ahem...so how did everyone like the party?  i am sorry, something came up that required my attention.  matters too heavy to post.  i frequently like to take a step back and evaluate what's going on, and events of this magnitude often spur the most inward and honest reflections.  i thrive on organization and planning, and when i lose these i feel lost myself.  something has happened recently (unrelated to previous) that has sparked a change.  or rather it is forcing one.  i want to tell you, but i can't yet.  i feel that the time i have now will be what i look back on and see as a preparation.  but that time is also slipping fast.  here the foundation is being built, but if i build on the sand i will be washed away.  i feel like i am being pressed forward in the dark.  this next step could very easily decide my fate and i must take the step soon, but i see none ahead.  "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."  i feel like that's all the hope i have right now.  honestly, i don't think i've ever been more unsure.  that scares me to death.  i hide it.  i hide everything, really, and i don't like that i do that.  i don't know why i do it...it's just who i am, i guess.  i've been slowly realizing that it can be hard for me at times to trust in God.  this isn't really one of those times because i find myself with no other choice.  but i fear those times.  i fear that this could become one of those times.  right now i have to trust Him.  the waves have been crashing for quite some time and i feel my hope fade. 

     i want to quote something here.  now before you roll your eyes, hear me out.  i love the lord of the rings.  not for the hype or the fantasy or the movies (though they were quite good).  i love it for the hope.  i love it because it makes my cry when i recognize it, and it makes me want to find my own again.  there are two parts to this quote.  the first is a passage from return of the king when frodo and sam are in mordor, and the second is a song from the fellowship of the ring (this was altered for the movie version of return of the king--what i have here is the version in the book, minus a couple unrelated lines).  please read them.

     "Sam struggled with his own weariness, and he took Frodo's hand; and there he sat silent till deep night fell.  Then at last, to keep himself awake, he crawled from the hiding-place and looked out.  The land seemed full of creaking and cracking and sly noises, but there was no sound of voice or of foot.  Far above the (mountains) in the West the night-sky was still dim and pale.  There, peeping among the (clouds of destruction) above a dark (craggy hill) high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while.  The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him.  For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach."

"Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread,
Through shadows, to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
Away shall fade!  Away shall fade!"

i love those passages.  they remind me that through those crashing waves i can see that star high above.  the storm is just a passing thing.  i can honestly say that i can look up and say that i believe that God will take care of me.  He knows every detail of our dreams and our silly little projects.  He wants us to be happy.  i know that he won't fail me.  and i pray that i will not fail Him.

     you know, the heart is a funny thing...capable of feeling so much yet sometimes numb to feeling.  i hope that i give as much as i would like to be giving.  i don't think that i even come close.  sometimes all i want is to hear someone say they love me.  not necessarily a romantic love.  just God's love.  no, it's not sometimes.  it's all the time.  my heart yearns for it.  and it is paralyzed without it.  i'm not sure where that came from or why i want to type it here, but it's what i feel all the time.

     i went outside tonight, under the moon and stars and little patches of cloud, and ice skated in my shoes on the driveway.    i could have stayed out there forever. 

     i love the way God sends us little messages.  little tokens to strengthen our faith or make us smile.  i would certainly be lost without Him.  never close your eyes or ears to those messages.  look for them everywhere.  even if everyone else around you dosn't want to see them.  even if you don't want to see them and you forget about them.  know in your heart He is there. 

     i'm not depressed.  i know it sounds like i'm a little depressed.  i just want to be honest with you and with myself.  and most importantly with God.  there's a lot that scares me.  i hate spiders, snakes, and i don't like the empty darkness.  i'm terrified of public speaking (yet somehow acting or singing in front of thousands has never bothered me).  i don't like not knowing where i'm going, let alone not knowing how to get there.  but all of these fears only pale and fade.  "thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."  and if that's what His word does...i can only imagine...