drawing ever closer to the big day...  oh, the anticipation!  i'm not sure why i'm so excited.  i guess i've been pretty bored.  my father bought the entire james bond collection so i've been watching those and am starting to get sick of 007.  my creativity is at a lull, therefore finding other things to occupy my time is proving a challenge.  i thought about getting cable at school, but decided that i don't really like tv (with the exception of a select few shows) and would only rot in front of it and waste my money.  those few shows are csi and joan of arcadia.  ok...only a couple.  if you've never seen the second, you should.  it is acted well, written well, and has some really good plot lines.  wow...i'm so bored that i'm talking about television shows!  i need to get to the gym.  i've been doing well and am quite proud of myself except yesterday my grandmother bought peppermint stick ice-cream.  i love ice-cream.  and peppermint stick is my absolute favorite.  yeah...didn't do too well yesterday.  in fact, i think i will go out right now and take a nice long walk on that trail that i love.  later!

     last night i talked with an old friend from st. louis for about three hours.  i shouldn't say "old friend," but it seems like such a long time ago from another chapter of my life.  it's nice to visit those chapters every once in a while -- to talk to friends you haven't seen in a long time or to look through old photo albums and old journals.  i am a firm believer in taking lots of pictures, though half of the ones i've taken i can't even remember what they're about.  but this is a new year, a new semester, and a new chapter.  isn't it exciting to turn a new page?!  through this last storm i feel like i've gained a new sense of direction, or was at least reminded of the sense i once lost.  for a while i turned my eyes away from God and allowed my faith to waiver, but no longer.  He leads me once again.  i wish that i could tell everyone who is lost how to accomplish this.  maybe, someday, the words will come to express this.  for now just remember that the shadow is a small and passing thing.  God is there.  and i will do my best to be there, too.  sleep well, my dear xangans.

     hi all!  it's about time i updated, i think.  hmmm...it's been a bit heavy around here, but i wanted to thank everyone for their encouragement.  so...only a few days left of the break then it's back to good ol' columbia, mo.  honestly, i can't wait.  i've hardly accomplished a thing over the past few weeks as far as actually doing something goes, though a lot of decisions have been made that i think will push me in the right direction.  i'm excited to see where this road will lead.  and i kinda miss the small-town life.  well...certainly smaller than what i'm used to.  and i thought moving from detroit to kansas city was a change!  but between kc and st. louis i'll get my city air. 

     nothing really exciting to post. :(  this place is too stuffy, i think...  needs a little light.  i'll look around and see if i can come up with anything for you.

     ahem...so how did everyone like the party?  i am sorry, something came up that required my attention.  matters too heavy to post.  i frequently like to take a step back and evaluate what's going on, and events of this magnitude often spur the most inward and honest reflections.  i thrive on organization and planning, and when i lose these i feel lost myself.  something has happened recently (unrelated to previous) that has sparked a change.  or rather it is forcing one.  i want to tell you, but i can't yet.  i feel that the time i have now will be what i look back on and see as a preparation.  but that time is also slipping fast.  here the foundation is being built, but if i build on the sand i will be washed away.  i feel like i am being pressed forward in the dark.  this next step could very easily decide my fate and i must take the step soon, but i see none ahead.  "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."  i feel like that's all the hope i have right now.  honestly, i don't think i've ever been more unsure.  that scares me to death.  i hide it.  i hide everything, really, and i don't like that i do that.  i don't know why i do it...it's just who i am, i guess.  i've been slowly realizing that it can be hard for me at times to trust in God.  this isn't really one of those times because i find myself with no other choice.  but i fear those times.  i fear that this could become one of those times.  right now i have to trust Him.  the waves have been crashing for quite some time and i feel my hope fade. 

     i want to quote something here.  now before you roll your eyes, hear me out.  i love the lord of the rings.  not for the hype or the fantasy or the movies (though they were quite good).  i love it for the hope.  i love it because it makes my cry when i recognize it, and it makes me want to find my own again.  there are two parts to this quote.  the first is a passage from return of the king when frodo and sam are in mordor, and the second is a song from the fellowship of the ring (this was altered for the movie version of return of the king--what i have here is the version in the book, minus a couple unrelated lines).  please read them.

     "Sam struggled with his own weariness, and he took Frodo's hand; and there he sat silent till deep night fell.  Then at last, to keep himself awake, he crawled from the hiding-place and looked out.  The land seemed full of creaking and cracking and sly noises, but there was no sound of voice or of foot.  Far above the (mountains) in the West the night-sky was still dim and pale.  There, peeping among the (clouds of destruction) above a dark (craggy hill) high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while.  The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him.  For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach."

"Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread,
Through shadows, to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
Away shall fade!  Away shall fade!"

i love those passages.  they remind me that through those crashing waves i can see that star high above.  the storm is just a passing thing.  i can honestly say that i can look up and say that i believe that God will take care of me.  He knows every detail of our dreams and our silly little projects.  He wants us to be happy.  i know that he won't fail me.  and i pray that i will not fail Him.

     you know, the heart is a funny thing...capable of feeling so much yet sometimes numb to feeling.  i hope that i give as much as i would like to be giving.  i don't think that i even come close.  sometimes all i want is to hear someone say they love me.  not necessarily a romantic love.  just God's love.  no, it's not sometimes.  it's all the time.  my heart yearns for it.  and it is paralyzed without it.  i'm not sure where that came from or why i want to type it here, but it's what i feel all the time.

     i went outside tonight, under the moon and stars and little patches of cloud, and ice skated in my shoes on the driveway.    i could have stayed out there forever. 

     i love the way God sends us little messages.  little tokens to strengthen our faith or make us smile.  i would certainly be lost without Him.  never close your eyes or ears to those messages.  look for them everywhere.  even if everyone else around you dosn't want to see them.  even if you don't want to see them and you forget about them.  know in your heart He is there. 

     i'm not depressed.  i know it sounds like i'm a little depressed.  i just want to be honest with you and with myself.  and most importantly with God.  there's a lot that scares me.  i hate spiders, snakes, and i don't like the empty darkness.  i'm terrified of public speaking (yet somehow acting or singing in front of thousands has never bothered me).  i don't like not knowing where i'm going, let alone not knowing how to get there.  but all of these fears only pale and fade.  "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."  and if that's what His word does...i can only imagine...

good morning xangans!

     today is my official one-month xanga anniversary!  yay!  and to celebrate...i think that i will...sleep.  oh, i'm just plain exhausted, worn out, spent, and otherwise...tired.  i suppose that for me yesterday isn't quite over as i'm still awake, but all in all it was a good day.  and all good comes from God, does it not?  (okay...that question really isn't open to discussion. )  well, it's about 4am, so the real party will get started after i've had some sleep.  and if the party sucks...don't tell me, just smile and nod, okay? ;)

     oh, and i nearly forgot.  the weather is still pretty stormy, but there's a light ahead.  more later.

     well, my dear xangans...it's official.  i am hopelessly addicted to xanga.  i got on around 9pm to do a little snooping around and the next thing i now it's 2am!  is there a cure or 12-step treatment program for such a condition?!?  and i'm starting to hear odd little voices in my head...they won't stop!  oh, wait...that's my cat wanting food!  okay, i really did know that it was my cat -- don't get worried or anything -- i'm just trying to illustrate a point.  but ya know what?  i am proud to be among company such as the likes of you, dear xangans. 

---

random useless fact about me (okay, so i'm tired -- side effect of my new-found addiction, no doubt):  i have attended three, count them (1, 2, 3), three institutions of higher learning.  that's right...three colleges and this is my third year in college.  go figure.  (note: i am currently accepting suggestions for a fourth).

happy new year!

     sure, i'm a day late, but hey...do i ever bother you about being late? okay nevermind...  i am currently doing a million things all at once, but i thought i would stop by and say hello to everyone.  aren't i considerate???   i got about two hours of sleep last night.  i'm one of those people who take forever to fall asleep and of course i had to wake up before 5am.  i'm usually a morning person, but not that early!  reason for getting up early?  i had a job!  but...i didn't go.  yeah.  my brother had an accident and hurt his neck pretty bad, so i brought him back home.  he's doing just fine now, but it was a little nerve-wracking. 

     i'm working on a few things for the site...aren't you excited?!  well...don't get carried away...they're not all that great.  i'm just hoping that once it's all up it will work!  so check back soon...or later...and maybe there will be something different.  if not, well, then...thanks for stopping by anyway!  later.

hello everyone,

     i just finished watching "contact."  excellent movie.  wonderful to watch when you could use a little boost to your faith, which i suppose everyone always does.  i have a more scientific mind, i suppose, and i am always going through the method...checking for proofs and testing everything.  this testing, when i go about it in all the wrong ways, often gets me in trouble and can deflate my faith, but this movie reminds me that some things just can't be proven by our own methods.  some things you just have to believe in. (a side note, though, is that God also challenges us to test His Word and work our faith -- to flex our spiritual muscles -- so they can grow).  i told you earlier that i wanted to write...this movie, in part, inspired that.  it came out in '97 (i was around fourteen -- wow, that makes me feel young and old all at the same time) and i remember trying to write my own sequel for it.  i've wanted to write movies ever since.

     well, it's officially tomorrow, so happy new year's eve to everyone.  be safe tonight and have fun and take it easy.

to the wonderful world of xanga,

     just an update -- christmas day was saved at the last minute.  we were able to fix what was wrong with the water (technical stuff that i know nothing about) and we were able to stay put and have a very nice evening.  before our regular gift-giving, we have a tradition of a white-elephant gift and i received a 24-pack of...charmin!  it was quite an amusing night.  and, thankfully, there were no fights or tensions of any kind.

     as for other "projects" and endeavors, it's been a slow re-start, but a start nonetheless.  there's not much to tell right now, but things are starting to move along.  i've been practicing with several songs and have even been given a key to our church so that i can practice with the sound equipment and instruments there.  i love going there in the dark when there is no one else there.  just me and God.  it is nestled in a low valley, so the noise of the city can't reach it and i just pour my heart out through song.  it's an incredible feeling -- everyone should have such a place where they can retreat from the day-to-day and fall into loving arms.  there is a freedom there that can only be celebrated.  as for the writing, i've decided to do things one at a time, for now, in order to be able to focus entirely on what is right in front of me. 

     oh, what an interesting christmas this has been!  i woke up early this morning so that i could shower (in order to look somewhat decent in the inevitable rolls of christmas pictures that my shutter-happy family loves to take), and there was no water!  no, not only did we not have hot water, but no water period!  i guess our pipes froze or something.  we live in the country just a few miles outside of kansas city (well, i live there when i'm home from school in columbia, at least) we get our water from a well (which is much better, if you ask me...well, better when we have water!)  but, no, we didn't let it get the best of our christmas.  the family dinner will just have to be moved and a bit of reshuffling will happen, but it's all good.  the gifts were lovely, but the giving was better.  i hope all of you are having a wonderful time.  merry christmas!

happy christmas eve!

     in honor of white christmases past (and unfortunately not present) i have added these little snowflakes to grace your screens.  now for those unfortunate souls who despise winter and will probably find these annoying, i apologize, but, dang it, i like 'em!  i grew up in detroit, michigan where i remember snow even in june! 

     i've made a few minor tweaks to the site...i hope they work better for everyone.  as i said...a work in progress.  this html thing is proving to be a little difficult to learn (for me, anyway).  maybe someday i'll get a kickin site going.

     so what are everyone's plans for today?  my family is having our traditional christmas eve get-together.  somehow i like it better than on christmas day...it gives me a chance to play with all of my new toys!  all of the cousins and aunts and uncles come over and we sit around the fire eating, opening gifts (don't worry, we save some for christmas day!), singing (corny, isn't it?  but i love it ), and telling stories of the ghosts of christmases past.  and right when you think that we couldn't get any more hopelessly annoying, a small fight breaks out and someone ends up going to the hospital.  well...maybe not every year.  anyway, i hope that your holidays, no matter which ones you celebrate, are filled with joy. 

with love from your xanga buddy,

chris

hello xanga world,

     it is the night before christmas eve.  i've just spent half the day fighting crowds, pushing and shoving my way through the packed malls of kansas city, only to come back home with little but a headache.  i'm horrible at buying gifts for other people...and i'm sure my procrastination is probably one reason for that.  or maybe i intentionally procrastinate so that i can excuse the lacklustre nature of the gifts due to limited availability of the better ones.  who knows?  i'm a horrible procrastinator.  or rather i'm a good procrastinator...i'm just horrible at getting things done on time. 

     i think i'm going to start a new project.  you probably wouldn't guess it by my posts...but i'm an english major aspiring to be a writer.  i don't like the froth and bubble of most works and when i try it i fail miserably...just look at some of my previous posts.  so i like to write things as i know them.  keep it real, as it were.  i'm also a musician...i sing, play the violin, piano, and guitar.  and with all of these God-given talents, guess what i'm doing?  sitting flat on my bum.  i've started many stories...some are even quite good, if i say so myself...and i've even tried to tinker with song-writing.  i think it's time that i pick that up again.  as i am, i feel like i'm not doing anything or going anywhere.  i have (hopefully) three semesters left of college, but what then?  there's no time like the present, and procrastination certainly isn't going to do me any good here.  so i think i'm going to start up my projects.  work fell through for the break, so i have a little time.  i'll keep you posted on what happens. we shall see.

Hello Xanga Universe,

     It has been a while since I have posted, but I am sure that the one person who reads these won't mind.    Return of the King was simply awesome, don't you think?  I loved it.

     Well, it's finally over.  The semester from hell is done.  The funny thing is that none of my classes were particularly difficult.  I like a challenge...I guess this semester was just too boring.  I had enough work to do that I didn't really have time for a lot of fun, but the work that I did have was just plain dull.  What's in store for Christmas break?  Who knows?!  I'm hoping to work at my Father's business answering phones...$8-$9 an hour to read books (which, of course, is one of my favorite things to do!), check my e-mail, chat on-line, watch movies, and answer the occasional phone call.  If that goes through, I would absolutely love it.  I'm trying to avoid the grocery store that I've been working at for the last 5 (gasp!) years.  Dealing with cranky customers?  Not fun. 

     I'm so excited about Christmas.  I love Christmas.  I'll admit...the gifts are nice, but that really isn't what I like.  I love the magic...the "Christmas Spirit," the snow, and the frosted trees glittering in a sunrise. Wonderful.  Sitting around the fire...singing Christmas carols...celebrating the greatest birthday ever...that's what it's all about.  Well, Merry Christmas everyone.  I hope you all have an incredibly happy holidays. 

     Just a quickee...  Going to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow night and am very excited.  It's going to be awesome.  Also, I'm getting closer and closer to break and I'm just relieved.  My body is just dragging itself to that mark when I can go home and rest for a while.  I've fallen so far out of shape...that's another thing I'm looking forward to doing over break.  I love to run and exercise.  There is this amazing trail near my home and even on my bad days I can easily go 10 miles just looking at the scenery.  The trail winds along a little river straight through a huge valley.  On one side are steep wooded slopes, and though they are certainly not mountains they still seem majestic.  On the other side of the trail stretches patches of farmland that seem to sing in the breeze of the summer.  I'm excited to see what they are like when glistening and snow covered; though I've seen them a million times before nothing beats the call of one's home. 

     Hope everything is going well for all of you! 

     Oh, life.  Today I woke up and there were nearly 7" of new snow on the ground...which was already covered by a thick blanket.  The fun part was getting to work in the slush and ice.  I ended up sliding all over the place in my car when I tried to get out, so finally decided to stay home and call in "snowbound."  It was the perfect day for hot chocolate and fire places, though I have a feeling that those will not be few in the coming months.  I went in to work later anyway and had a fairly good day, but before I left I was able to meet some very interesting people who came to our door.  It's kinda funny...I don't believe in coincidence of any sort.  I certainly don't think this meeting would be an exception.  Who knows?

     Happy Birthday, Cathy!  I hope you enjoyed your present...getting your car buried by 6 feet of snow by some of the more daring guys in the house!  I wish I had a digital camera. I love snow, though.  I even got to shovel the walks for $20, but I will be surprised if I actually get it.  Oh, well....it was a chance to play in the snow!  Hopefully now the weather will become more tame.  12 degrees is awfully chilly, even for this native Michigander. 

     Well, all, have a happy finals week...ha ha...and try to stay sane. 

     It's after 3 o'clock in the morning and yet there seems to be a magic lingering in the air that once felt could keep even the drowsiest eyes wide with wonder.  The moon has set but phantom beams of starlight still dance on the snows and illuminate the sleeping world.  The last day of classes is over and the semester winds down to the last dreaded week: finals.  But even the menace of those hours seems far away and even dwarfed by the excitement of the approaching holidays.  

     I am a man firmly grounded in reality, but I will admit that I love escaping to a good flick now and then.  And what a season for those as well!  The final chapter of The Lord of the Rings will make its way into theaters only a few days from now and I find myself giddy as a schoolboy. I have found that the hope in those stories, fabricated as it may be, is more real than any other I've felt in a long time.  It is almost sad that we should find such virtues in these places instead of our daily lives.   Perhaps we just aren't the adventure seekers that we hear about in such tales.  And why not, I wonder?  Why can we no longer see the extraordinary in the ordinary?  I say free up your weekend and go play in the snow!

Goodnight, Xanga Universe!  I leave you now to your own devices!

Dear Xanga Universe,

     Today was a rather odd experience, as many are, and I had to relearn a rather important concept that I often forget.  This simple idea is that each day is exactly what you make of it.  Regardless of what happens over the course of your waking hours, you have the power to decide whether your day will be of the good variety or the better variety.  I say only "good" and "better" because every day is good simply because it is an incredible gift.  It can be difficult to remember this, especially when you are stuck at work or you realize that you are heading toward the end of a long friendship or your car door just will not open because cars can be vindictive in that way, but I think that times like these can serve to remind us that we have a choice to despair or to pick up the fragments, smile, and continue to trudge on. 

     I know there is a lot in my life that could hold me in despair, as I am sure of the same for anyone else.  Sometimes even the smallest things can completely overwhelm.  The funny thing about despair, though, is that it is a simple mistake.  No one knows what a new dawn will hold in store.  No one can tell with a perfect certainty what tomorrow will bring, so, in the fact that you don't know, there is hope.  You don't know that there won't be some good in the coming day.  There is hope that always tomorrow will be better.  And you know what?  There is a good chance that it won't be.  But there is also a good chance that it will. 

     Yes, I've certainly had better days.  In all honesty today was not so horrible that I could not get through.  I have a lot on my mind and there are some pretty big decisions coming up.  Choosing what to do with the next phase of your life can be mind boggling.  I've been putting it off until the last possible moment and it has finally caught up with me.  I've realized that God doesn't always tell you what to do with your life.  A lot of things He lets you decide on your own, and it may be that any of the paths that you decide would be the right one.  Just remember that whatever you decide...make the most of it.  Carpe diem! 

Hello Xanga Universe,

     I am brand-spankin' new to the xanga world as of this lovely evening of Sunday, Dec. 7, 2003.  It's the kind of night that would be perfect to cozy up by the fire with your favorite book and just melt into the warm fuzzy darkness of dreams.  However, here I sit in front of my computer sending messages (that probably won't be read by anyone) into the deep void of cyberspace when I should be studying for finals or otherwise worrying about my intellectual development.  Maybe there is some solace in this odd little form of communication.  Afterall, it is a perfect chance to tell a captive world exactly what it is you want to say. 

     I wonder if anyone else out there has had that deep and unquenchable desire to tell the world something.  To let everyone in on your secrets of living a better life.  But what if you finally had such a golden opportunity and simply didn't know what to say?  Such is the pickle I find myself in.  I've always felt that something incredible and unique would happen to me, and then when it did happen I could shout it from the rooftops.  I would finally have something great to offer the world.  Through much trial I have realized that this incredible thing, this singular event that would revolutionize my very existence, was simply and unavoidably: life.  That's it.  I may never be the great musician that fills all my dreams or the poetic writer that could enchant the entire world or the handsome actor of stage and screen, but I can be myself.  I can be myself and no one else, as no one else could ever be me.  So with this charge I set out to share this strange and beautiful experience with you, dear void, in hopes that one day I could look back on my life and say that it was indeed mine.