pathetic fallacy...

       it's dusk now. light enough so that the dull-yellow street lamps aren't effective at all, but dark enough that i can hardly make out anything outside my window except for the headlights of the occasional passing car or the square lights of the windows in the apartment building across the alley. kind of a boring time, actually. the sun has already set but the stars aren't quite out yet. i definitely feel like i'm in a sort of limbo. or perhaps a purgatory. but i'm not catholic, so i don't believe in purgatory. we just name it something else. haha.

       i've spent so much time living to please others that i think i've forgotten just how to be me. that's one of the biggest things i think i've learned so far this summer. i've mentioned it before, but all of this "me" time is getting downright strange. i don't know what to do with myself. when my friend from high school came up last weekend i was a little surprised when i realized that i couldn't remember how to act around him. i definitely wouldn't describe myself as a social chameleon because i know what i like and what i don't like. yeah, for the most part i still try to go with the flow. things just work better that way. but i think i have a better sense of self when i'm around other people, if that makes sense. right now, though, i feel like i'm trying to shape this entirely new identity. i'm getting kinda bored with it. it's so weird to me, though, that i feel like i've lost myself. well, probably not lost. when i finally find me i'll most likely realize that i'd been here all along. but i wish i'd hurry up. i'm really slow.

       i remember a time when i would work out for me, when i would go out on the trail and run or take a leisurely walk for the sake of enjoying it and for being healthy and for looking my best. and i was those things. now i wouldn't consider the last few years in any way wasted, but for some reason i stopped doing that. i forgot how. i got so wrapped up in trying to please others that i lost track of who i was. and suddenly i became ashamed of myself. their expectations were impossible. but i had shaped my life around them, and now they're gone. so that shape begins to lose its form. it's not a crumbling or falling to pieces so much as a slither to the floor--a fluid motion of old habits and old dreams sliding away like an unveiling curtain pulled away to reveal nothing.

       it's night now--a relatively clear night with a few stars visible through the light pollution from the city. the light from the street lamps is cold and artificial and it makes me feel the same. i think about the people in the passing cars and wonder where they're going and who they're going to. the curtains in the windows in the apartment building across the alley are drawn and i wonder what's going on behind them. kind of a boring time, actually. i think i might go take a walk and feel the summer's night air on my face--just to enjoy it. later.