eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...
this part of the roller coaster is called the downward spiral. or perhaps the plunge straight to the bottom. yes, after such a good week, i guess this would rather be the sudden drop where you have to close your mouth to keep your heart in. unfortunately, i forgot to close my mouth and i think i won't last much longer now without a means of supplying oxygen to my brain. you remember that friend i mentioned earlier. well, i don't know what's going on there. we're 800 miles apart and we still can't stop fighting every time we talk to each other. now i'm afraid that our friendship will be one of those that we'll both try to forget and that when we do see each other, what passed between us will only be a vague memory and we'll be forced to endure polite and meaningless conversation until one of us can come up with an excuse to leave.
how do you stop loving someone? more often than not i find myself hating him. it's not a loathing. i'm just so angry with him. i hate him for being so far away. i hate him for taking away the few things that we could do together in the end, distancing himself from me. i hate him that he's been able to jump back so quickly and he hardly seems to spare a thought for me anymore. he keeps himself so busy he can't even talk. and i hate myself for being like this. i mean, what the hell? why am i like this? why can't i just forget and move on with my life? why can't i enjoy the friends i have here? why do i miss him?
listen to me, i sound like a disgruntled ex-girlfriend. get over yourself and get on with it. i mean, that's not normal, is it? to be so torn up about some stupid friend? and i have been all summer. i just want to forget and pretend there was never any friendship at all. i don't want to remember a thing. i don't want to feel a thing. i don't want to care.
How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
i decided to change my layout back. i never planned to keep the chocolate one for long. it was purposed more for a sort of hope that the job would come my way, which it did and i'm grateful for that. this old one's a little bit more to my taste, though. it's cleaner, more soothing. like rora said, the other made me feel fat.
i don't think i'm going to say anything more about this. i'll probably get myself into enough trouble just by posting this to the small handful of you who can read my protected posts. don't think bad of me, please. i'm just not sure how to deal with this. the biggest reason that i hoped i would get this job was not for money, even though i needed it, but so that i would have something else to think about--something to pour myself into. i haven't been able to write because it's such an emotional process and your mind has to be clear. my feelings would come out too much in what i was trying to write. and i just haven't had the will for it. the things i hold important in my life are not the successes or accomplishments or how many good deeds i do or how many people i witness to. the most important thing to me is my relationships. in the end i don't think it's going to be so much about the things you did, but how much you loved. and lately i've felt neither loving nor loved.