settling down...

       kind of a melancholy morning. i awoke with a two and a half year itch on the brain and i've been obsessing over it all morning, dragging myself across the coals that should have gone out a long time ago, but they're still hot as ever, if not more so. i don't have many regrets -- just a couple that i can think of. i regret not visiting my grandmother more during her brief stint in the nursing home (meant only to be a post-surgery rehab) before she died. and then this, which is probably the more painful and all the more maddening because of its vagueness even to me. and no, i'm not going to talk about it any more than that. it's just where i am right now. it hurts. well, it always does, but some times more than others.

       fortunately, though, most of the other physical hurts from the accident are fading. there's still some stiffness in my neck and some pain in my left shoulder if i sleep on it wrong. i'm going to try to run a little today and see how that goes. i haven't been able to do that for two weeks and i'm starting to feel fat. i've calmed down considerably since my last post, thanks to some sense-talking friends and a lot of really deep breaths. a lot of those. but i wouldn't say that i'm calm yet, either. i haven't made any progress on getting a replacement vehicle, but i did test drive one this week. i was really excited for it until i took it to a mechanic who told me that i definitely should not buy it. too many things about to go very wrong. so trevor and i have worked out a way to carpool to work, which we probably should have been doing all along, and we've made a trip to the grocery store, but other than that i have to rely on the lackluster public transit in raleigh. still freaking out a little that i recently had to start repaying student loans and now i'm going to have a car payment too. i've put my gym membership on hold and was able to work something out with the student loans so i'm not paying so much, so it shouldn't be too bad. but i'm very ready for the whole thing to be settled so my stomach won't be in so many knots.

       on the plus side, i haven't been eating as much, so maybe that will help to balance the lack of gym attendance. my breakfast has been sitting in front of me for about an hour and i can't work out a way to eat it yet.

       i'm a little relieved that 2011 is about done. it was kind of a crazy year. more tomorrow, i'm sure. i hope you're all well.