kame-hame-ha...
sort of a drizzly day, not much over 60 degrees; the first hints of reds and yellows begin to show in the trees, and so summer slowly begins to melt into fall. i'm trying to jump ahead of schedule, i know, since the first day of fall isn't for another two and a half weeks, but today is the first that holds that buzzing energy and excitement for me, almost an electrical charge in the fingertips that makes me want to get into a fighting stance with palms out and yell, "kame-hame-ha!" half expecting something to happen. haha. yes, this is my favorite time of year. quite a pick-me-up, actually, from earlier in the day, before i stepped out for a walk downtown to the new plasma center. it was the sort of morning where i could feel no reason to get out of bed, then when i did finally get up i stayed in the shower, thinking, praying, for as long as i could stand it. there are a lot of things to figure out, lots of things that need to happen, big decisions to be made. more school? job? u.s. or elsewhere? i don't usually need plans, but this year has me on edge and i feel like i need to figure these things out before it's too late and the options are gone.
the thing about options, though, is that there's always that chance of choosing the wrong one. part of me wants to stay here in the very familiar columbia and get an apartment with a couple friends and continue life as usual, but with that comes a fear of stagnancy. friends open me up, make me come alive, and frightening as that can be, it's sort of like a drug, and in experiencing part of that again i don't feel as inclined to leave. i lost ten pounds in the last month and a half, according to the scale at the plasma center, and i'd be very willing to bet that most of that was just within the last couple weeks since people have come back to the house (this was the first time i'd donated in that long). remember that forty pounds i gained after the mess of last year? i almost cried when i realized i was a step closer to normalcy, even if it's only superficial. but it's not just superficial. there's a sense of mystery in my mind again, only a whisper on the breeze for the moment and not quite a direction, but there's an excitement of creating something, like the sense of lightning before it strikes. potential energy. now if only i would allow myself to trust that, to use it. i'm still too wary, too nervous.
my relationship with God is in a very strange place right now. i don't see him the same way i did a year ago. i'm thinking about leaving my church for a while, not permanently, but just to search for a broader perspective. i want to travel. i want to connect with people in different places. there are two holes in that, though (or at least two). first, that the world isn't that simple, and second, i'm not much for traveling by myself. hmm....
well, i should get something done while i'm in the mood to do things. hope you're all having a good week!