pathetic fallacy...

       it's dusk now. light enough so that the dull-yellow street lamps aren't effective at all, but dark enough that i can hardly make out anything outside my window except for the headlights of the occasional passing car or the square lights of the windows in the apartment building across the alley. kind of a boring time, actually. the sun has already set but the stars aren't quite out yet. i definitely feel like i'm in a sort of limbo. or perhaps a purgatory. but i'm not catholic, so i don't believe in purgatory. we just name it something else. haha.

       i've spent so much time living to please others that i think i've forgotten just how to be me. that's one of the biggest things i think i've learned so far this summer. i've mentioned it before, but all of this "me" time is getting downright strange. i don't know what to do with myself. when my friend from high school came up last weekend i was a little surprised when i realized that i couldn't remember how to act around him. i definitely wouldn't describe myself as a social chameleon because i know what i like and what i don't like. yeah, for the most part i still try to go with the flow. things just work better that way. but i think i have a better sense of self when i'm around other people, if that makes sense. right now, though, i feel like i'm trying to shape this entirely new identity. i'm getting kinda bored with it. it's so weird to me, though, that i feel like i've lost myself. well, probably not lost. when i finally find me i'll most likely realize that i'd been here all along. but i wish i'd hurry up. i'm really slow.

       i remember a time when i would work out for me, when i would go out on the trail and run or take a leisurely walk for the sake of enjoying it and for being healthy and for looking my best. and i was those things. now i wouldn't consider the last few years in any way wasted, but for some reason i stopped doing that. i forgot how. i got so wrapped up in trying to please others that i lost track of who i was. and suddenly i became ashamed of myself. their expectations were impossible. but i had shaped my life around them, and now they're gone. so that shape begins to lose its form. it's not a crumbling or falling to pieces so much as a slither to the floor--a fluid motion of old habits and old dreams sliding away like an unveiling curtain pulled away to reveal nothing.

       it's night now--a relatively clear night with a few stars visible through the light pollution from the city. the light from the street lamps is cold and artificial and it makes me feel the same. i think about the people in the passing cars and wonder where they're going and who they're going to. the curtains in the windows in the apartment building across the alley are drawn and i wonder what's going on behind them. kind of a boring time, actually. i think i might go take a walk and feel the summer's night air on my face--just to enjoy it. later.

nature boy...

       they say he wandered very far. and while he was out on his wanderings he got a little lost and wasn't able to mention what, exactly, the greatest thing you'll ever learn was. i think he was clubbed by a bunch of bohemian vagabonds while visiting paris. and if i've sufficiently egged the door of cultural references, or rather confused the heck out of you, you'll know about where i am. so nothing more needs to be said about that.

       i've officially decided that i don't understand life. it's very weird.

       i saw a deer on monday while i was out walking. or maybe it was tuesday. no, i think it was monday. ha! it was sunday. that's right. because i went 7 miles because it was sunday. well, on my way back i saw a deer grazing along the bike path. i thought she'd be frightened by me, but she kept on eating, keeping an eye on me. i never left the trail, but as i got closer, she lifted up her head and watched me. i felt like i should have been the one running. she kinda looked the other way, so i started along again, but when i looked behind me, i was surprised to see that she was following me. i stopped for a little while and watched her eat. took a few pictures with my phone, but they didn't turn out. we were about 20-30 feet away from each other, though. it was pretty cool. a couple passed us on their bikes and the woman didn't see it, but the guy did and said "whoah, awesome!" in just about the same way you might hear that in your head. i didn't want to be rude and watch her while she ate, though, because it's awfully awkward if one is eating and the other is not, so i went on, much happier after that. haven't seen her again, yet.

       the house is awfully empty. everything associated with that, which i'm sure you have no idea what i'm talking about, is taking a lot more getting used to than what i thought. katy knows what i'm talking about.

       i keep going grocery shopping for some reason. i've been three times this week. i'm eating well, though. haha. haven't been out to eat yet. i've been in super-cooking mode, now that i have my own kitchen. it's been fun. still looking for a job. well, a job that i want. might have one prospect, i really hope, but i don't know. there's a chocolaterie here in town called "the candy factory." reviews call it a mixture between willy wonka's chocolate factory and the candland game. well, i e-mailed them about their hiring status and sent along a picture of the chocolates i made at christmas. i'm too lazy to link to them, so if you want to see the picture, you'll have to go find it yourselves. i think it's on the strip below. got an e-mail back saying that their current full-time confectioner was retiring and he invited me to come in for an interview if i was interested. i was like "heck yes." i didn't actually say that. but all the same, i still haven't heard back from them yet. that would be just about the best thing ever, though. then i'd really have to double up on the exercise. i would love that place.

       well, it's super late and i want to get up early tomorrow. ha. i've also been saying that i'm going to finish unpacking and i haven't done that yet. ah, and the thank-you cards. really should do those. one good thing about having to spend a lot of time with yourself is that you tend to find out who you are, in case you happened to have forgotten over the last few years. but i've been bumping into myself a lot, lately, and it's rather rude to bump into someone you once knew and not have some sort of conversation with them. well, i guess i'll say that's all for now. later.