so. i'm entirely aware of how silly it is to be giving you an update on the last ~month and how i was affected by a vacation. perhaps it's also silly that i was so deeply affected by it at all. but i was. it's been a weird six weeks. very moody. the first day back to work was probably the worst. i had a quiet anxiety attack on the bus on the way there, almost quit while i was there, then came home and drank wine until i fell asleep. that kinda set the tone for the following month, which was most of the reason why it took me so long to get those travelogues out. i was swinging in a way that would make carrie fisher proud. fortunately i'm evening out now, getting (slowly) back into an exercise routine, even writing a bit. instead of having to bite my tongue every day to keep from telling my boss that i want to leave, now i only have to do it about every other day or two (which is closer to normal). it was definitely the implosion that i feared.
but what i didn't expect was that i'd still feel it this far out. that choice, i mean. the one about either imploding or exploding. and i'm starting to think that i might be able to do both, go backwards from black hole to supernova. ha. maybe not quite that. but i feel like i'm finding a little hope again, fleeting though it might be, and i'm trying to take advantage of it. for starters, i've created another blog, and i even use capital letters: digitalglair.blogspot.com. no, it's not misspelled. the first few results on google combined with the homophone (and the simple fact that it's a homophone) should convince you of how perfect the choice is. there's only one post so far, written today, but combined with my mad marketing skills (i.e. shameless self-promotion) it already has over 180 page views. i don't really expect it to go anywhere, but perhaps the simple act of writing somewhat outside of myself (i.e. not these rambling, emotional posts) will get me back into the writing groove. and i'm sure the ad revenue i expect to receive will at least let me buy that pack of gum i've had my eye on at the food lion down the road.
so we'll see where this goes. no, i still don't have a plan. kind of have a vague goal of completing my second year at the clinic (may 2013) then moving on. i told myself when i moved here that i don't want to turn 30 in north carolina and i'm still holding tightly to that. i have to do the two year thing, though, because at that point i'm reimbursed for 75% of my accrued paid time off (i still had over 100 hours after taking my vacation) as opposed to only 50% anytime before that. it doesn't go up to 100% until the five year mark and --- fuck that shit. at that point i'll also have a little less than $4,000 from the required state retirement contributions that will help get me settled elsewhere. and at this point there's only one major thing (apart from myself) that could throw a wrench in the works, but i won't get into that here just yet, if at all. it's one of those potentially major life choices that i might regret later, but by may of next year it could be moot. anyway.
i'm going to try to update more. i promise i'll try. at the very least i'll be updating the new blog more often. i really want to take another stab at this writer thing. i'd all but given up on that, if you couldn't tell. i hope it lasts. k. bed time. later taters.