my coming out story, part one...

December 12, 2009

       it's been a long time since i've had a protected post, or any post for that matter. just wanted to get some thoughts down. i made up my mind about a month ago to come out to my parents when i'm home for christmas. i don't remember exactly what prompted the decision -- i had not intended to tell them for, well, ever. i couldn't even imagine telling my more or less mormon parents that their quiet son was always quiet because he liked boys and was living in a world of self-loathing and shame. in my fantasies i was always telling them in an email while safe in the arms of someone i love at a very safe distance. i like feeling safe. but this is probably the most difficult thing i've ever done. if you've ever seen the movie "latter days" you'll have an idea of what i'm looking at. my parents aren't utah mormon, though, which is the church that many estimate to have funded about 50% of california's prop. 8 victory. that's the church (lds) that followed brigham young in the first major split when the church's original founder was assassinated. my parents belong to the church (rlds) that followed joseph smith jr.'s son, joseph number three, which stayed in the kansas city area. it also had its splits between more liberal and conservative views, but my parents remained with the group that became one of the most conservative of the "mormon" family tree. yeah, more conservative. they're a small group and don't have nearly the power or resources that the lds church has. no walmart or dole or coca-cola to fund legislation. but i'm getting off topic.

       the first thing i did was research because i'm a nerd like that. i googled "how to come out to your parents" and bought books and movies on amazon and spent hours in the library. in one book i read ("just a mom" by betty degeneres -- one of the books i will be giving to my parents when i tell them) the author mentioned that in her experience, in every case but one the parents had eventually come to terms with their son's or daughter's sexuality. that one case was a mormon family. that's about when the anxiety attacks started. ever since it's been a roller coaster of doubts and resolutions that i've tried to keep as far back in my mind as possible. it hit hardest the night i returned to columbia after being home for thanksgiving, a combination of nerves and anxiety and the possibility that that might be the last thanksgiving i spend with my family. not a very encouraging thought, and almost enough to stop me. it's not a matter of giving up my family for this "alternative lifestyle," but a matter of not wanting to lie anymore, not wanting to hide. when i think about not telling them the first thing i think about is that if by some miracle i have a big happy gay family ten years down the road, my new family still wouldn't be able to know my parents. i still wouldn't be able to spend holidays with them or tell them how their grandchildren are. either way i could lose my family in one way or another. and i hate lying, or at least real lying. i'm tired of secrets, of tiptoeing around things, of not being able to be myself. i even have to be careful here in columbia because it would too easily make its way back to my parents if the wrong people found out. i'm tired of having to take off my pride bracelet when i go back to my apartment. i have to tell them.

       i told my brother early last week, in the first couple days of december. it had been suggested by a few friends and a few of the things i read that having someone in the family who knew before might prove helpful. he lives in the kc area and we text often, so i told him i had something to run past him, swore him to secrecy, and after a couple minutes pounding my fist on the floor and screaming expletives into the nearest pillow, i sent the text that shoved the boulder from its perch on the mountain that is my closet, which was quickly followed by a second and much prolonged string of the same. he was shocked. still processing it, actually. but we talked for a long time in what turned out to be one of the deepest conversations i've ever had with my brother. i'm still not sure what he thinks, exactly, but i have a feeling we'll be fine eventually. he asked if he could tell his wife, which i reluctantly consented. you know how women are, and i don't mean that in a derogatory way. it's just true. she was much less surprised, which didn't surprise me. i knew there had been rumors. and that gave me some hope for my parents. but then my mother is also one who threw dr. dobson at my lesbian cousin until she "changed" (she dated and got engaged to a man, but has since broken off the engagement) and my father is the man who stopped giving money to his alma mater in iowa (a university run by the church) because they accidentally allowed a gay marriage in their chapel after iowa passed its law making it legal. nearly every time i talk to him he has something homophobic to say. i have no idea how they will react. they might surprise me. but i'm taking a "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" approach. and i'm trying to gather enough materials to make it easier on them, including this website, and this dvd, this dvd, the betty degeneres book i mentioned before, and also this book. i hope they help.

       it seems surreal right now. i'm sure it will feel much more real as the day approaches, but i'm enjoying this slight mental reprieve for now. it almost feels inevitable, which is comforting in an odd way. it's coming, like a train, and it's going to hit. all i can do is hope for the best. i've assembled some books and dvds and websites for my parents that will hopefully help them in coming to terms with having a gay son. i plan to tell them the day i return to columbia: sunday, december 27th. i plan to pack up my car while they're at church in case i need to make a hasty and emotional exit. i'll give them the resources wrapped in plain brown paper, tell them to wait to open it, then tell them that i want to talk to them. i have a short preface ready, a couple sentences (i can't imagine i'll be able to handle more than that) telling them very concisely what i've told you here. then i'll say those two words that i'll never be able to take back, the words i've been so obsessively hiding from my parents for the last twenty years.

       i very much hope that i'll be able to give you a happy part two. until then.

December 22, 2009

       it's different now that i'm here. it was a long day: work earlier, which was slow since the students are all gone, then an emergency trip to the (gorgeous) vet for poor hermes, who's been sick and hasn't been eating. this followed by hurried loads of laundry and dishes and packing, going over everything multiple times to make sure i hadn't forgotten something, and before i know it i'm giving my mother a hug. suddenly the two worlds that i've fought so violently to keep separate for ages are crashing together with just as much violence, but they haven't hit yet, and the wait is torture. my resolve hasn't lessened. but i am afraid. i find myself choking on the words days before they've had a chance to pass my lips. it's easy to make up your mind when you're not staring them in the face, hearing about their plans, when you don't have to see the damage you're about to do. i really hope i'm doing the right thing.

(click for part two)

not far from the truth: a freewriting challenge from the kween...

       It's been a long time since we last met. The last time was here, wasn't it? Well... in there. The doors are shut now. Probably a service in progress. I remember what it was like to be in there, to see the King children in the back row with their coloring books and little baggies of Cheerios, old lady Shaw and her warm smile and penetrating eyes, and Miss Jeanie sitting straight as an arrow behind the piano. Is she well? She used to give me the biggest smiles, the sweetest hugs. She and her husband took me out for my birthday last year. I miss them. I miss all of them. I'm still the same person, after all. It was their smiles that faltered, their breath that got caught up in the battle between me and what they think you said. But it wasn't you, was it? No, you wouldn't say something like that about me. Yet, here I am, and there they are--the doors locked more securely than before, the narrow windows more tightly shuttered. I used to preach from their pulpit; now I'm here, behind these bars, the once shiny black paint chipping away and showing the rust beneath. Looking up at the cold stone stained by centuries of weather and creeping vines, it's hard to imagine you living there. But you're not contained by stone halls or iron bars, are you?  How could you be? No... you're right. Neither am I. They're the ones behind the bars, kept in the stone vault and looking out narrow windows. Maybe, one day, they'll venture down that old gravel path and discover you waiting for them in places they didn't expect. And I'll hug Miss Jeanie again and wink at old lady Shaw and see how much the children have grown.

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Three things I'm thankful for, day two:

1. Warm, whole-wheat bread fresh from the oven with peach preserves I made a couple nights ago.
   
   
2. Quiet nights in, complete with conversations with good friends and Netflix movies on tap.
   
   
3. Course schedules from a helpful graduate assistant assuring me I didn't procrastinate too long and that I will graduate. Finally.
   
   

kame-hame-ha...

       sort of a drizzly day, not much over 60 degrees; the first hints of reds and yellows begin to show in the trees, and so summer slowly begins to melt into fall. i'm trying to jump ahead of schedule, i know, since the first day of fall isn't for another two and a half weeks, but today is the first that holds that buzzing energy and excitement for me, almost an electrical charge in the fingertips that makes me want to get into a fighting stance with palms out and yell, "kame-hame-ha!" half expecting something to happen. haha. yes, this is my favorite time of year. quite a pick-me-up, actually, from earlier in the day, before i stepped out for a walk downtown to the new plasma center. it was the sort of morning where i could feel no reason to get out of bed, then when i did finally get up i stayed in the shower, thinking, praying, for as long as i could stand it. there are a lot of things to figure out, lots of things that need to happen, big decisions to be made. more school? job? u.s. or elsewhere? i don't usually need plans, but this year has me on edge and i feel like i need to figure these things out before it's too late and the options are gone.

       the thing about options, though, is that there's always that chance of choosing the wrong one. part of me wants to stay here in the very familiar columbia and get an apartment with a couple friends and continue life as usual, but with that comes a fear of stagnancy. friends open me up, make me come alive, and frightening as that can be, it's sort of like a drug, and in experiencing part of that again i don't feel as inclined to leave. i lost ten pounds in the last month and a half, according to the scale at the plasma center, and i'd be very willing to bet that most of that was just within the last couple weeks since people have come back to the house (this was the first time i'd donated in that long). remember that forty pounds i gained after the mess of last year? i almost cried when i realized i was a step closer to normalcy, even if it's only superficial. but it's not just superficial. there's a sense of mystery in my mind again, only a whisper on the breeze for the moment and not quite a direction, but there's an excitement of creating something, like the sense of lightning before it strikes. potential energy. now if only i would allow myself to trust that, to use it. i'm still too wary, too nervous.

       my relationship with God is in a very strange place right now. i don't see him the same way i did a year ago. i'm thinking about leaving my church for a while, not permanently, but just to search for a broader perspective. i want to travel. i want to connect with people in different places. there are two holes in that, though (or at least two). first, that the world isn't that simple, and second, i'm not much for traveling by myself. hmm....

       well, i should get something done while i'm in the mood to do things. hope you're all having a good week!