what that post actually said before i came to sense and edited it...

good night and good luck...

      it's nearly five in the morning and i really can't think of a better title than that. nor can i think at all, come to think of it. that doesn't count. i'm really tired, though. i've just freshly returned from a botched harry potter marathon. we only made it through two and a half of the four movies before we all were asleep. i did have a good time, though, and i was able to sample some of the best pancakes i've had in a long time. but i needed to get home and get some rest for a big day tomorrow. it's mostly going to be spent getting ready for camp and such, then i'm off for an entire week. i am excited about it, but it's not going to be easy. i kinda wish that the state of things here would have been better as i get ready to go on this week of service, but as it is i'm rather deflated and worn out. my heart really isn't in the right place, i guess. then again, he does specialize in broken hearts. i'm just really...spent...on being broken. and hoping for a mend is so far just a hope. it's not a bad thing, i don't think. i don't know if i'm meant to learn a lesson in this or if it will serve to bring things more closely together than before, but i'm really ready for things to start going somewhere, one way or another. this limbo kills. to be honest, i'm not even sure if i'm there anymore. the last month or so has just stung so many times over. every day, it seems. strangely, though, i'm fine. against my nature i'm still able to trust that it will all work out. funny how we can feel so many different things all at the same time.

      so i called my boss in columbia today to try to get on the schedule when i get down there. he said, "yeah, just stop by when you get here and we'll talk." kinda defeats the purpose of calling two weeks ahead of time, when he would be doing the schedule for the week i arrive. as it is i probably won't have work at least until the first week of school and maybe later. i need a job. i don't know if i should look for another, though, since hy-vee is so awesome about working around schedules. i really need to get some of these credit cards paid off before i'm on my own and trying to find a job on one of the most worthless degrees. had someone call me this evening from the cordon bleu institute in chicago. i've been looking online for a few schools, just dipping my toes in, i guess. i really want to write, but i need something to get me to a place where i can have freedom to do that. the parents said that this was the last year of their help, so things are going to get very interesting very fast come next summer. i don't know if more school would help me get there, though.

      for some reason i have a lot of hopes pinned on this next week. i'm kinda hoping that i'll be able to just sweat all this stuff out while i'm in that hot kitchen and come out the other side feeling a bit less pent up. a sort of  sabbatical, if you will. some of my problems are coming with me, though, so i suppose that could come out better or worse. we'll find out. i'm still looking forward to it, though. it's going to be good. i need to get some sleep, though. i've been typing for about forty minutes. have a good week, everyone. stay safe and stay sane. later.