eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

       this part of the roller coaster is called the downward spiral. or perhaps the plunge straight to the bottom. yes, after such a good week, i guess this would rather be the sudden drop where you have to close your mouth to keep your heart in. unfortunately, i forgot to close my mouth and i think i won't last much longer now without a means of supplying oxygen to my brain. you remember that friend i mentioned earlier. well, i don't know what's going on there. we're 800 miles apart and we still can't stop fighting every time we talk to each other. now i'm afraid that our friendship will be one of those that we'll both try to forget and that when we do see each other, what passed between us will only be a vague memory and we'll be forced to endure polite and meaningless conversation until one of us can come up with an excuse to leave.

       how do you stop loving someone? more often than not i find myself hating him. it's not a loathing. i'm just so angry with him. i hate him for being so far away. i hate him for taking away the few things that we could do together in the end, distancing himself from me. i hate him that he's been able to jump back so quickly and he hardly seems to spare a thought for me anymore. he keeps himself so busy he can't even talk. and i hate myself for being like this. i mean, what the hell? why am i like this? why can't i just forget and move on with my life? why can't i enjoy the friends i have here? why do i miss him?

       listen to me, i sound like a disgruntled ex-girlfriend. get over yourself and get on with it. i mean, that's not normal, is it? to be so torn up about some stupid friend? and i have been all summer. i just want to forget and pretend there was never any friendship at all. i don't want to remember a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. i don't want to care.

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

       i decided to change my layout back. i never planned to keep the chocolate one for long. it was purposed more for a sort of hope that the job would come my way, which it did and i'm grateful for that. this old one's a little bit more to my taste, though. it's cleaner, more soothing. like rora said, the other made me feel fat.

       i don't think i'm going to say anything more about this. i'll probably get myself into enough trouble just by posting this to the small handful of you who can read my protected posts. don't think bad of me, please. i'm just not sure how to deal with this. the biggest reason that i hoped i would get this job was not for money, even though i needed it, but so that i would have something else to think about--something to pour myself into. i haven't been able to write because it's such an emotional process and your mind has to be clear. my feelings would come out too much in what i was trying to write. and i just haven't had the will for it. the things i hold important in my life are not the successes or accomplishments or how many good deeds i do or how many people i witness to. the most important thing to me is my relationships. in the end i don't think it's going to be so much about the things you did, but how much you loved. and lately i've felt neither loving nor loved.

nature boy...

       they say he wandered very far. and while he was out on his wanderings he got a little lost and wasn't able to mention what, exactly, the greatest thing you'll ever learn was. i think he was clubbed by a bunch of bohemian vagabonds while visiting paris. and if i've sufficiently egged the door of cultural references, or rather confused the heck out of you, you'll know about where i am. so nothing more needs to be said about that.

       i've officially decided that i don't understand life. it's very weird.

       i saw a deer on monday while i was out walking. or maybe it was tuesday. no, i think it was monday. ha! it was sunday. that's right. because i went 7 miles because it was sunday. well, on my way back i saw a deer grazing along the bike path. i thought she'd be frightened by me, but she kept on eating, keeping an eye on me. i never left the trail, but as i got closer, she lifted up her head and watched me. i felt like i should have been the one running. she kinda looked the other way, so i started along again, but when i looked behind me, i was surprised to see that she was following me. i stopped for a little while and watched her eat. took a few pictures with my phone, but they didn't turn out. we were about 20-30 feet away from each other, though. it was pretty cool. a couple passed us on their bikes and the woman didn't see it, but the guy did and said "whoah, awesome!" in just about the same way you might hear that in your head. i didn't want to be rude and watch her while she ate, though, because it's awfully awkward if one is eating and the other is not, so i went on, much happier after that. haven't seen her again, yet.

       the house is awfully empty. everything associated with that, which i'm sure you have no idea what i'm talking about, is taking a lot more getting used to than what i thought. katy knows what i'm talking about.

       i keep going grocery shopping for some reason. i've been three times this week. i'm eating well, though. haha. haven't been out to eat yet. i've been in super-cooking mode, now that i have my own kitchen. it's been fun. still looking for a job. well, a job that i want. might have one prospect, i really hope, but i don't know. there's a chocolaterie here in town called "the candy factory." reviews call it a mixture between willy wonka's chocolate factory and the candland game. well, i e-mailed them about their hiring status and sent along a picture of the chocolates i made at christmas. i'm too lazy to link to them, so if you want to see the picture, you'll have to go find it yourselves. i think it's on the strip below. got an e-mail back saying that their current full-time confectioner was retiring and he invited me to come in for an interview if i was interested. i was like "heck yes." i didn't actually say that. but all the same, i still haven't heard back from them yet. that would be just about the best thing ever, though. then i'd really have to double up on the exercise. i would love that place.

       well, it's super late and i want to get up early tomorrow. ha. i've also been saying that i'm going to finish unpacking and i haven't done that yet. ah, and the thank-you cards. really should do those. one good thing about having to spend a lot of time with yourself is that you tend to find out who you are, in case you happened to have forgotten over the last few years. but i've been bumping into myself a lot, lately, and it's rather rude to bump into someone you once knew and not have some sort of conversation with them. well, i guess i'll say that's all for now. later.