the death of the american dream...

       i've always been something of a news junkie. online journalism is far more appealing than broadcast (i find the latter more ego-centric and entertainment driven), but i've become even more so with my new phone. i have applications from nine different news sources (well, eight, really -- the onion is the ninth) including the advocate, bbc news, fox news, the huffington post, npr news, the new york times, newsy.com, and usa today, and i access all of them regularly. i love it. especially newsy, because they draw from all of the other sources and keep things relatively more neutral. which, now that i think of it, is amusing that there can be varying degrees of neutrality. anywho.

       anyway, i was reading usa today and stumbled on this article that cites a study of 300 million tweets and concludes that people are happiest on sunday mornings and saddest around thursday nights. it makes sense, after all. on sunday morning people have had some time to relax after the M-F 9-5, and they still have all day sunday in front of them, while on thursday they're already worn out from the week and they still have to go to work the next day. but how sad is that!? this article grabbed my attention because that's always been something i've wanted to avoid in my life -- the daily grind. the slog. because isn't it basically just the death of dreams?

       i've never been a big proponent of the american dream. white picket fence and 2.5 kids and church on sundays and thinly veiled alcoholism supported by a job as an insurance salesmen finding ways to scare people into giving you money and then dodging them when they need a little of it back. not to dog on insurance people -- just the first thing that popped into mind. but you all remember the movie "the incredibles" where the dad did just that... boring claims person, back and forth to work every day, no excitement, when he had all of this potential inside him. why can't people be proud of the superheroes they are?

       so what happened to us? how did we get stuck in this rut?

       i blame the capitalists.

       seriously, though. what do you think? or is everything fine the way it is?

---

day thirty. share what you have learned, if anything, about yourself over the last thirty days.

       welp, finally done. and it only took me two months. ha. i think i even predicted as much. what did i learn? um... lol. not much. got me posting a bit more, though, so that's good. but now i'm gonna go swimming. laters!

bit rambly, not much going on...

       wow. it's been a while. for a few things, but we'll not get into that. not too much to report, really. went to the dentist last wednesday and my dentist still calls me his most boring patient ever (never had a cavity or braces or such things). and that was the first time i've been in 3 years. umm... what else... got an email from the freelance peeps i've been trying to get on board with doing local restaurant reviews. they said they were impressed with my writing and would like me to head up the section on lgbt business and news instead. so that's cool. it's not finalized -- they wanted more writing samples that would be relevant, so i've been working on that. need to get on that, actually. my cousin came to visit last weekend and we went downtown. my first time to westport since i've been back. good times. and i've been chatting up several applicants for new friend positions that desperately need to be filled. met one today (didn't go so hot). meeting another tomorrow (fingers crossed). my parents got a pool. it's currently being filled. looking forward to that. oh, and for the first time in nearly a decade i had a successful long-hand writing attempt while sitting in the mcdonalds on 291 and 24 in independence. i was in need of some coffee/wi-fi/writing therapy after the not so hot friend meeting today. got a solid page out.

       i miss my friends in columbia. one of those is moving soon, a little closer, temporarily, then far far away eventually, to new york city where he'll become great, i'm sure. hopefully we'll get a chance or two to hang out before that happens. i'm going to visit some of the others in mid-august, so i'm really looking forward to that. and i'm starting to ramble. i should go get some things done. how are all y'all doing?

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day twenty-nine. hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days.

       not sure. everything's been shuffled lately, so i've been trying to figure that out, too, but at the same time i've been somewhat overwhelmed by the need to figure things out. i'd like to get a good job. i never really thought i'd say that. i've been hoping for so long that i'd finally finish the next great american novel and be able to support myself while working on the next great after that, but i haven't been doing very well with that. so i need a job. and an apartment. i'd really like a place in midtown, i think. they have some nice apartments there. i still don't really want to end up in kc, but right now i don't have too many options, and kc's really not that bad a city. and i need a boyfriend. working on that one. and i'd like to lose another 15 pounds or so. and i need to write. then i'll worry about what comes after that.

caution: wet floor...

       my long-time readers probably won't remember the incident several years ago when i passed out after giving plasma. it was mildly entertaining. i had been fine during the donation, but it was later, as i was leaving, that i noticed my arm had been improperly bandaged and that i was bleeding again. i had asked for help and someone changed the bandage, and just as she was finishing i woke up on the floor. well... it happened again yesterday. this time she had even walked away when i started feeling woozy. i really don't like the sight of blood gushing out of me without the tubes and machines attached to give it back. but i crouched on the ground and put my head between my knees because i knew i was going. a couple female employees asked me if i was ok and told me to get up and sit on one of the beds. when i said that i just needed to breathe, they came to me and tried to help me up. then i woke up on the floor. apparently there was another guy who had come up to help and it was his arms that i passed out in. he was pretty cute, too. anyway, this episode was particularly embarrassing because when i realized that i was bleeding i was on my way to the bathroom because i really had to pee. and when i woke up i didn't have to anymore. yeah...

       probably one of the more embarrassing moments of my life. especially because they were pretty busy and there were all sorts of people around. but one kind employee threw her lab coat over me so that it just looked like they were keeping me warm. and they gave me a pair of scrubs to wear home. except they only had one pair of spare scrubs and they were 2XLs. now i was very happy for them, but i have a 30-inch waist and they gave me a pair of pants that would fit an individual with a 56-inch waist. so i got to say cool things like "it's hammer time!" as i was driving home. it's ok, you can laugh. i am.

       i think i'm going to go see a movie tonight. i really need to get out of the house. someone want to come with me? please?

---

day twenty-eight. say something to your fifteen year old self.

       garret already said it to his fifteen year old self, but i had thought of it before he posted his (i swear!). because if there was anything i needed to hear it was this: you're gay. get over it. enjoy it. spare yourself the heartache and insanity.

what the funk...

       i'm kind of in a blogging funk. i was writing the next challenge, though, and i was here, so i figured i should take the opportunity.

       got my new phone. i've been playing with it way too much. i really like it. and it doesn't push random buttons or call people when i don't want it to. it's way too easy to turn off the alarm, though. my blackberry had a relentless alarm. and the only other thing i miss is the blinking red light that tells me i have a new message and which doesn't go away until i give it some attention. but it's cool. way too easy to push the little "buy now" button on the apps, though. some are pretty nifty, though. i got one that tells you when you can run to go pee in the middle of a movie, how much time you have, and it tells you what you missed while you were gone. =P

       i've been slowly getting back on the work-out wagon since falling off after the move. only a few trips to the trail (i really miss the mkt -- lots more people and water fountains and so much shade), but i've been jogging some on my parents' treadmill (still not nearly as much) and lifting perhaps a little more than i was before. so... yeah. hopefully i won't balloon up.

       i've been going crazy the last few days. nothing major -- just a slow descent into the depths of shame and torment and loneliness. i really miss my friends. and no luck in the new friends dept. but i made a cake today and that helped. white with raspberry filling and white frosting. mmm.

---

day twenty-seven. the last thing that made you cry.

       a boy. of course.

and dread the day...

       i've always been a dreamer. a big dreamer. and for myself i've only really had two main dreams that, whatever else i may have wanted or whatever else may have happened, i could imagine myself being ok if i had one of these two. and i wanted them badly. both have always existed -- even when i was very, very young i wanted to be either a singer/musician or a writer. or both. the first twenty years of my life (maybe a little less) were dominated by the desire to sing. i wanted it so bad i was in pain. the desire was so great that even now when i think about it, though i realize that it's not going to happen, i still feel a little twinge, and that was nearly ten years ago. but i got some training and sang as much as i could and even made a cd. haha. but by then the ever so practical dream of being a writer started to fill in between the tatters of my singing career. i'm still kinda stuck on that one, and i'm starting to worry that the edges of this one are fraying like the one before it did, but this time there isn't anything to fill in the gaps. it's what i want to do. definitely a "here goes nuthin'" sort of thing.

       it's kinda sad that all four text messages i've received so far today were twitter updates from davey wavey. yeah, don't ask.

---

day twenty-six. talk about the last "random act of kindness" you encountered.

       i'm a little bit stumped on this one. and troubled that i'm stumped. i can think of plenty acts of kindness, but it's the "random" that gets me. my cat just randomly jumped on my lap to snuggle. that was kind. and certainly appreciated. so there.

needles and jane fonda shudders...

       hi. so i finally completed and submitted my freelance application for the local restaurant review thing. it wasn't my best work, but i needed to get it in. wish me luck. =) how was everyone's weekend?

       favorite word of the day: gymnasium. the word gymnasium is derived from the combining form gymno-, meaning nude or bare (in ancient greece, they did train in their birthday suits). i'm thinking we should start taking a retro approach to our workouts, yes? (a portion of this was taken from wordsmith.org's a.word.a.day e-newsletter.)

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day twenty-five. tats.

       so i'm supposed to show and tell or talk about why or why not as far as tattoos go. unfortunately i don't have anything to show you today. i've always kinda wanted something. well, a few somethings. but let's face it -- i have commitment issues. and i'd really have to be sure about what and where. i've always liked the triquetra, or perhaps some stylization of the symbol for the deathly hallows (quite similar to the triquetra). but so far i've just settled for a triquetra necklace. at one point i wanted to get "expecto patronum." and lately i've been thinking about something to do with the four elements, and no, not because of "the last airbender," though i did love that cartoon. but i'm not sure. at this point i probably never will, but who knows. piercings, however, are a different story. i don't have any yet, but i really want to get the upper auricle on my right ear pierced. higher than what's shown in that link, between the auricle and the pinna. but i can't because i still give plasma, and not only would they defer me for a year for getting a new piercing, they'd also defer me permanently for being a gay. because we all have aids. that's the one place in my life where i'm not out. sucks.

the exorcist: blackberry edition...

       wow, i didn't realize that it had been a couple days already. time flies when... no, that doesn't quite work. anywho. my phone is acting all possessed again. occasionally it decides to wig out and text random people and push random buttons and send texts when i'm in the middle of composing them and call random people. it's tres annoying. and it's not like an every once in a while it will push a random button thing -- this morning it sent my friend chris 18 blank text messages within about 3 minutes before i caught it and turned on the keypad lock. the "T" and the "U" also stick, either inserting extra letters or refusing to insert any at all. and the trackball can't select anything (and i'm on my second trackball). i really like the blackberry, but... i've been eligible for an upgrade for about 6 months now and... i've really been wanting one (i've had 22 applications sitting in my iTunes waiting for the inevitable) and... i just got my final paycheck today from which wich. so i blew it. well, actually, i blew a little more than what was on that check. but i really needed to. the battery on my blackberry hardly lasts a day anymore (and it's my second battery), and if it's humid outside it wigs out even more than usual and more buttons stick and... i'm really trying to justify this, aren't i? i did need a new phone. maybe i didn't need an iPhone in particular -- but i wanted it. so i got it. just an 8 gig 3GS. couldn't afford the new one or the bigger one, but this one will do nicely. because of the holiday i probably won't get it until wednesday. but i'm excited.

       which brings me to a point of order. the holiday is on sunday. why the heck is everyone closed on monday, too!? lazy bastards, the lot of 'em, i think. even if i had a job i'd probably be pissed to be missing out on valuable hours.

       which reminds me -- i really need to keep going on those applications.

       oh, but i got disc two of season two of ally mcbeal today and i really need to go watch that. mhm.

---

day twenty-four. reveal your most guilty pleasure.

       i probably have a lot of things that other people would think i should be guilty about enjoying. but of course i'm not. perhaps the closest thing, though, would be food. i even feel guilty when i eat a healthy meal, even if i love it. and i can't buy candy/cookies/ice cream. though i do every once in a while and i often eat it all very quickly. but i eat it. and i need to be losing weight and getting healthy and all of that good stuff.

       i also like to spend money unwisely.

amazon.com will rule the world...

       so i just got an email to inform me that my favorite t-shirt company, woot.com, is being acquired by my favorite everything company, amazon.com. now i've always loved amazon, but that love became the forever and ever amen kind of love when they bought the seventh hand-made copy of the tales of beedle the bard, sending nearly $4 million to jo's charity. and it became the i wanna have your babies kinda love when they came out with my beloved kindle. but i swear, one day amazon and google will rule the world. i can see them skipping together, hand in hand in a meadow with wildflowers and butterflies and maybe even a sparkly vampire.

       but for serious. they already own zappos and audible ( ) and imdb and cdnow and lots of others. and now woot!

       i love amazon. i got an email from them today, actually, telling me that they shipped one of my subscribe and save items. i love that feature. even cheaper than walmart.

---

day 23. write a love letter to yourself.

dear yourself:

       i don't know who you are. i was just told to write a love letter to you. so. i love you.

       oh. doesn't count? hm. take two. dear self:

       it was fun sleeping in with you today. it was especially nice when hermes jumped in bed just before eight and snuggled with us for a bit before the alarm went off. the cat can love you, so you must not be entirely unlovable. you are better than i think, though. i know i put you down way too much, and i'm sorry for that. i give you a ton of crap about your body, but we've been working on that and have been making a lot of really good progress, even if we have been slipping a little since living with your parents. but we can get back in the groove again. it'll take some time, but we'll get there. and i know it's been really tough being back home -- i know you're feeling like you don't have much of a future, but it's not true. i really do believe that you could go places if you apply yourself. we need to work on that one, too. but i have confidence in you. i know we don't get along all the time -- we fight a lot and we get over emotional and sometimes we just detest one another, but i want you to know that i'm in it for the long haul. even if you are crazy. and we have some amazing friends, too. so keep writing. you can be good at that sometimes, even if you do write horrible love letters. just steer clear of romance novels. but you can definitely go for the models that pose for the covers. and don't worry so much about finding mr. right. even if he never comes along, we'll always have each other. and amazon, along with it's new acquisition of woot.com. so, be well, self. take care of yourself. and i'm sure, deep, deep, very deep down inside, i do love you.

sincerely,
me

not the orange soda...

       i have a huge crush on david bromstad. major crush. my mom watches a lot of hgtv, which is weird because she has terrible design tastes. my parents' house is overrun with americana. but he comes on every day at 2:30pm and if i see him while walking by i just have to sit and watch. so talented. and hot. very hot. he's only ten years older than me. which is weird because i usually don't go for guys that are that much older. the only thing that might throw a wrench in the works of our relationship, though, is that he lives in miami and i'm not a big fan. yes, i'm sure that'd be the only thing. but we could overcome that little hurdle because it's just meant to be.

       i found this apartment in downtown kansas city that i fell in love with. wonderful. and not too expensive. it's near the artsy part of town, kinda between the plaza and crown center. the plaza is a shopping district that i've always loved and crown center is where hallmark's offices are (should i get a job there -- something i still need to work on). but i'm getting antsy. i need to finish up this portfolio for hallmark and it's taking me forever because it has to be perfect so they'll give me the job. then maybe david will decide to relocate and we'll live happily ever after. fingers crossed.

---

day 22. your deepest fear.

       being alone.

something bleu... (yeah, it's a stretch)

       yesterday i went to a celebration of heterosexual love and the sanctity of marriage. it was my cousin's wedding. he's in the army and he had a week off so they wanted to hurry up and get married while he was here. it was a lovely ceremony. i giggled a little at her white dress as her two daughters watched from the front row. he even threw her over his shoulder fireman style and ran down the aisle when it was all finished. so romantic. and sacred.

       it was weird. first wedding i've been to since i've been out, and i probably shouldn't have gone. it wasn't bad -- i just couldn't help feeling extremely out of place. and it was the first time i've seen several family members since coming out, so a bit awkward there. my uncle didn't say a word to me, just gave me funny sideways glances, perhaps scared that i'd start stripping and dancing around a pole throwing rainbow condoms everywhere like flavored confetti. but i'm happy for them. and i have to wonder how many of them would strip me of my rights if given the chance.

       i have another in a couple weeks. some really good friends in columbia. mixed feelings, of course, but they're awesome people and i am truly happy for them and happy to support them.

       i'm kind of in a weird mood. slept this afternoon and i shouldn't have because i'm all lethargic now. but i just found out that he's back with his old boyfriend, too -- the one he said he wasn't over yet. obviously. and i am happy for him, too. but i'm kinda tired of being happy for other people.

---

day 21. a recipe.

White Chocolate Cheesecake (Chicago Style)

Ingredients:
3/4 cup sugar, divided
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla, divided
1 cup flour
4  8oz. packages cream cheese, softened
2 pkgs (12oz.) Baker's White Chocolate, melted, slightly cooled
4 eggs
1 pint (2 cups) raspberries
1 cup sugar for raspberries (optional)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees (recipe says 300 for dark pans, but that didn't quite work for me). Beat 1/4c. sugar, the butter, and 1/2 tsp. of the vanilla in a small bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy. Gradually add the flour, mixing on low speed after each addition until well blended. Press firmly onto bottom of a 10" springform pan, pricking many times with a fork. Bake 25 minutes or until edge is lightly browned.

Beat cream cheese, remaining 1/2c. sugar, and remaining 1 tsp. vanilla in a large bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Add melted chocolate; mix well. Add eggs, one at a time, beating on low speed after each addition just until blended. Pour over slightly cooled crust.

Bake 55-60 minutes or until center is almost set. Cool slightly, then run a knife around edge of pan to loosen the cake. Cover and refrigerate 4 hours or overnight. Remove springform edge and top with berries just before serving (I used frozen berries and boiled them for a few minutes in a saucepan with the sugar -- no extra liquid -- for an extra yummy topping). Enjoy! Store leftovers in the fridge. Good luck with that.

my life is a hobby...

       i hurt. i'm usually pretty crazy about the sunscreen because i'm really, really pale. if i didn't have freckles i would probably be an albino. and there's the whole family history of skin cancers and such. and i don't like having a sunburn. but today i picked blueberries. i didn't think i'd be out there very long and it was about 10am so i didn't think the sun would be that bad anyway. heh. i should have turned around when i walked out the door and realized it was already over 90 degrees. anyway, my mom has a half dozen or so blueberry bushes. she started over ten years ago with 2 and gradually increased to about a half dozen now, producing at different times over the summer. the idea was to have blueberries coming all summer long, but then the bushes established themselves and one bush will provide enough for the summer and then some. we pick them every couple days and we'll get about a gallon of berries from each picking. so we have a ton of blueberries. we give a lot away and mom freezes the rest. we still have a couple bags left from last year. we've already given away a couple gallons this year and we've eaten about as many and so far there are three gallons in the freezer with only two bushes going at the moment and there are still plenty of green ones left on those. heh. so i was out there for about an hour and a half today, picking blueberries and sweating buckets and burning to a crisp. speaking of, blueberry crisp sounds really good right now.

       in other news, i've officially lost 30 pounds since the big weight gain of 2006-2008. i'm actually about where i was before i started gaining, around 160, but i had a lot more muscle back then. i'm aiming for about 10-15 more. should have my abs back at that point. except i've really fallen off the exercise wagon over the last couple weeks. i've only gone 11 miles this week and lifted once or twice. i think it's treadmill time.

---

day twenty. a hobby of yours.

       yeah, i know, i'm entirely disregarding the whole "day" thing. but i'm still getting through them and that's what matters, right? so. down to it. a hobby. not really sure what counts as a hobby. dictionary time. from m-w.com, a hobby is "a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation." well, i don't really have an occupation at the moment. there are several things that i do. like reading or writing or music, any of which would probably be considered hobbies to any contributing member of society. my life is kinda made up of hobbies. i love movies, i cross-stitch, i walk/jog, i exercise, i have a cat (can a cat be a hobby?), i give plasma (which i guess would be my occupation at the moment), i attempt to date, i cook, i try to organize my stuff... yeah, i'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. quite a bit, actually.

busy work...

       the job search continues. i haven't done too much, but i've applied to the four closest starbucks stores and today i've been working on my portfolio for hallmark cards. i've also been looking through freelance opportunities on mediabistro.com, and i really wish i'd have thought more about a career while i was in college or had some sort of direction. my advisor was universally acknowledged as quite horrible. but a lot of the positions that i'm interested in require at least a couple years of experience in the field, and i don't think they'd accept sandwich or candy making or grocery store customer service as such. so... yeah. meanwhile there's always plasma. and my parents are giving me jobs to do so i don't feel like a complete tool.

       insert expletive here.

---

day nineteen. a talent of yours.

       oh, let me tell you... i've been told that i'm quite talented.

       ha. it's really funny to me that a commercial for viagra just came on tv. because, you know, that last line was supposed to be a joke of a somewhat seckshooal nature.

       anyway. um. my mom tells me that i mow lawns real good. and that i could do anything i want to.

       *sigh*

anywhere but here...

       i hit my head today. the second floor of my parents house is pretty much just one huge vaulted ceiling with some large dormer windows at regular intervals. well i was sweeping the upstairs bathroom and while i was sweeping the stuff into the dustpan i forgot where i was in relation to the dormer and ceiling and came up on the corner where the dormer wall and ceiling meet. it's kinda hard to describe so if you don't get it don't worry about it, but the point is i scraped a few layers of scalp off and it hurts. when i disinfected it a clump of hair came off with the swab and on my already thinning head it was just the last thing i needed. and it's been a super hot day and i mowed for another two hours (did the first couple hours yesterday), and i went six miles on my old trail this morning which wasn't nearly as good as i remember it (and i only did six because i was drenched and overheating after only a few miles). but i had some really strong coffee earlier so i'm not as tired as i should probably be. but i was going to lift tonight and i think i'm going to be lazy instead. might read. that sounds really nice, actually. and i'm behind on the book club.

       trying to stay busy. it's strange, but the thing with bradley suddenly has me thinking a lot about an older flame, and i find myself missing him again. that seems kinda messed up. i'm fine. actually in a decent mood tonight. but i still really need a life.

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day eighteen. tell us about your best friend.

       to be honest, i'm really not sure who that would be. i suddenly seem to be losing touch with a lot of people. i suppose you could say the position is open for a best friend here in kc, but i have best friends all over the place, in london and japan and boston and iowa and columbia and california and michigan and north carolina and ... anywhere but here, it seems. hmm...

almost lover...

 
       well that didn't take long. ha. i officially have a new friend in kansas city. i'm talking about that would-be boyfriend that i mentioned previously. he's recently out of a two-year relationship and decided he's not quite ready to be in another yet. but apparently i'm an amazing guy. *sigh*

       *sigh*

       starting to go a bit crazy here. hermes seems to love the bigger house and being with his brother, but it's really starting to eat at me. the bradley thing didn't really help, though. and i'm seriously lacking some motivation. i went six miles last week, lol. i'm going to try to jog some more tonight and hopefully get out on the trail here tomorrow morning.

       i really need a life.

---

day seventeen. a favorite work of art.

       anyone who's been around here over the last few years knows that my religious convictions have been waning dramatically from the good mormon boy that i was. anymore i identify more as agnostic than anything else, and the last time i was in a church (februaryish?) was because i was being paid to secret shop it. the simplest way to describe my beliefs is "i just don't know." and i've been more or less avoiding further exploration of those ideas. that being said, this has still always been one of my favorite paintings. nevermind that it's an image of christ. to be honest i always loved the slightly homoerotic edge to it. there are quite literally tons of better works out there to choose from, and i have many favorites among them, but i can still look at this one and long for what that guy with the hammer is feeling, falling into the arms of someone who loves him despite his imperfections and betrayals.

"forgiven" by thomas blackshear

seeing someone...

       i was almost afraid that i was going to miss another day, but here i am with two hours to spare. you can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

       it's been a busy week. met a guy for coffee on tuesday and ended up talking for four hours on the starbucks patio. went out for vietnamese, which i hadn't had before, then hung out for a while after at his place. meeting him again tomorrow and we're cooking dinner and watching movies. his name is bradley and he's very tall. seriously tall. like, almost as tall as garett. it's all still very new, but we're really clicking like i haven't clicked with anyone before. it's fun. and... pretty cool. =D <== i've been doing that a lot. probably too much.

---

day sixteen. a song that makes you cry.

       hmmm. usually if i cry during a song it's not the song itself, but the circumstances at the time and the song brings out the emotion. could be anything. and a song that made me cry in the past might barely register now. let's see...

carbon leaf - let your troubles roll by
collective soul - the world i know
celine dion - my heart will go on (hush now)
jimmy eat world - hear you me (still does)
josh groban - remember when it rained
kenny chesney - who you'd be today (still does)
    ...

distracted again...

---

day fifteen. a poem you wrote.

i don't like poems,
so i'm writing this haiku
to meet the challenge.

ooh, another verse,
written just to celebrate
the fact that i'm done.

but i should tell you
that i have a bit of news:
i'm seeing someone.

sorry... got distracted by that hot guy...

        so there's no way i'm going to try to catch up with the last five days in one post, so i'll just pick up where i left off and go from there, k? k. this last week has been crazy, though, and not really in a bad way. just a lot going on with the move and such. i was with friends every night and often during the day, too, then trying to pack in the off-times when i wasn't working. i got most of it done before my parents arrived yesterday to help me move, but we were still there for about three hours finishing packing and cleaning and loading up the cars and truck. not too bad. but now my stuff is all over their living room and dining room and basement and i'm trying to figure out what to keep in storage and what to unpack and where my clothes are, lol. i don't know how long i'll be here, either, so it's kind of a weird guessing game because i'll have to pack it all up again before too long.

       it was a good week, though, and i'm glad i had chances to hang out with several of my friends before leaving. there were several i missed, too, but i'll be back to visit sometime soon. thursday night we went out to soco, one of the three gay bars in columbia. it's a younger crowd but nicer bar. i was lubricated enough to try out the dance floor, and i felt like my dancing wasn't that bad so i must have been pretty lubricated. somewhere in there i was separated from my friends and ended up dancing with a really hot go-go boy from topeka named matt and we made out on the dance floor for about a half an hour before my friends dragged me away. i'm not sure why i let them, but i was glad they did, too. it was really hot, though, very new for me, and a dang good last experience in columbia.

       it feels a little funny just typing that, too. very random experience, yes?

       but i'm back home now, trying to get everything sorted. and things seem to be going well so far. it's all very strange, but i think it will be good.

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day fourteen. talk about the cuteness of your pets.

       ok! poor hermes has been a trooper the last few days with his house getting all empty then taking a long car ride to a new house. his brother, buddy, lives here, though, and they've been playing like crazy, and hermes has been exploring his now much larger home and is really enjoying all the boxes to play with. he's crashed out on the bed right now since they didn't get much sleep last night (they had to have some brotherly reconnection), but he'll be running around soon enough. they prefer the upstairs (bit warmer) and you can hear them pounding around up there like a herd of tiny elephants.

my quilt, my mom's sheets. very mismatched and kinda ugly, but i was too tired last night to care.
and hermes always sleeps on the left side.

watch party...

       i'm currently sitting in ellis library on the mu campus. i had lunch with a friend today and was nearby, so i thought i'd stop in and write a bit. and of course i had to get on xanga. i have a guest account that i can use for the rest of the week, but i've been so busy i'm not sure how much i'll be able to get out here. as much as i should be writing, i really need to be packing. ha. i have so much stuff left to do. and saturday's the big day. kinda crazy. and the research book that i've been needing is checked out and not due till september 9th, so looks like i'll have to find it in independence's kinda scrawny library system. if i'm still allowed in the building. haha. i don't know how many times i've been banned from that place because of overdue books. i think i'm good now, though. but this could be my last time to ellis, at least for a very long time. kinda sad. i used to live at this place.

       so tonight's the big glee season finale! i'm excited, especially because they're supposed to be singing "over the rainbow" and queen's "bohemian rhapsody." um. yeah. so. i have a small watch party thing going, but a few have backed out and several have given vague responses and it will probably end up being me on the couch with a bunch of food which, frankly, i'd probably be ok with. except it's been raining today and i probably won't get a chance to get out on the trail. i've gone 19 miles so far this week, ended up with 40 last week, so we're doing ok. i can afford to pig out a little. i'm making peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and i'm kinda making up the recipe so we'll see how it goes, but you can't really mess up peanut butter and chocolate. we've had this discussion before, i believe. it's just amazing.

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day thirteen. how do you think others view you?

       i really don't know. i get mixed vibes from everyone, but there are probably going to be as many different opinions as there are people who know me. i've had several women tell me how awesome they think i am because i'm interested in theater and cooking and i'm clean and am into music and write, but then they discover that i'm gay and suddenly they don't like me anymore. heh. and i know i can be a smart-ass, but i usually try to be such only to people with whom there is a mutual comfort with such behavior. i know i complain a lot about things that i can probably change if i work on it, and i do tend to get bogged down fairly often and throw pity parties, but there is a lot of work to be done there and i think it's perfectly acceptable to bitch and moan to a few friends by the by so long as i'm trying, and likewise i don't mind the good tongue lashing when i need it, though i may not say that i appreciate it at the time. i don't know what people think. i really don't think that they spend any significant time thinking about me, so i try not to worry about it too much, but sure, sometimes i still do. and i'm not sure that i would always want to know anyway. but i still very much value the opinions of my friends. i'll always value that. so i don't really mind what people think -- they're definitely entitled to think whatever they want -- but in general the one thing i would like people to see is hope for me. like, maybe he won't turn out to be such a waste of space after all. that'd be nice.

i'll have another double...

       it's been a busy weekend. i knew that this last week would be kinda crazy, but i wouldn't have guessed this. i'm not entirely sure yet when i'm going to be able to pack, lol. i'll have to schedule that around everything else, i guess. hopefully i'll make some major progress today, because it's my only free day this week. it kinda sucks, because through hanging out with friends this weekend i've been meeting new friends that i would genuinely like to get to know, and i'm leaving this saturday. last night i went out with a friend and a group of his friends, all 'mos but one really cute breeder who's either really secure or questioning like crazy, and we saw a movie then went back to my friend's place and hung out. it was awesome. great guys. and we have plans to go out again thursday night with more friends, both new and old, and i keep wondering why i didn't move to kansas city every couple weeks. it definitely has been and is looking to be a great last fling in columbia, but the pocketbook is starting to protest and i'm not sure where all the emotions have been flying. and i think i'm experiencing my first hangover. it's not bad, i just feel a little woozy. i hope this isn't a bad thing to say, but it really makes me appreciate my online friends more. not the hangover, all the other stuff. i get to keep you guys. =) kinda.

       i missed yesterday again because i was out on the town, so it's another double dose of the 30-day challenge thingy today.

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days eleven and twelve. share a story from your childhood and explain how you got one of your scars.

       this kinda worked out. is it cheating if i kill two birds with one stone? i'll say not. i don't really have any great stories from my childhood. i lived in the pseudo-country growing up, with my brother and my cousins next door as playmates. and my books. my parents have a relatively large amount of land (22 acres -- nothing compared to a lot of country folk, but we're still city folk) so there were lots of opportunities to explore. hills and hawthorn thickets and three ponds and a crazy ravine system courtesy sugar creek gave us plenty to work with, so we'd go wild. when i was pretty young i had a cocker spaniel named sunny. he was a lot of fun. super nice, but unfortunately had a taste for chicken, which in the end was how he met his rather tragic end. one day when he was still a puppy (i might have been anywhere from 5-9?) we were visiting his momma down the road. my parents bought milk from her owners for a while (they do the regular grocery store thing now), but despite the dangers i really loved skimming the cream off the milk and making butter or ice cream or other fun things. anyway, once when we were visiting sunny's momma, sunny's momma's owner's daughter, samantha, who was a little older than my brother and i and occasionally babysat us, came out with sunny's momma and we were playing with her. i don't think sunny was present at the time. but somehow sunny's momma got between samantha and i and she somehow thought that i was threatening samantha, so she attacked me. it was quick, and i think she realized pretty quickly because she backed off, but she bit me just beneath my left pec. it wasn't a bad bite and i didn't really need stitches, but it did leave a kinda cool L-shaped scar on my upper abs/lower chest. only the vertical line is visible now, but i'm too white and my abs aren't where i want them to be in order to show it off.

       and then i found $20?

double whammy...

        hmm. it's nice to sleep in. i woke up about an hour ago (around 11:00am) with a kitty snuggled up against my side. i was out till about 3 or 4 with a couple friends, hanging out that horrible "one last time," even though we don't know whether it will be the last time. i'll try to visit several times, of course, and it's not a long drive, but things happen, etc. i realized that i'm resisting the move less and less, though, because my friend's boyfriend offered me a place to stay for the summer, and fun as it probably would be, the need to get out of columbia has settled in and i'm finding the "not knowing what the hell's going to happen next" thing increasingly attractive. i was reading one of david sedaris's short stories yesterday about him hitchhiking around the coutry, and while i wouldn't do that, i was still bitten by the travel bug (again). so it's not much of an adventure moving in with your parents, but i think the only way i can process that is by thinking beyond that, and that's what has me excited.

       haha. it was weird typing "david sedaris naked" into the currently reading search. i was momentarily afraid. it's a good book, though. you should get it.

       anyway, i was a bit too gone last night to post, so i lumped yesterday's and today's together here.

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days nine and ten. a photo you took and a regret that you have.

       ha. i didn't think i had a digital copy of it. i was describing this picture i took, lamenting that i wasn't able to upload it then started looking for something else that i had on here when: i found it already uploaded! it's not a very good scan, and i'm sorry that this was probably taken before digital cameras existed (probably not, but it feels like it) so it is just a scan, but here:

       as for a regret? wow. ummm... well, i'll keep it general. but i often regret not taking opportunities that may be right in front of me because i don't feel adequate to the task, or not pursuing things that i don't know whether i'd be successful in pursuing because of the same fears.