i don't know, though -- i think it's the newness. some of the employees are the same, but a lot of them are different. because, you know, they're all high schoolers. oh, and the coming out. i haven't decided yet how to do that. turns out it's a lifelong process, one that i'm still relatively new to, so i haven't quite got it down yet. i think for now i'm going to try to keep it as organic as possible -- when it comes up. or maybe they'll get the idea when they catch me staring at a hot guy. yeah, it happens.

       having fun with the computer right now. last weekend the screen randomly decided to go berserk. without provocation it just started turning itself off. like, every two to five seconds. i figured out fairly quickly that hitting the little button that turns the screen off when the lid closes turns it back on, but i was sitting here keeping one finger on the button and one on the keyboard because i had to keep tapping it. quite annoying. after a lot of research i discovered that the backlight on my screen is going out. the backlight itself is a ten dollar part and i did an exploratory surgery to see if i could replace it myself. i kinda like taking things apart. that's always how i would win at the rubik's cube, by taking the thing apart and putting it back together the right way. i could solve it in thirty seconds flat. alas, the backlight is built into the screen assembly itself, so changing it isn't possible. a new screen runs at least a hundred bucks, so with all the other warning signs that my computer will soon explode (which my last one did) i've decided that it's just time for a new one. i'm currently very anti-credit card (or, more appropriately, they're very anti-me) so i'm gonna be saving my pennies and praying that my little dinosaur here will hold out for another month or so. heh. it's not as if i have anything better to spend my money on. but i found a temporary fix in dimming the screen to a very low setting, which solved the on/off problem, but now i can't look at the screen for too long or my eyes go all buggy. it's waay past its time, though, so i'm looking forward to the new one.

       mmm. bed time.

yes, i'm an emotional being...

       so i was a bit emotional the other day. thanks to all for your words of encouragement and calling me out on my illogical-ness. unfortunately it happens more often than i'd like to admit. yes, i have a job, and that's a good thing. with some luck and a slight stretch of the imagination i may even be able to get my own place before too long. i've just decided to set my goal as christmas, but we shall see. i won't be paid that much and i don't know how many hours i'll be able to get.

       i went in today for a pee test and i passed, so that was good. no, i wasn't worried. i was told to go in at two but things were pushed back and they couldn't see me until three, so i sat in the parking lot (it's a freaking beautiful day today) and read a little and chatted a bit. i decided to read over some of what i have written thus far in this historical fiction/fantasy that i've been working on, and i was very pleasantly surprised that i kinda got lost in it. granted, i created the world and it already exists fairly well-formed in my mind, but i don't think i've ever had that happen before when reading my own stuff. it really took me off guard when i kinda snapped out of it. so i'm taking that as a good sign.

       i've opened the windows in the house and i'm just reveling in this weather. low seventies and breezy and autumny. always my favorite time of year. and i just found an apartment i want. not the one downtown that i was looking at earlier, but closer to good ol' hy-vee in independence. i need a roommate, though. any takers?

damsel in distress...

       i never thought i'd be so sad about getting a job before. i had the privilege of chatting with maureen for a bit this afternoon before she ran to pick up her adorable little munchkins, and i commented on still being jobless, as has been my increasingly common lament for the past couple months. soon after i told her that, though, i got a call from my friend in the customer service department of hy-vee, the first job i ever held (for about nine years). she had an opening on weekends. so... yeah. haha. somehow the thought is making me even more depressed, but it's a job, right? and it'll hold me over until something else comes along.

       to be fair, i liked the job. it's a decent company and the pay is above average for the sort of work. but suddenly i feel like my soul is depressurizing and leaking out my ears.

       no, it's no use screaming and telling me to go for what i want instead. trust me, i and probably many of you have tried. for one, i'm not sure what i want. for another, i wouldn't know the first thing about trying to get it. and for another still i have this debilitating lack of self-confidence that's not entirely unfounded, which keeps me rooted to one spot.

       i feel like i'm waiting/hoping to be rescued. excellent boyfriend material.

       i'm gonna go cook dinner now. laters.

i am willy wonka...

       well, it's official. i received the call this morning from the candy factory and they offered me the job. i start on tuesday, shadowing and training with the current confectioner, also named chris, whom i met yesterday and she seems awesome. there's a satellite radio in the confection room and we discussed our musical preferences. she loves country and classical, so i'm sure we will get along very well. i'm so excited. my hours are 9:30am to 5:00pm (or 6?) tuesday through friday and 10am to 5pm on saturday. the dress code is a t-shirt and shorts. haha. forgive my enthusiasm. i'm kinda giddy.

       so tuesday night i went to the midnight premier of order of the phoenix with keira and several others. then i went again last night with my mom. she came down to visit and took me out to eat, grocery shopping, and to a movie (she wanted to see it and i didn't complain). it's probably my favorite of the movies so far. they definitely cut a lot out (expected, since the book was almost 900 pages), but they also changed a few things. that was annoying. but i still liked it. even non-harry potter enthusiasts will enjoy it, i think. but yes. very good. and highly recommended.

       i'll keep this one short. i'm excited. lots to do still, though. take care all. later.

dudley demented...

       i don't know what it is about thunderstorms. maybe it's the electricity in the air or the change in pressure or the saying that "God is in the rain," but for some reason they're kinda magical to me. i'm always at my creative best during a storm. love them. it's raining now, by the way. i've been having lots of ideas lately, both for short stories and the longer one i'm working on. might take a crack at that after i finish this.

       second interview tomorrow morning at eleven. very nervous/anxious/excited. i'm not so worried about the interview itself as i am about the prospect that i might or might not have this job. i really want this job. i hope they like me.

       so...big night tonight. going to see order of the phoenix at midnight with keira and a bunch of people i don't know. wait, i kinda know one of the other guys. but yeah. i'm excited. probably pretty stupid to go to a midnight showing when i have an interview the next morning, but you know... it's harry potter. not quite sure what to expect yet, new director and all. cuaron was the best so far, i think. but this is a good book to adapt to screen, except it's also the longest so they probably cut most of it out. this book wasn't my favorite of the six so far, but it has one of my favorite endings (with the exception of the death). i hope they do the deathly hallows well in this one or they might be kinda stuck come the seventh movie. cause i'm pretty sure that's what that room is. anyway. we'll see. i'm excited.

       a certain hiatus that i mentioned in a previous protected post is backfiring. not feeling happy about that.

       it's already stopped raining. i should go run. ha. probably won't. i'm hungry. must have food. food is better than running. think i might bake some bread tonight, too. i go through it a lot faster when i make it myself. later.

step out into the day...

       this is definitely taking some getting used to. i've always liked it best when change comes slowly, letting you take small steps in adjustment and allowing everything to sink in like a slow drip rather than having the plug pulled all at once and being sucked down in a whirlpool. so now that the proverbial plug has been pulled, i find myself looking up from this new and foreign place wondering "now what?" it's so weird that so much has changed. i think that's what's hardest to grasp. i knew it was going to be different, of course, but i don't think i was quite ready for an entirely new life, almost forced to reinvent myself and find out who i am and who my friends are all over again. it's been one month since i've been here, though i shouldn't really count the first week where i was still rushing around with that class and didn't have time to sit down and see where i was, but now that i have some perspective of my surroundings i'm feeling kind of lost. yeah, i'm sure it will all be okay. but i miss the stability of proven friendships. i miss being able to run downstairs to talk to someone. it's a little strange when you don't have loved ones around. i mean, there's a lot that i could be doing, but none of it means the same anymore and it's a little difficult to find the new definitions. i definitely need one of those "life for dummies" books.

       i have an interview tomorrow. i don't remember if i told you already, but the candy factory thing didn't work out. when i went in, they said that they were looking for someone who was going to be more career oriented, instead of someone who was just transitioning. i was pretty bummed, but i understood. but then this last sunday i was over at a friend's house making and teaching them how to make some chocolates, and the whole time i found myself thinking, "i could totally do this." i mean, i really love it. and candy making isn't terribly fast-paced and stressful like a kitchen would be, which was something else i was considering. so while i am definitely in a sort of transition, i figured that there was a possibility it might not hurt so much if i just stepped out into the sun and let my eyes adjust instead of waiting inside for something i wasn't sure that i wanted. so last night i e-mailed the candy factory again. got an e-mail back this morning saying that if i was serious about it to give him a call. so i called. interview's at 10:30 tomorrow morning. i'm so excited, but i'm also pretty nervous. pray for me, please.

       anyway, i have some errands to run, so i'd better get going. hope all is well. later.

nature boy...

       they say he wandered very far. and while he was out on his wanderings he got a little lost and wasn't able to mention what, exactly, the greatest thing you'll ever learn was. i think he was clubbed by a bunch of bohemian vagabonds while visiting paris. and if i've sufficiently egged the door of cultural references, or rather confused the heck out of you, you'll know about where i am. so nothing more needs to be said about that.

       i've officially decided that i don't understand life. it's very weird.

       i saw a deer on monday while i was out walking. or maybe it was tuesday. no, i think it was monday. ha! it was sunday. that's right. because i went 7 miles because it was sunday. well, on my way back i saw a deer grazing along the bike path. i thought she'd be frightened by me, but she kept on eating, keeping an eye on me. i never left the trail, but as i got closer, she lifted up her head and watched me. i felt like i should have been the one running. she kinda looked the other way, so i started along again, but when i looked behind me, i was surprised to see that she was following me. i stopped for a little while and watched her eat. took a few pictures with my phone, but they didn't turn out. we were about 20-30 feet away from each other, though. it was pretty cool. a couple passed us on their bikes and the woman didn't see it, but the guy did and said "whoah, awesome!" in just about the same way you might hear that in your head. i didn't want to be rude and watch her while she ate, though, because it's awfully awkward if one is eating and the other is not, so i went on, much happier after that. haven't seen her again, yet.

       the house is awfully empty. everything associated with that, which i'm sure you have no idea what i'm talking about, is taking a lot more getting used to than what i thought. katy knows what i'm talking about.

       i keep going grocery shopping for some reason. i've been three times this week. i'm eating well, though. haha. haven't been out to eat yet. i've been in super-cooking mode, now that i have my own kitchen. it's been fun. still looking for a job. well, a job that i want. might have one prospect, i really hope, but i don't know. there's a chocolaterie here in town called "the candy factory." reviews call it a mixture between willy wonka's chocolate factory and the candland game. well, i e-mailed them about their hiring status and sent along a picture of the chocolates i made at christmas. i'm too lazy to link to them, so if you want to see the picture, you'll have to go find it yourselves. i think it's on the strip below. got an e-mail back saying that their current full-time confectioner was retiring and he invited me to come in for an interview if i was interested. i was like "heck yes." i didn't actually say that. but all the same, i still haven't heard back from them yet. that would be just about the best thing ever, though. then i'd really have to double up on the exercise. i would love that place.

       well, it's super late and i want to get up early tomorrow. ha. i've also been saying that i'm going to finish unpacking and i haven't done that yet. ah, and the thank-you cards. really should do those. one good thing about having to spend a lot of time with yourself is that you tend to find out who you are, in case you happened to have forgotten over the last few years. but i've been bumping into myself a lot, lately, and it's rather rude to bump into someone you once knew and not have some sort of conversation with them. well, i guess i'll say that's all for now. later.

a chapter comes to a close...

       i don't know this emotion--happiness and emptiness all in one. i just hugged my best friend goodbye and watched him drive away. it'll only be a couple months before i fly down to visit, but it's still weird. when you live with a guy for three years and see him every day, you just get used to it. i know we'll always be really good friends, but things will probably never be like they were again. makes it kinda difficult to fall in love with people (and i mean this only in every good meaning of the word) when eventually you find yourself having to pick up and move on. i don't really understand it, i guess. i think God's helping me with it, though. i'm really sad about it, but i still feel a certain amount of peace about it. like it's all going to be good. and i'm trying to think about it as a chapter coming to an end, but the story continues. you can't write off major characters in the beginning of a story. it's still not easy, though. i'm seriously going to miss the guy. and all my friends there.

       kinda funny that i started with that when i definitely graduated yesterday. it's been on the mind a lot, though. definitely more important to me. but yeah. graduation. it was looong. they split the graduations up into the different schools and spread them out over the weekend, but my school still had about 1,000 people walking (of about 5,000 graduates this semester). i was surprised that the english majors made up one of the largest groups in the college of arts and sciences. and that's just those that walked. knowing how fickle we english majors are, i'm sure a lot didn't walk. the speaker (no idea who he was) wasn't that great. just okay. he talked about how our generation could multitask because we had facebook and ipods. and how that means we were the future of the nation--even the world. kinda laughable. then we started walking. they grouped us by major--not alphabetically, which i expected them to do, but on reflection that would have been insane--and we ended up just a little ahead of the middle. i walked across the stage around the two hour mark. i left about a half-hour later (about 1/3 of the graduates did likewise) and that was when they were getting to about the middle. i was told i didn't miss anything.

       funny story, though--i haven't graduated yet. i just walked.  yup. my actual graduation date is now in august. i have an online class that won't be finished for a few weeks, but which would have been an automatic "f" had i graduated this month. this way i'll get a degree. and i'll soon be done. for now.

       and i move in to the liahona house on june first. kinda excited. i don't think i told you that, that i got the job i'd been wanting. good news there. and i think it will be good for me to be among friends still. really didn't want to live at home. and i'm still not sure what i want to do, so it'd be kinda pointless to go to grad. school quite yet. and i wouldn't be able to get much of a job yet. i don't know. i'll look around a little. see what happens. happy about the house, though. i definitely learned in all of this that it's just good to trust God. and i'm sure i'll be relearning that same lesson very soon. again. i'm home for now, though. it's good to be back, bittersweet as this day has been. made a chocolate cheesecake for mom and it was excellent. anyway, take care all. i'll be around soon.

       later.